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Chapter 42
“…If there’s nothing you can do for them, does it make you sad?”
“…Yes, it does.”
“Then does it make you tired too, Sister?”
“…Yes.”
Back then, Schwen knew the Empress, but she didn’t know who she really was. From their very first meeting, the Empress never introduced herself.
They ran into each other often in the palace, and she always treated Schwen kindly, so Schwen simply thought of her as a gentle woman who worked in the imperial palace.
“Then if I don’t say things like this, will my mom and you not feel tired?”
“…Did your mother seem sad?”
“Yes… Whenever I say I don’t want to be a maid anymore, or that I wish I had friends, she makes a strange face. And then she cries secretly.”
“…”
“Then if I don’t say things like that, neither you nor my mom will be sad?”
The Empress stayed silent for a long time. Then she nodded.
“Sometimes, silence is better. Even with family, you don’t have to say everything.”
After saying that, the Empress abruptly stood up, as if she couldn’t bear her own words.
Just as she was about to leave, she suddenly said:
“…From now on, won’t you tell me instead? Not your mother, the Countess of Berg—tell me.”
“But you’re sad too, Sister.”
“It’s all right. I’m someone who can bear it. If it weighs on your heart, I won’t be sad.”
It was a strange thing to say, but Schwen nodded.
Sometimes, silence is better.
Schwen murmured those words to herself. Only then did she realize that her childish behavior was a burden to others.
After that, she didn’t share her feelings with the Empress either. No one exists who doesn’t feel sadness, after all. Schwen didn’t want to burden anyone. More than anything, she didn’t want to see the faces of people who were hurting because of her.
From then on, Schwen swallowed every hardship by herself.
“Weren’t we practically one and the same? So you understand me, right?”
Even when she was betrayed by a friend she trusted.
“…That’s not it, my dear. You didn’t do anything wrong. There are just adult circumstances you can’t understand.”
Even when her parents used her as collateral in a deal with the Emperor.
“They say every business the Count of Berg started failed, leaving him unable to avoid losses. He’s so desperate for money that he may soon have to sell his territory.”
Even when she was forced into marriage.
“Do you swear to honor and respect one another for life, and to face any trial together?”
And so, even then—
“Still, I think it’s okay for spouses to burden each other. Carrying everything alone is exhausting, so you share the weight together. What do you think?”
The relationship between parent and child was inevitably vertical. Parents were always the weaker ones. Even when they tried to be strong, they always gave in to Schwen in the end.
She didn’t want to burden them alone.
“I don’t really have many friends… I mean, I do have friends, but not the kind I could say those things to.”
Even if she acted casually, Titiana was a princess. Whenever Schwen forgot that fact, her parents reminded her.
“Once I got married, I just wanted to be like that.”
Of course, Esellian was only a temporary husband. She didn’t know how to comfort him. She just said whatever came to mind, and it ended up sounding like something a real married couple would say.
“If anything’s weighing on you, you can tell me. I’m… prepared for that.”
Schwen felt awkward for no reason.
“Madam.”
Esellian, who had been staring at her, suddenly spoke.
“What is the hardship you haven’t been able to talk about?”
“Me? I…”
What came to mind first was the betrayal of the friend she trusted. Then Bedin’s actions, which had hurt her so deeply.
She hesitated to speak.
Maybe she’d grown used to enduring everything alone.
It wasn’t a marriage born of love, nor a political marriage made as Schwen Berg. If anything, it was a fraudulent marriage.
She had promised to be on Esellian’s side, yet there was a deadline she hadn’t told him about.
She felt guilty toward him in many ways.
In the end, they would probably turn their backs on each other and become worse than strangers.
But for now, Schwen thought only of the present. She wanted to lighten Esellian’s burden, even just a little.
To do that, she had to put down her own burden first.
“I had a friend. A friend I spent almost half my life with. But she abandoned me in an instant. I really loved her, and I trusted her…”
That was why, when her memories returned, she’d risked everything to try to get Titiana out of the palace. It was reckless, but—
“She had her own reasons, too. She was just scared. I can understand that. I know how frightening and overwhelming it must have been.”
“…”
“Still, she could have said at least one word…”
What she felt when she heard Titiana’s words was shock. Then came betrayal—how could she say nothing at all? And after that, the heavy realization of her own emotions.
Maybe Schwen had been mistaken.
Maybe she’d vaguely expected that Titiana would be just as reckless for her, the way Schwen had been for Titiana.
When she realized that wasn’t the case, she felt resentment, sadness, and emptiness.
“Still… I like her. She’s my closest friend…”
That was why she couldn’t even get properly angry. She still liked Titiana. Even knowing how foolish it was, she couldn’t cut ties cleanly.
“She doesn’t deserve to be called a friend.”
“…In the end, even friends are still others. She pushed you away to protect herself, so I can understand her to some extent.”
“The friend you cherish made you sad, Madam.”
