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Chapte : 27
Self-Loathing
“I knew Sharloff would be leaving our side, but seeing it with my own eyes feels strange.”
Aster murmured quietly, glancing beyond the imperial palace.
“Didn’t we come intending to go back together at first?”
“Did we…?”
“Wasn’t Father the one who worried about Sharloff the most?”
Leandro, lost in thought, stared out the carriage window for a long while. Rows of trees rushed past, and the imperial palace grew more distant.
“Keeping that child by our side might have been nothing more than our own selfish desire.”
“How could that be selfish?”
“She was a child who tossed and turned every night. By morning she always looked exhausted. And when day broke, she hid her expression as if nothing had happened.”
Whenever Sharloff slept alone, she often suffered as though plagued by nightmares—though she herself didn’t seem to remember them.
“At least by His Majesty’s side, she didn’t hide herself.”
Leandro closed his eyes. A silence both refreshing and heavy settled in. Outside, rain tapped softly against the carriage.
“Only now have I found a few words I’d want to say to Cosette, when I die.”
The head maid returned.
“What about her family?”
“They’ve all departed.”
Sharloff smiled faintly. After her family left, she remained in the imperial palace.
“They must have just passed through the city gates.”
Rain was falling steadily outside.
“It’s raining. Shall we move inside?”
“It’s fine. I’ll stay like this for now.”
The sound of rain was pleasant. Tap, tap. Water dripped from under the eaves.
The imperial palace was divided into the eastern and western palaces, with a garden laid out along the passage connecting them.
Sharloff took shelter beneath it.
As raindrops fell into the flowerbed, petals quivered, as if shivering from the cold.
Sharloff gazed outside, waiting for the rain to stop.
Rainwater pooled in the gutters and flowed along the corridor.
When Sharloff stretched her arm beyond the awning, rain collected in her palm.
Tap, tap, tap.
The once-steady rain soon turned fierce.
Dry leaves fell beneath the domed ceiling—leaves that had dropped from the trees planted beyond the passage.
“It’s cold today.”
The head maid called out to Sharloff again.
“Wouldn’t it be better to put on another layer?”
“I’ll stay like this just a little longer. Just a moment.”
The head maid shifted uneasily. His Majesty had told her to keep a close eye on the young lady…
“Do you like the rain?”
“Maybe. I think I used to.”
“Then shall I bring an umbrella? We also have coats that won’t get wet. How about taking a warm walk?”
Sharloff slowly brushed her hair back.
“I said it’s fine…”
“I’ll go get them.”
The head maid had already been told by His Majesty: when she said she was fine, she usually wasn’t.
She hurried off to fetch a coat and umbrella. Watching her go, Sharloff shook her head.
“Did His Majesty give any special orders?”
“N-no… we were just told to take good care of you.”
The maids fidgeted nervously.
“Today, walking a bit with an umbrella sounds nice.”
That was all Sharloff said, gazing down at the flowerbed.
Delicate petals trembled beneath the rain.
Water soaked into the soil, turning it muddy.
After some time—
Raindrops splashed into the corridor and slowly seeped into her dress.
“Seeing you like this, I can’t take my eyes off you for even a moment.”
Drawn by the familiar voice, Sharloff looked up. Benjamin was walking toward her from the far end of the corridor, frowning.
“Trying to catch a cold standing here like this? Planning to fall ill on your wedding day, hm?”
“Please stop being so overprotective. When Your Majesty does that, even the servants panic.”
Benjamin’s gaze flicked toward the maids.
“S-sorry, Your Majesty!”
“That’s enough. It’s obvious she was being stubborn.”
Soon the head maid returned, carrying a coat and umbrella.
“Y-Your Majesty!”
“Give me the coat first.”
“Here it is.”
Benjamin took the coat and draped it over Sharloff, guiding her arms through the sleeves, then took the umbrella.
“Don’t follow.”
He gave the order and stepped outside. Sharloff followed at his side.
The umbrella was fine for one person, but a bit small for two.
“Were you standing alone in the rain that day too?”
“Was I?”
“The day a mad black bear turned the hunting grounds into chaos—you were standing alone in the rain and nearly became its prey. The day I almost saw you eaten and digested by it.”
“That was because Your Majesty personally—”
“If you’d missed your chance to flee after firing the crossbow, or if I’d arrived any later, the bear might really have devoured you.”
Sharloff swallowed.
“Don’t do that again.”
She shook her head.
“I’ll be careful.”
“You’re careless.”
“That’s why I was always within Your Majesty’s sight.”
Their steps naturally came to a halt. The rain grew heavier.
“The rain’s getting stronger.”
Tap, tap, tap. The sound thickened, and some servants hurried indoors to escape it. Believing the rain would drown her voice, she whispered.
