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Chapter 48
Jiwoo was sitting at the back of the classroom.
Noeul walked over to him.
Just like usual, casually, like nothing was wrong, like he was someone who didn’t feel anything….
She repeated that to herself, but each step felt strange.
Noeul placed her bag next to Jiwoo.
“…….”
“…….”
Words like Hi, you came early, Did you get home okay yesterday?, Oh, you’re not crying today, floated through her mind. But for so many reasons—what if it seems like she’s acting like nothing happened, what if it reminds him of yesterday unnecessarily, what if she seems like a smugly “too cool” jerk—she couldn’t bring herself to say anything.
In the end, Noeul sat next to Jiwoo without a word.
“…….”
“…Was there homework today?”
“No… there wasn’t.”
“Mm….”
Ah… this is so awkward….
Noeul felt so awkward that it was painful.
Jiwoo seemed just as awkward as she was.
If only she were the only one feeling awkward, she could pretend to be calm. But since both of them were awkward, she couldn’t even do that. She knew it was obviously awkward, and if she clenched her teeth and tried to act normal, it would make her look even worse….
But thinking about it, there was no reason for Noeul to feel awkward. Jiwoo was the one who had cried, wasn’t he? Normally, she should be teasing him. No, wait. Since she was the one who had caused him to cry, she couldn’t tease him. So maybe being awkward was the right thing…. That seemed somewhat correct….
At times like this, staying still was the best. Trying to break the awkwardness could easily lead to regrettable mistakes.
Just then, Hyemi ran over toward Jiwoo and Noeul with quick steps.
A few other students who were with Hyemi followed, looking curious.
Hyemi looked unusually excited.
“Jiwoo, do you want to go on a blind date?”
“Huh? A blind date?”
Noeul pretended not to care, but her attention was fixed on Hyemi and Jiwoo.
Hyemi held out her phone toward Jiwoo.
“Yeah. I finally found someone I can introduce to you.”
Noeul glanced at Hyemi’s phone. There was a photo of a handsome man—so good-looking that she could believe he was an unknown actor.
Noeul quickly turned her head away.
Hyemi’s eyes sparkled as she asked,
“Isn’t he great? I mean, he’s insanely good-looking, right?”
Jiwoo scratched his nose and said,
“Mm.”
Hyemi seemed unsatisfied with his lukewarm response.
“Hey, don’t just glance at him. Look closely.”
“I already looked closely.”
“No… I mean, he really looks like that. Totally different from guys who fake it with photos.”
“Mm. Yeah, he’s handsome. I said that already.”
“Ah, stop scratching your nose.”
“I didn’t scratch my nose. It was itchy.”
“That counts as scratching… Anyway, what do you think? Do you want to go on a blind date?”
Jiwoo rubbed his neck.
“Mm….”
“…Why? Isn’t he seriously a masterpiece? Am I the only one who thinks he’s handsome? …No, he really is.”
“Is he fun?”
“Huh?”
“Is he an interesting person?”
“Don’t know.”
“Really? Haven’t you talked to him?”
“Yeah. But just looking at his face is already funny, don’t you think?”
“Ugh….”
“…Ah, frustrating. Just say if you’re interested or not.”
“How can you decide so fast just by looking at a photo~.”
“No, he looks exactly like that in real life. He just looks like this. 182 cm tall.”
“No, I mean… you need to know his personality to decide whether to go out with him or not.”
“Personality? Perso—what~?”
Hyemi stared at Jiwoo like he said something ridiculous.
Then, frustrated, she said,
“He must have a good personality. With that face, how could he have a bad personality? And guys’ personalities are all pretty much the same anyway.”
“Maybe….”
“…Hey. Be honest. He’s not your type, right?”
“No~ he’s handsome.”
“Handsome, but not someone you’d date, right? You’re just making an excuse because it would sound bad if you said so?”
“No. I’m telling you, he’s really handsome.”
“Fine, fine. He’s out. I thought he’d work….”
Hyemi muttered as if still regretting, then returned to her friends.
Jiwoo stared blankly at her retreating figure and yawned.
In the past, Noeul would have mocked him silently. He talks about personality as if it matters so much, even though things like being fun or personality aren’t that important. He says stuff like that to appear as someone who values inner qualities. Even if Buddha himself appeared, he wouldn’t care about looks, yet he says such things.
But… if it’s not that… if he really means it….
Thinking that way, Jiwoo felt different to Noeul.
But could such a person really exist? Has Noeul ever met someone like that? Why should Jiwoo be an exception?
Noeul wondered if she was being deceived.
She was so preoccupied with such thoughts that she didn’t even notice the class passing by.
When the professor left, Hyemi came over again.
Noeul thought she would bring up the blind date again.
Why does she keep trying to set up someone who’s not interested…
But Hyemi spoke to Noeul instead of Jiwoo.
“Noeul, where did you get that scone the other day?”
“That? I bought it at Fragrant Coffee by the back gate.”