“…”
“You don’t need to force yourself to understand.”
Her gaze, which had been fixed on empty space, dropped. Schwen bit the inside of her cheek. She felt strange.
“You should learn how to abandon others first, Madam.”
“Why would you say that? You don’t know anything.”
Sharp words slipped out of her mouth before she could stop them.
“She must have been scared. She was scared, so…”
“And you don’t look fine either.”
“…I’m fine.”
She was fine. She’d only been angry and hurt at first.
Schwen had desperately tried to see things from Titiana’s perspective—and eventually, she had understood.
“I was just a little upset.”
She didn’t like the way Esellian spoke as if Titiana were entirely in the wrong.
It felt like confirmation that she alone had valued their friendship.
“I don’t really like the type who requires a lot of care, but…”
“…”
“Before you tell me to lean on you, you should lean on me first. I know you’re pretending you’re fine, so it’d be better if you just cried.”
“…I know.”
In truth, Schwen had known all along.
That unlike herself, who always put them first, she wasn’t all that important to Titiana or Bedin.
A maid who served as a conversational companion was always replaceable. As if to prove it, when Schwen held her wedding, another maid was already seated by Titiana’s side.
That realization brought a sense of loss.
Saying she understood Titiana, that she was fine—it had all been a lie to comfort herself.
“I know I’m treated like someone who can be handled carelessly.”
She wasn’t fine at all.
“Even if you don’t say it… I—I know… hic…”
Her parents, who spoke of “adult circumstances.”
Titiana, who pushed her away out of fear.
The coercive Emperor.
She hated all of them.
At last, the tears burst forth.
Large drops forced their way out of her eyes and fell heavily. Embarrassed, Schwen rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand.
Esellian silently pulled her in. Schwen soon yielded and burrowed into his arms.
“That was bad of me.”
“…Hngh… sob…”
“Your friend was worse.”
Emotions she had buried were dragged out by another person. The sorrow she’d held down exploded from her throat. Schwen cried out loud, like a child.
“For some reason, it feels like I’m the only one who got comforted…”
Her original goal had been to make Esellian cry, but she ended up crying herself. As she walked back down the path they’d come, Schwen muttered regretfully.
“I was actually planning to make you cry today, Your Highness.”
“Me?”
“Yes… You looked like you were in a bad mood, and I didn’t feel like I was much help.”
“I see.”
“So I thought I’d show you a nice view and then make you cry your heart out. I even prepared cookies.”
“Ah. That explains it.”
“But I’m embarrassed that I’m the only one who cried…”
Schwen wiped under her eyes with her sleeve and looked at him. She blamed herself—why could she never do anything properly?
She was probably the only one who’d been comforted.
“Then should I cry too?”
“…It’s too late now. And I didn’t really want you to cry. I just wanted you to feel a little better.”
Esellian gently tugged on the hand he was holding, stopping Schwen as she walked ahead.
So that was why she’d been so desperate to see the aurora.
Worrying for someone like that wasn’t ridiculous. Concern she’d never received before felt sweet—so much so that she found her lovely.
“You’re always by my side when I’m struggling. Back then… and now as well.”
“…”
“Thanks to you, I feel better.”
Half of it was true, and half was a lie.
His bouts of madness were sometimes overwhelming—like now. But his mood wasn’t bad. In fact, something warm he’d never felt before seemed to spread through his chest.
So much so that he wanted to keep her by his side and watch over her, he found the Grand Duchess pleasing.
“If you’re feeling better, then I’ve succeeded halfway.”
“Please continue to care about me, Madam.”
He’d always found the fact that he was alive repulsive. But not now. He didn’t want to let go of this feeling.
He hoped this life would continue on like this.
Esellian smiled warmly at Schwen.
“Just trust me!”
Schwen smiled back at him, letting out a small laugh.
She’d thought she’d failed so badly she wanted to crawl into a hole, but in an instant her mood improved.
It didn’t feel like Esellian was just saying empty words for her sake.
He wasn’t a delicate man. If anything, he’d be more likely to say, “What a bother—why are we even doing this?”
“You’re the only person I trust, Madam.”
“…”
“So please continue to believe in me. Keep thinking of me.”
Schwen’s smile stiffened slightly. Guilt over deceiving him, relief that things were going according to plan, and an inexplicable sadness crossed her mind.
Unable to answer, she turned her head forward.
This feels strange.
What’s wrong with me, really…
Schwen didn’t forget her original goal of taming Esellian. Just as she planned, Esellian was gradually opening his heart to her.
She should have been happy—but she wasn’t.
It’s for survival. If I want to live, I have to do this.
She swallowed those feelings and steeled herself again.
If Esellian became fully attached to her, that would be fortunate for Schwen.
After that, once the Emperor removed her and cleaned everything up, they could go on living separate lives.
Until then, let’s just be friends.
Don’t give him your heart. Just think of him as a roommate you live with.
That’s what Schwen kept telling herself.