“My existence felt like a sin. Everything about me felt disgusting. I thought the fact that I was born became a shackle to someone, that I ruined their life.”
Back then, the one Sharloff hated most wasn’t her father, his mistress, or the illegitimate child—it was herself.
“It was like self-loathing. Not carelessness, but because I hated myself so much… I had no room to look after myself.”
In her previous life it had been worse. Each dying day was made of self-hatred, and the death she was finally granted felt like rest.
“Who told you being born was a sin? Was it that damn tutor again…? Did those bastards poison your mind with their nonsense?”
When Sharloff lifted her head, Benjamin was staring down at her.
“Did they make you look like that again?”
“It’s all in the past now. I want to bury it beyond old memories.”
The time that had been like self-loathing had passed.
“There was never a moment when your existence was a sin. Don’t push yourself to the edge of a cliff, Sharloff.”
Perhaps because the rain kept intensifying, the coat was soaked with moisture.
“You’re twisted somewhere, Sharloff.”
Only then did she look closely at Benjamin.
“I don’t know why you’re like this.”
His shoulders were already drenched. He tilted the umbrella toward her.
“If the one holding a blade loses direction, the blade does too.”
“Your Majesty, are you listening?”
Rosquela cleared her throat.
“The state wedding has been set for the end of this month. Since its symbolic value to the public is important, all procedures will be carried out without omission.”
Unlike the engagement, where many steps were skipped, this wedding would be different.
Their positions had changed, and handling the wedding carelessly now would invite gossip from elders and ministers alike. That was why every protocol would be followed thoroughly.
“If Your Majesty’s mind is troubled, I can return later.”
“No. It’s fine.”
“I’ll have warm tea brought. I worry you might catch a cold before the wedding.”
When the two had returned soaked through, the head maid and chief attendant had nearly fainted in shock.
“Are you sincerely worried?”
“We can’t afford any disruption to the schedule.”
“There won’t be any. Proceed as planned.”
Rosquela nodded. If her lord said so, then so it would be.
“The empress’s palace will begin construction once the weather warms. Until then, since it’s growing quite cold, we plan to use Ampalao Palace, once occupied by the former empress dowager—”
“Keep her by my side.”
Rosquela paused.
“By your side, meaning…?”
“She can’t be left alone.”
“Even after the marriage…?”
“Is that a problem?”
“According to palace etiquette, it is.”
“Don’t shove rules older than a hundred years in my face.”
By palace law, couples were forbidden to share a bed before marriage, and even after, they were to sleep separated by a curtain except on consummation nights.
If I push this rule, I might lose my head.
He shut his mouth quickly.
“Make everything perfect.”
Benjamin recalled Sharloff standing in the rain. The emptiness in her eyes seized all his senses.
Emptiness forged from guilt and self-loathing.
The depression dwelling within it.
Even the reason she cried in her sleep must be tied to that self-hatred.
“What are you so sorry for…?”
‘Mom, it would’ve been fine if you threw someone like me away.’
Are those the words you use to cut yourself down?
“Now is the time to watch over her.”
The office fell quiet again.
Time passed, little by little. The days grew colder.
“Your hands are trembling. Are you nervous?”
Sharloff looked down at her gloved hands in white lace as the head maid fixed the wedding veil to her hair.
“Your Majesty, I’ll lower the veil now.”
The maids gathered to help. The bride’s veil flowed down like petals, hiding Sharloff’s expression beneath it.
The wedding date set for the end of the month had arrived swiftly. The imperial family advanced the date, considering matters inside and outside the empire, and dawn broke on the day itself.
The atmosphere in the hall was solemn. White petals were scattered one by one along the aisle.
“The veil may feel a bit heavy.”
Sharloff stood at the start of the aisle. Benjamin extended his hand beside her.
“Are you scared?”
“Huh?”
“Your neck’s stiff.”
A prayer from the choir echoed through the hall—soft like a song, yet also like a whisper in one’s ear.
The ceiling bore carvings of the healing god symbolizing embrace, supported by marble pillars.
The singing resonated like an echo. Her long dress trailed across the floor, rustling softly with each small step.
The white veil draped gently like petals. The pope carefully poured holy water and recited the vows.
“May peace rest upon your future. May divine providence be with you…”
Benjamin lifted the veil.
“How about relaxing your expression a bit?”
He cupped Sharloff’s cheek, his hand tilting her chin gently.
She placed her hand against his chest.
The imperial crest stood clear against his jet-black formal wear, a vivid red seal marking his authority.
Soft.
Their lips met. As he breathed into her, it felt as though her breath returned.
Her hands clutched his clothes.
Her breath trembled. Heat rose to her cheeks, her throat burning.
A soft yet sticky sensation.
It surged like waves, rough enough to sweep away her fragile body.
“Ah…”
Benjamin was looking down at her.
