TNLA 45

Chapter 45

Azen stepped into the pitch-dark room and lit a small flame in the lamp. The room, where nothing had been visible before, grew faintly bright—just enough to make out shapes.

He pulled down his hood and carefully washed his hands. Then, he applied eyedrops and blinked several times. His eyes, which had felt as if filled with burning, scorching grains of sand, began to calm.

Suddenly, he glanced into a mirror.

Staring back at him was a stranger: short black hair, bloodshot black eyes.

…A stranger, yet not entirely unfamiliar.

The face was different, but the short black hair and black eyes resembled that hated duke.

He reached out a hand toward his reflection.

The face might be different, but wasn’t the person inside still the same?

Crash—!

With a fierce punch, the mirror shattered to pieces.

I want to kill him. I want to kill him. I want to kill him.

But what good were words? He didn’t have the strength to kill him. He hadn’t even been able to protect her. Useless, pathetic bastard. What was the point of reincarnating, of going back to the past, if nothing changed?

There had been a time he’d mistaken it for a miracle, for a blessing. A time he believed he could change things.

A miracle? What worthless miracle? How laughable to think something like that could be expected. It had all been a delusion.

All he had really wanted—was to see her.

So badly. So desperately.

He hadn’t expected her to be living well, but at the very least, he wanted to see her alive somehow, looking… somewhat okay.

And if she was like that, even if she wasn’t happy, maybe leaving her in Shuel Castle and walking away would have been the right choice.

Perhaps, in his past life, the reason she had died was because she had managed to escape Shuel.

Maybe, if she had remained in Kashien’s hands, she might have recovered in time. But by fleeing with that knight, she ended up hunted down until her death.

So if she was surviving—even if unhappily—wasn’t that still better than death? …He only meant to see her one last time, and then leave.

But—

What in the world had he, the past Kashien, done to her?

At some point his body collapsed onto the floor. Sitting there, he clawed at his hair and began to weep.

Had I, with my own hands, broken her that much? And never even realized?

Those once-bright eyes had dulled and gone lifeless.

That radiant, vivid face had turned pale as a ghost.

Even when she had been frail, bedridden with fever, close to death, she had never wasted away like this.

How could anyone shatter the feet of someone who once ran so lightly, like a butterfly?

“Hhhhk… hhhuuk…”

Breathing grew so difficult he began to scratch at his own throat. Blood welled up from the raw skin, but he didn’t care.

Had I truly never seen her? Not once?

Had he only been chasing the shine of her light? Coveting her radiance? Yet after snuffing it out and grinding it into dust, what delusion had he been clinging to?

Even then, when she stiffened as if to hide her ruined state from him, all he had wanted was to throw everything away and hold her.

Right then and there, without plan, without thought, just hold her and run.

But he hadn’t. He had restrained himself, again and again—because he knew better than anyone what would happen if he did not.

All of it was his fault.

All of it was because of that insane bastard.

Why should she be the one to suffer like this?

At some point, his sobs turned ragged, broken gasps.

The pain crushed his chest so hard he couldn’t breathe. But even that felt like a luxury—compared to the thought of her, still alive but dying at his hands.

He wanted to die. He wanted to kill.

But he couldn’t die yet. He couldn’t kill yet.

For now, he had only one thing he could do, one thing he must do:

Take her out of that hell.

Save her.

9. A Place to Return To

After the jeweler left, Arlen returned to her room and stared into the mirror for a long time.

Anna, watching her young lady, was overjoyed. Seeing dresses and jewels must have sparked some interest in appearance. To care about grooming oneself was a very good sign.

Even more so when she noticed Arlen practicing—lifting the corners of her lips as though she were relearning how to smile, or checking if her forced smiles looked natural. She sat quietly before the mirror, smiling, over and over.

That entire day, the young lady remained lost in thought, but the next day, she began to eat. And move.

“Finally, my lady has decided to turn her heart!”

Relieved, Anna watched with joy.

When Kashien returned from the capital after twenty days, he was very satisfied by the progress reports.

Arlen’s meals had increased; she was now eating not only soups but also soft foods. She stayed awake longer, showed interest in small things, and spoke more often.

Most of all, she sometimes smiled.

Even if the smiles were only practiced alone in the mirror, compared to before, it was a tremendous change.

So when Kashien finally saw her again, he was deeply moved by how much more alive she seemed.

He approached the sofa where she sat. She glanced at him briefly, then looked away. Smiling with satisfaction, he sat right beside her. The sofa dipped, tipping her slightly toward him.

When she tried to pull back, Kashien caught her chin, halting her. Turning her face this way and that, he studied her, pleased by how much healthier she looked.

Though still thin, her sunken cheeks had filled out somewhat, her skin showed a bit more luster, and even her lowered eyes seemed to have more focus.

Had he known that merely calling in a few merchants could bring such improvement, he would have done it sooner. What a waste of months.

With a pleased grin, he stroked her cheek, then slid his hand into her hair, savoring its silky strands as he pulled her toward him.

She resisted, weakly, but he subdued her easily, wrapping an arm around her waist and drawing her in. He leisurely devoured her lips.

She was still sweet, still intoxicating. He had missed this so badly, hungered for it. His schedule in the capital had kept him away far too long. How long had it been?

As he tasted her lips, his mouth trailed lower, down to her pale neck—

And suddenly she shoved him away with all her might.

Her strength was nothing more than a butterfly’s flutter, but it startled him. It had been so long since she’d resisted with any real will. Amused, he let himself be pushed back, playing along.

“The first thing you do with your regained strength is use it to push me away?” he teased, smiling as his hands still gripped her hair and waist.

“Please…”

Her voice slipped from her lips, soft but pleading. Hearing it, Kashien was struck again by how effective the merchants had been.

“Please, don’t…”

Yes, the reports had said she spoke more often these days. But hearing it himself—what sweetness, regardless of the content.

“At least… not where people can see…”

…So it did matter what she said, after all.

Did she mean she didn’t want others—the merchants, the visitors—to see traces of him on her?

She finished her halting words, biting her lower lip as her body trembled. She must be nervous. Of course.

Considering she had rarely resisted at all before, this was great courage. Did it mean she was regaining strength? Or perhaps she feared him a little less now? Though she was still trembling…

Kashien rubbed his lips with one finger, watching her quietly.

“…The doctors did say peace of mind was important for recovery…”

When he gave no reaction, Arlen added it hastily, as if making excuses.

Of course, she needed to recover. One day she would smile at him—truly smile. She would meet his gaze with those clear eyes, as she once had smiled at that knight in the greenhouse.

Until then, he would make her cage comfortable, to her taste. What was so hard about granting a few desires?

Calling in a few merchants was easy. He might even do more. Her changes had given him both confidence and generosity.

But only as long as she stayed obediently in his arms. He had no intention of ever letting her out.

Did she think he allowed those merchants for their sake, not his? To make them more important than him? Never.

“I’m helping you recover because you’re mine,” Kashien said with a crooked smile. “Not so you can push me away.”

She flinched at his words, watching him warily.