TSBSFVW 86

Chapter 86

Bread Thirteen: The Tower Built on a Swamp (8)

Ellie, lying in bed, rummaged through her pocket and took out Ireine’s letters.

There were two letters.

The first one contained brazen words of farewell.
The second one said everything in the first letter was a lie.

“I can’t communicate with Father anymore. It’s like he can’t even hear me now.
Ellie, help me.”

After reading the first letter, Ellie suspected that this girl still had nothing but flowers blooming inside her head.
But when she read the second, she was sure it wasn’t flowers blooming in Ireine’s head but mold.

Otherwise, how could she be so shameless?

Saving her should’ve been enough.
Wasn’t this like dragging her out of the water only for her to demand the bundle you’re carrying as well?

Asking for more help—there had to be a limit to shamelessness.

“If I disappear, Father will definitely start tormenting you.
He won’t leave any evidence.
Just like when he killed Franz.
Father still won’t admit he personally killed Franz.
He only ever says everything was necessary for my sake, whether I wanted it or not.
I absolutely want to be acknowledged by Father. If this is buried, the same thing will repeat.
Ellie, if something happens, even without evidence, go to Father. In front of you, he’ll admit what he’s done.
If you help me just this once, I’ll never involve you in ‘us’ again.
Please. I’m sorry.”

She’s acting like this knowing full well she’ll torment me? What is this, a test?

As Ellie read that line, she briefly regretted not pretending she hadn’t seen Ireine at all.

Living while keeping one’s humanity intact was such hard work.
If only she knew how to close her eyes for a moment—how much easier life would have been.

If Ireine had been in front of her, she would’ve politely asked, “Excuse me, but is your head filled with dung by any chance?”
But unfortunately, what Ellie had were just two pieces of paper she couldn’t reply to.

Two letters full of lines that made the urge to leave a scathing comment swell inside her.

If she could’ve left comments, she would’ve poured out her most venomous reply even at the risk of being sued.

How did I escape that place—why would I walk back in on my own?

The McClure estate itself was a place of Ellie’s horrific years.

In some ways, it was worse than the Duke of McClure himself.
Because the time she’d endured there could never be ignored.
You could ignore people, but not memories.

Within the single sentence “I spent such a horrific time there” were layers of inescapable loneliness, desolation, and misery.

Over ten years is a long time.

Digging through the memories of her previous life to recall recipes had been a way to avoid facing reality.

Even when she kept failing, the only reason she could focus solely on “bread” without giving up was because those times—when she had to chew hard bread alone while the servants gathered to eat together—had been undeniably miserable.

Sometimes she’d rub the bridge of her nose, stung by the heat of the oven, to hide her tears.

Each time, she told herself she was an adult.

What’s so wrong with eating alone? It’s easier, actually.

If she tied her misery to something external, she would truly start to feel pitiful.

Only by existing as a whole adult could she endure those childhood days that were nothing but abuse and neglect.

Ellie didn’t want to step foot into the McClure estate any more than she wanted to face the Duke himself.

Because of Damian, the Duke couldn’t touch her directly. That was enough. He couldn’t drag her wherever he pleased or attack without justification.

Thanks to Damian, that man could no longer treat Ellie like a child bound to him, and she had vowed to overcome it with dignity.

But that was only true when she herself was the only one being targeted.

I knew this would happen. Once I got attached, I wouldn’t be able to just stand by.

That was why she wanted to be alone.

If her long-lonely heart came spilling out all at once, she wouldn’t be able to make a rational choice.

She had to live alone. She had vowed to live happily, stubbornly, smiling all the way to her dying day, because no one would save her. She had decided to seek her own safety, to live selfishly.

She was afraid of people who approached her.

As time together built up and she learned how warm another person’s body heat was, her own safety in solitude would begin to feel trivial.

Good job, Ellie. I’m proud of you. You’re admirable.

It has to be me, Ellie. The one closest to you, the one helping you—it has to be me.

Arms that held her tightly, a faintly warm body, a smiling face close enough for her to see the color of the irises.

A smile that praised Ellie and rejoiced in her accomplishments as if they were his own.

Once she realized how lovable that was—

Morris, who had suddenly crossed the line she’d drawn and pushed his smiling face in;
Van, who hadn’t retreated even when she pushed him away;
Edmund, who had shown his vulnerable insides and leaned on her.

They had persistently approached her, for whatever reason, and stayed by her side.

They had held her hand and helped her when she was lonely.

“Ellie, don’t overdo it.”

“I’m really not overdoing it. Compared to working alone.”

“Back then it was unbearable to watch. I was happy to eat baguette but I kept thinking if I could somehow boost sales maybe Ellie could rest a little, that’s why I thought of it.”

“That was that sucker part-time job?”

“I thought it was a good idea in my own way.”

“…Van, no matter how much money you have you shouldn’t just spend it on others…”

“What a hurtful thing to say. We’re not ‘others.’ We’re friends.”

“Well, that’s true…”

“It’s okay, Ellie. I’m doing it because I want to.”

“Even so…”

“This is the only thing I can do for you.”

“Is money the only thing you can do? Is this what wealth is?”

“Is that how it works?”

“That’s how it works.”

“If even this helps you I’m glad. Maybe I should check if any relatives can leave you more inheritance.”

“Take it easy…”

She had repaid kindness with betrayal.

Just the thought of burdening others was terrible, but worse yet—it was her precious people.

Ellie bit her lip.

When she closed her eyes, Van’s face came to mind. Those cold green eyes were like blades.

Edmund’s voice carved her insides like swallowing shards of glass.

Even while thinking it wasn’t serious, she was deeply hurt.
Because the tone and the eyes themselves were painful.

If things were this bad already, could she have endured if they really hated and condemned her?

She had thought she was prepared, but she wasn’t at all.

Prepared, my foot.

She didn’t even want to imagine them falling for Ireine and pointing fingers, condemning her, trying to kill her.

She had to save them somehow. Somehow.

“Ellie, aren’t you scared sleeping alone? It’s so dark.”

“Eddie…”

“Why are you stopping mid-sentence? Finish it.”

“No, it’s just… you’re like a kid. Picky eater, afraid to sleep alone…”

“And you’re not scared, huh?”

“I’ve actually never slept next to anyone else.”

“Aha.”

“…What’s with that look? You don’t like touching people either, so you’ve never slept next to anyone either.”

“What are you thinking? What’s touching got to do with sleeping?”

“…”

“Okay, I won’t tease you. Come back here. I’m not going anywhere and you can’t kick me out anyway so give up.”

“I gave up long ago… I’m just surprised I don’t even feel a sense of crisis anymore…”

“Why would you feel a sense of crisis?”

“…”

“You smell comfortable.”

“You know it’s super rude to tell someone they smell.”

“I know. It was a compliment.”

“Yeah, I figured it was a compliment…”

Actually, Edmund.
I was scared alone, too.
Admitting it was scary, and lonely besides, so I acted tough.

Ellie sighed.

“Even so, I really hate this…”

Standing at the back door of the estate, Ellie let out a long sigh.

The night she had faced her father.

She’d thought she’d poured out all the words she’d stored up.

That had taken an enormous amount of courage.

Ellie was timid and easily frightened. She put on a desperate bluff, but the truth was she was terrified of being alone in an unknowable world.

So very terrified.

So terrified she couldn’t endure it without ignoring her own bloodline and birth.

But looking back, from the start she’d never have been able to move forward without tying off this knot properly.

“Damn life… like a reef in my life…”

About a year ago, Ellie had stepped out into the world through this door.

Now it was time to go back.