“Back gate? That’s too far.”
“Why? Was it good?”
“Mm… If it was closer, I would have tried to buy some before the next class.”
“Do you want one? I have it here.”
“Oh? Really? You didn’t buy it to eat yourself?”
“No. I don’t have the next class, so I can just have a meal instead.”
Hyemi looked at Noeul like a cat in rain boots.
“Noeul, you’re the best… amazing!”
Hyemi made a cute little noise.
Noeul frowned and said,
“Ugh… stop.”
Hyemi laughed and took the scone.
Noeul grabbed her bag to leave the classroom.
Then Jiwoo said,
“Hyemi really likes you.”
“Yeah. But that scone is really good.”
“Mm… you must be really thankful to her.”
“Well… I don’t think she looked that way.”
“Why? Her eyes were sparkling just now.”
“I’m just brushing it off as a joke.”
“Maybe… still, girls get secretly touched when you give them something to eat.”
“Oh… I see.”
“You gave Hyemi a scone last time too.”
“Mm.”
“Then she probably thinks you’re really a nice guy.”
…Just because of that…?
Does everyone really think people are that simple….
But why does he keep talking about Hyemi? Feels like he wants to say something else.
Jiwoo continued.
“She even put her hand on your shoulder that time.”
“Oh… did she?”
“Yeah… if it were me, I’d like someone who gives me bread.”
“…….”
Noeul wasn’t sure if Jiwoo was asking her for bread now or if he meant something else….
Noeul asked,
“You… want to buy me that scone…?”
“Huh? No, not like that… I just… maybe… I thought Hyemi might like you….”
“…….”
Is this… is he really saying this? Does he truly think that…?
Not just teasing, not trying to make her expect something foolish, not trying to show he doesn’t care about appearances….
He actually thinks that…?
Noeul didn’t know how much of Jiwoo’s words and actions to believe.
She used to pride herself on being good at reading people. Was she being too arrogant….
If everything Jiwoo said was sincere, what kind of person would he really be?
Noeul felt strange. She felt sorry for Jiwoo… felt foolish herself… and also a bit pitying.
She said,
“No. That can’t be.”
“Why?”
“…Because only you would think that.”
“Think what?”
“…That only you like people who give bread.”
Just because Jiwoo didn’t think Noeul was ugly, or treated her like any other guy, didn’t mean he liked her or that there was a possibility with her.
Yet… why does her heart beat so fast? That one fact made everything feel different.
Whenever she met Jiwoo, talked to him, or thought about him, one filter that had always been over her feelings seemed to disappear.
The filter that twisted Jiwoo’s words and actions into something negative, casting shadows on Noeul’s heart and dragging her into depression….
With that filter gone, Jiwoo’s words—“Noeul, let’s hang out after class”—simply sounded like “Noeul, let’s hang out after class.” “Noeul, let’s do the homework together” sounded like “Noeul, let’s do the homework together.” “Noeul, you have a good personality” sounded like “Noeul, you have a good personality.”
If she just heard Jiwoo as he really said things, without twisting them, she could feel happy a dozen times a day. That happiness could last all day, even two or three days. Unlike before, she wasn’t constantly depressed. If her default mood used to be basement level, now it felt like the third floor.
Like removing a stone holding a hot air balloon to the ground, Noeul’s heart floated freely.
She wanted to enjoy this moment, but at the same time, she was afraid. She didn’t know when this floating balloon heart would crash. Falling from high places hurts more.
Probably, the reason Noeul always lived with filters was this fear of falling. Afraid of being hurt, she never let herself rise too high.
Whenever she tried to rise even a little, she would think, No, Jiwoo meant something else. He wouldn’t say that to someone like you, and sink again. When she tried to rise again, she’d think, He’s secretly laughing at you. Don’t you get it? and sink again.
Noeul probably had lived like this her whole life. This was her survival method.
In a way, she had been choosing the safest path—never having expectations. To do so, she had to distort her thoughts about Jiwoo.
Noeul realized how strong her instinct to protect herself was.
But even knowing that… she was still scared. A part of her still screamed that Jiwoo’s words weren’t true. That she was naïve to believe it. That one day she’d be blindsided.
“…Park Hansol.”
Noeul said.
Hansol didn’t look up from his book.
“Yeah?”
“I’m ugly, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Really ugly, right?”
“Yeah.”
Noeul chuckled.
Hansol’s unhesitating, matter-of-fact answers made her laugh.
At the same time, she felt reassured that someone gave reasonable, objective answers.
Noeul kept asking.
“I wouldn’t want to be born like him, right? Ugly enough that you’d think that?”
“Yeah.”
“His life must be rough, right? Ugly enough to think that?”
“Yeah.”
“His parents must have been upset to have him, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Better off not seeing him if possible, right?”
“…Not really?”
Noeul looked at Hansol.
“What’s the difference?”
“…I don’t know. There’s just a difference.”
“…….”
