TACSS 50

CHAPTER 50 . Present, Jo who has returned What should she say when they meet? Would he try to kill her? Then perhaps she should just quietly let herself die. Su could not dare to oppose Jo. What had she taken from him? And yet, the desire not to die still lingered, tormenting her. Even after witnessing a surviving family member, she was still this selfish. She was frightened, terrified—and yet endlessly relieved. He’s alive. He was alive. If the Duke had not entered the tent, Su would have clapped her hands and danced at the joy of Jo’s survival. “Do you know this person?” “No.” “Do not forget you promised me honesty.” The Duke pressed her, bringing up even their wager. Su simply shook her head without concern. “I really don’t know him.” She truly did not know that boy. She only knew that he was someone who knew a man she knew. That wasn’t a lie, was it? Su turned away sulkily and climbed onto the bed. The Duke let out a small sigh at her behavior and left the tent. She closed her eyes, pretending to sleep, waiting for dawn. There was no way sleep would come when her breath was already unsteady with excitement. The Duke did not return to the tent that night, likely spending it at headquarters. When would dawn even come? Su blamed the ambiguous passage of time and covered her face with her hands. The waiting felt eternal. She passed the time choosing what she would say to Jo. Should she tell him Mel existed? About where she had scattered Lea… could she say it? Just imagining it made her body go numb. Could she really say those words? She lost confidence and pressed her fingers against her eyes repeatedly. As she did this again and again, the temperature gradually dropped, and a chilly autumn wind—almost winter-like—filled the tent. Through the trembling fabric, Su glanced at the dim sky and suddenly stood up. She carefully left the tent. Even though she was skilled at hiding her presence, her body barely moved due to tension. As she left the military camp, she glanced back toward the headquarters where the Duke would likely be staying up all night. He might realize she was gone and become angry. Her feet hesitated for a moment—but she quickly moved on. She could not give up on meeting Jo. The Mwilbire River was a long river encircling the plains where the Willethan army had set camp. The river. Both Lea and Yuta had been sent to the river. Su held her breath and climbed the hill where the river should be visible. It was so dark she could barely make out the bluish night sky. Yet the river reflected light, making the area somewhat visible. Su covered her mouth with her hand at the shadow by the riverbank. A man with familiar golden hair—so familiar it made her want to cry—sat looking at the river. She could not take another step. It felt as if her feet were rooted to the ground. She was afraid. She was afraid of being hated by Jo. She had expected it, but could she endure his hatred? Thinking that seeing him alive should be enough, she took a step back. Clink. A pebble struck by her foot rolled noisily toward the man. The man, who had been sitting with his back to her, quickly turned his head. Dark golden hair like a lion’s mane. Deep black eyes that glimmered. It was a roughened man’s face, different from the boy she remembered, and Su finally managed to speak. “…Jo.” At her call, the man walked briskly toward her. A mischievous smile curved under his sharp nose. Even under the dim moonlight, his smile was so familiar that Su could not tell whether this was the Mwilbire River or Stehmas of Ardel. “Su.” He called her name aloud with a smile. From the now closer distance, Su saw his eyes clearly—and was startled. It wasn’t just the fact that only one eye remained. That hurt, yes, but it wasn’t what shocked her. There was no hatred in Jo’s gaze. Why…? That made no sense. You… you— She could not speak further and staggered back like a blind person without a cane. Jo followed her steps forward and gently patted her head. “You brat, you’ve grown so much! You’re practically a young lady now!” “…Why.” Su steadied her collapsing expression and forced out her voice. “Why don’t you hate me?” At her question, Jo only smiled. As if he could never hate her. I survived by killing someone. Su wanted to scream. This felt like a nightmare. A dream of Titi dying again would hurt less than this. When she woke up, she felt like she would lose her mind. She must have been so selfish—so afraid of being hated—that she fainted while standing. In the dreamlike reality, Jo smiled awkwardly. The mature smile she had never seen before spoke of the years he had endured. “How could I hate you?” He answered her question with another question. No. How could you not hate me? Su felt like she couldn’t breathe and grabbed his sleeve. It felt as if all sound had been erased. As she collapsed from weakness, Jo caught her in surprise. “You… do you know why Lea—” Do you know why she died? How much she resented me? She couldn’t even close her eyes in peace. We didn’t even have money to bury her. Lea couldn’t even swim, and Yuta and I… to survive, we threw her into the river… into the river. “Ah.” Jo answered slowly. Did I just make a sound? Did I speak? Was this a dream where he could hear my thoughts? Su blinked slowly, unable to understand. “If you lived, then Lea must have died. I know. It’s okay.” Jo hugged her with a face that looked like he might cry. The warmth felt too real. Su bit her lip, overwhelmed by this dream-like reality. She hated herself for feeling relief at his kindness. It felt disgusting. Like she was the most vile, filthy insect in the world. Had she not come here knowing this child could not hate her? Wasn’t she shamelessly seeking forgiveness after killing his sister? Her fear from the night felt like a lie. Su opened her mouth to tell Jo to hate her—but suddenly, like a dam breaking, she burst into tears. In an instant, she became twelve years old again. Jo calmly rubbed her back, as if expecting this. “Ugh… sob… Lea… Jo, Lea… I… wanted to live… she said…” “Yes.” “I… to survive… Yuta… holy water… you… I knew… I was relieved!” She tried desperately to say the last words properly. “I was relieved. Even though Lea died… I thought it was a relief… because I lived! I was happy to survive!” She had never been able to say it aloud out of fear. Jo gently patted her back, his face obscured in shadow. “It wasn’t your mother who sold me.” He wiped her tears with a hand as large as her face. “I went on my own. And I…” He clenched his teeth, unable to continue. Su swallowed her sobs as she saw the same guilt in his eyes. “Because I knew one of you would die.” “….” “I knew your mother favored you more. I anticipated everything, Su. I knew when I went. Even so, rather than both of us dying…” He swallowed the rest of the words. Su covered her face. Tears poured out like grief itself. Then you lived like this too? Like me? This is unbearable. You shouldn’t have lived hating me. “I knew you would think this way. I’m sorry I couldn’t find you sooner. None of this is your fault, okay? So don’t be sorry to me.” “No… no…” “Don’t apologize. Then what was the point of me saving you? Huh? Are you trying to make me regret it?” Jo spoke gently, trying to soothe her. It’s a lie. Su denied it. Don’t take my guilt away. Let me carry it. But her voice could not be heard over her uncontrollable crying. She clung to Jo and sobbed. The resolve she had prepared for was hatred—not this mercy. She felt pathetic. She could not lift her head in shame. After a long while, her vision blurred. A familiar figure appeared, but she could not tell clearly. She didn’t care. She just cried as if the world were ending. Then a large hand covered her face. “You again?” The Duke sighed. Su shook her head, trying to stop crying. “Don’t cry.” “No—I… I’ll cry! I will!” She couldn’t stop anymore. She let it all out. Her tears kept falling, soaking the ground. “Please…” faint words seemed to echo in her ears. Then, like a curtain falling, everything went dark.