TMLOP 39

Chapter 39 

 The Abyss Where We Both Live

Benerucia was truly a greedy person.

To think he’d ask something like that in this situation.

Senelia let out a bitter laugh inwardly.

If she were to say she loved him now, then everything she had said before would become meaningless.

Perhaps this was a good opportunity to undo her reckless gamble.

But she hated that.

She hated it so much.

If he truly knew how much thought, how much time she spent contemplating every word she said… he wouldn’t dare.

Still, strangely, she wasn’t angry.

After all, wasn’t this just like Benerucia? Hadn’t she seen him like this for the past eight years?

Without realizing it, Senelia had forgotten how to stay angry—how to properly be angry.

Eight years.

Years spent beside Benerucia and dragged along by Clifford. Years that had changed her completely.

“You never once told me you loved me… not even up until the moment you said you’d marry me.”

Benerucia knew it too.

He knew now wasn’t the time to ask such things.

But he had to ask.

Because this was all he had left to hold onto.

“…Your Highness is always the same,” Senelia muttered.

Benerucia was once again speaking of love.

Love.

Was that really so important?

Senelia no longer understood.

No—perhaps she had never understood it in the first place. She wasn’t the protagonist, after all. Maybe she’d never truly known what love meant.

She felt… a little jealous.

To be able to speak so easily of love.

To live surrounded by it—he always had that luxury.

Shamefully, she was envious.

“…What do you mean?” he asked softly.

It was a small voice, but to a swordmaster like Benerucia, it was easily heard.

However, the moment she heard his voice, Senelia’s emotions cooled rapidly.

Right now, what she felt held no value.

At some point, even her emotions had become something to categorize—what was useful and what was not.

“Otherwise, how could Your Highness speak to me of love?”

Still, there was a simple reason she said such a thing now.

This was the most efficient way to avoid answering Benerucia’s question about love.

Even if the whole world asked her about love—he, of all people, had no right to.

Because he was the one who buried her ability to love.

Senelia’s unwavering gaze silently conveyed all of that to him.

Yet in her eyes, there was no resentment or anger.

She was simply questioning the justification of it all.

And just as she expected, he could ask no more.

But there was something unexpected.

What Benerucia couldn’t bear wasn’t her reproachful words—but her overly calm eyes.

And the moment he realized that, fear rushed in.

“…Is this really the end?”

His voice trembled as though he were being chased by something.

It wasn’t a response to her question.

He didn’t even have the presence of mind to apologize or say anything else.

The fact that he meant nothing to her…

It felt like he had just seen a glimpse of that truth.

If he obediently left her side now… would he ever mean anything to her?

No.

He could deny that with certainty.

Because there was no one who understood better than him the eyes of people who could never forget him.

He clenched his teeth.

Benerucia had never once imagined he’d become someone meaningless to Senelia.

“What if… I refuse to accept it?”

That was why he couldn’t calm down.

Even the first time she tried to break things off, all he had worried about was whether to hold onto her or not—he had always assumed he could bring her back.

But this time, he couldn’t see that path.

So he couldn’t let her go.

And ironically, that made Senelia feel relieved.

Just as I can’t let go of you, you can’t let go of me.

That fact brought a sense of comfort… and a bitter taste to her mouth.

Because the only way they could confirm their bond was through pain.

“Will you force me?”

Senelia asked with poised composure.

Maybe… deep down, this was what she hoped for.

She wanted Benerucia to be the weaker party in this marriage.

Forcing a rejected marriage proposal went against his principles.

If he went against those principles and kept her by his side, he’d be plagued by guilt.

And that guilt would be the chain that kept him from leaving her.

There would be no happiness in such a marriage.

Still, Senelia had no choice.

Even if it meant they’d both live in the abyss.

“…I’m your man. Everyone knows it.”

His lips were tightly drawn.

Just saying those words was a blow to his towering pride.

The old Benerucia would have never dared to block the path of someone who had left him.

But he had never been in such a situation before.

He was cornered for the first time in his life—and he ended up saying something he never would have under normal circumstances.

“That’s… inevitable, I suppose.”

Senelia lowered her eyes, as though simply accepting it.

Benerucia had already gone as far as to attend Viscount Daphnen’s funeral personally—with the Emperor present, no less.

Now, every noble would consider Senelia his intended bride.

The situation was worse than when she’d merely stayed by his side for eight years.

Now, Senelia’s circumstances were tied not just to Benerucia, but to the imperial family.

Before, she could’ve just walked away—but now, rejecting the proposal would be an insult to the imperial family.

Even if the Daphnen family’s immunity protected her from punishment, no noble would dare propose to someone who had clashed with the imperial family.

In short, rejecting Benerucia meant choosing to live alone for the rest of her life.

“…Let’s talk again later. You’re too worked up right now.”

Eventually, Benerucia stood up.

No one knew better than he did that Senelia was not one to say things lightly.

That’s why he couldn’t bear how completely she was cutting him off.

“My feelings won’t change tomorrow,” Senelia responded mechanically.

She couldn’t help but laugh bitterly at herself, trapped in this ridiculous farce.

In the end, how was she any different from the women who once broke up with him just to get his attention?

She hated herself.

But then again, hadn’t she hated herself for a long time already?

She couldn’t let herself be consumed by familiarity.

She had too much to do.

“Your Grace, I…”

“Selie.”

But perhaps fortunately—before she could grow to hate herself even more, Benerucia cut her off.

“If you truly don’t want me to force anything… then stop for today.”

Please.

He didn’t say the word, but that silence was Benerucia’s final pride.

Even if Senelia rejected him, even if the Daphnens used their immunity, if he forced the marriage through to the end—her refusal would be meaningless.

But he didn’t want to do that.

Please.

Though unspoken, he was pleading with her not to push him further.

And just as Senelia fell silent for a brief moment—Benerucia quickly left the drawing room.

It was the first retreat of his life.

After Benerucia left, Senelia remained seated for a long time.

She was utterly exhausted.

* * *

The capital was abuzz with news of Rukalina’s return and the grand welcoming ball being held in her honor.

And then, Senelia received an invitation from the Marquisate of Elian.

But it wasn’t from the marquis himself—it came directly from Rukalina.

“Why would Rukalina send me an invitation…?”

Senelia was understandably confused.

She and Rukalina had never met.

By the time Senelia had come to the capital, Rukalina had already left for the battlefield.

Moreover, the invitation offered no explanation—just the standard formalities.

“Did Rukalina hold a ball when she returned in the original story…?”

Senelia dug through her memory.

It had already been eight years since she realized she was the “Thorn of Cloracan.”

Eight long years.

As time passed, her memories of the original novel faded more and more.

The Thorn of Cloracan.

That one fact had turned her life completely upside down.

And yet, the story that had done so barely came to mind anymore unless she consciously tried to remember it—how unfair.

Not that it mattered anymore.

“Yes, there was a ball. And…”

Senelia kept digging through her memory.

If only she could’ve written it all down.

But if Clifford had discovered it, things would’ve been worse than they already were.

Clifford’s eyes were always somewhere, watching her.

The only time he wasn’t was when she was with Benerucia, whose swordmaster aura couldn’t be hidden.

She could’ve written it in Korean so Clifford wouldn’t understand… but then she’d lose her final safeguard.

So in the end, Senelia had no choice but to rely on her memory.

“…The confession!”

Suddenly, one detail from the original story surfaced in her mind—and Senelia shot up from her seat.

The welcoming ball for Rukalina’s return.

That was where… she confessed to Benerucia.