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Chapter 39
It was the first time Calix had ever brought up that day. Until now, it had been an unspoken rule between us—never to mention it. My eyes widened in surprise.
“…You jumped without hesitation, even while I was begging you to stop. Don’t tell me you didn’t know what that would do to me.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. His jaw clenched so tightly, the muscles stood out angrily.
“Then when we met again, you pretended not to know me.”
My whole body tensed. Calix had never shown me his raw emotions like this before—especially not ones like these.
“You’re selfish. We both know that.”
“…”
“And now you’re asking me to tell you how worried I was?”
He gave a bitter laugh and shook his head.
“And if I do, will you even care?”
His eyes were red.
‘No, it wasn’t like that…’
I wanted to explain. But the words wouldn’t come. And if I didn’t mean to hurt him, what did I mean to do?
After all, it’s true—I jumped off that cliff on purpose, right in front of Calix, just like in the original story. I wanted him to see me die, to leave him with that trauma.
Everything he was saying… he wasn’t wrong. I had no defense.
Seeing me speechless, Calix gave a mocking smile. Like he’d proven his point. But it wasn’t a happy smile.
“See? You still don’t have anything to say.”
“…”
I bit my lip hard. He was right. But it still hurt, so badly my chest ached.
“So just go ahead and be selfish. Don’t care about how much I worried. Just yell at me for not protecting you. Hit me. That way, at least someone gets relief.”
‘No…’
That’s not it. I did worry about you.
‘I really did…’
“I…”
The words came out before I thought—but I couldn’t finish. My lips moved, then closed again.
“I’m sorry.”
It was all I could manage, after hesitating so long.
But even that—Calix rejected.
“Hearing you say sorry just makes me feel pathetic.”
He laughed like he’d heard some cruel joke, then clenched his fists so hard his knuckles went white.
“Don’t say that. I didn’t say all this to hear an apology.”
“…”
Silence filled the room for a long time.
‘This isn’t how I wanted things to go…’
It was all so frustrating.
This wasn’t the reunion I had hoped for.
When I thought I was going to die, the only thing I regretted was Calix.
If that really had been the end, I should’ve done more. Met his eyes one more time. Said his name softly. Not left him with stupid last words like “don’t panic.”
There were so many things I wanted to say—but I never got the chance.
And when I woke up…
I thought Calix would run to me, hug me tightly, smile and say how happy he was that I woke up. I thought he’d gently hold me, like touching a wildflower or a feather.
‘But this… this is what we get?’
Why did we end up fighting?
My lips pouted slightly. But I couldn’t let him walk away like this.
Calix was right—I am selfish. Even now, seeing him spill his pain, I still wanted to hold on to his love.
“Is that really all you have to say to me…?”
“…”
I swallowed back the tears, but I couldn’t stop my voice from trembling.
Calix didn’t reply. He ran a hand over his face, then looked away.
“Let’s talk later.”
Panic shot through me.
“No! When is later? I want to talk now.”
My voice came out sharp. I stubbornly called his name.
“Come here.”
Calix turned toward me. His eyes looked exhausted, but he didn’t look away. That alone made me feel like crying with relief.
“Closer.”
When I asked again, he finally came closer—still keeping his eyes on me.
As soon as he got close enough, I grabbed his collar and pulled him in. It was a weak pull, but he didn’t resist.
And then, without warning, I kissed him. Not gently. Just desperate.
He didn’t push me away. But he didn’t respond either.
Neither of us closed our eyes. Calix raised one eyebrow slightly.
“If you don’t like it, push me away.”
I pulled back and muttered. He didn’t answer.
Instead, after a long pause, he whispered:
“…How could I ever push you away?”
Of course he couldn’t. I knew that. But somehow, hearing him say it hurt even more.
I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed him in—his scent, faint cologne, and something that was just him. My heart, which had been in chaos, slowly began to calm.
Where do I start?
I decided to be honest.
To tell him what went through my mind when I thought I might die.
“You were right. I’m selfish.”
“…”
His body tensed.
I paused, unsure how to go on. But I had to say it.
“When I thought I was going to die, I wasn’t scared for myself.”
I spoke slowly, calmly.
“I was just really worried… about you.”
“…”
Once I started, the rest came easier. I stared at the edge of the bed and kept talking.
“I was afraid you’d cry when I was gone. That you’d find someone else to fill the emptiness. That you’d go after the Emperor to get revenge and end up dead.”
Calix stayed quiet, listening.
“I worried you wouldn’t sleep. That you wouldn’t eat. I was so scared for you. But when I opened my eyes and realized I was alive—that I could see you again—I was so relieved.”
“…”
Still no answer.
What he said earlier—about me being selfish—was true.
But that didn’t mean…
“It’s not that I don’t care about you.”
“…”
“When I thought I was dying, the only person I thought of… was you. Maybe that is selfish…”
“…”
“But you’re my one and only regret.”
Maybe someone else would find that overwhelming—but not Calix. If anything, he was the type to want to monopolize even my death.
“I might not love you the same way you love me, but I love you as much as I possibly can.”
He gasped softly.
“You said you only had me, right? Well, it’s the same for me. I only have you.”
Maybe the size of our feelings was different—but even so…
“I love you.”
That was the best I could say. My truest answer.
After that, we sat in silence for a long time. I gripped his shirt tightly, took a deep breath, and looked up at him.
We met eyes. His blue eyes looked at me with an unreadable expression.
“Okay, now say something that isn’t complete nonsense.”
Say something… real.
He stayed quiet. It felt like we were in a silent tug-of-war.
‘I don’t like this. I want to fix things now.’
Just as I was promising myself I’d toss him out the window if he said another word of nonsense—
He reached out and cupped my cheek. His hand was warm.
He hesitated. Then his voice trembled as he finally spoke:
“I was scared, too. Really scared… that you wouldn’t wake up.”
At last—his truth.
He gently kissed me. It was dry. No emotion exchanged.
But then he kissed me again. And again. As if it were the only thing keeping him alive.
His lips were rough—probably like mine, after everything.
“If you really had died, and if you’d done it in front of me again… this time, I wouldn’t have let you go alone.”
My throat tightened. My chest ached.
Trying to hide it, I joked weakly:
“…What about the dragon?”
“I would’ve beat the crap out of it, woke it up, and told it to deal with things on its own.”
So I saved the poor thing by waking up. For a second, I actually felt sorry for the dragon who nearly got smacked for no reason.
A memory from a dream tried to surface—but it faded before I could catch it.
I leaned my face against Calix’s, rubbing our cheeks together like a child with their mother.
For that week I was unconscious, he must’ve lived through hell.
So I gave him what comfort I could, offering my warmth.
He hugged me tightly.
“Sorry for saying all that nonsense.”
“Yeah. Good thing you apologized fast.”
I replied while resting against his shoulder.
Then, like he’d been waiting to pour everything out, Calix began to speak again.
“I was so scared when you wouldn’t wake up. The doctor said you’d be okay, but you still didn’t open your eyes. Not after one day… or two… no matter how long I waited.”
“…”
“I had ten dresses made for you. I didn’t even get to tell you how pretty you looked. I didn’t get to say I love you enough. There’s so much I didn’t do.”
His breath hitched like he was holding back tears. His eyes turned red.
He might’ve said he’d done enough—but he hadn’t. And just like he said…
I couldn’t bear the thought of dying and leaving him behind.
