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Chapter 49
Noeul stared at the mirror for the first time in a long while.
Normally, he didn’t look into mirrors for more than a few seconds.
In fact, when he found himself somewhere with a mirror, he often felt the urge to leave as quickly as possible.
Even when everyone in the restroom would wash their hands and check their hair or clothes, Noeul would always walk out first.
He hated meeting his own gaze in the mirror.
It made him feel embarrassed—ashamed, even.
He was also afraid someone might see him looking at himself and sneer, “Hey, do you even look in mirrors?”
When he was alone, Noeul mocked himself.
What’s the point of looking? Would anything change?
There’s no hairstyle that could make that face look good.
No matter what you wear, it’s the same. You’re ugly anyway. Just go out.
Even when applying lotion or sunscreen, he didn’t look. He’d just slap it on roughly.
If someone pointed out that he’d missed a spot and said,
“Dude, at least look in a mirror when you put stuff on,”
he actually felt relieved.
It was easier when people saw him as someone who didn’t care about his looks.
With a face like his, wouldn’t it just be pathetic to care about appearances?
So Noeul always looked at mirrors only in passing.
But now, the face staring back at him after so long felt both familiar and strange.
One thing was certain—it was ugly.
Subjectively or objectively, it was ugly.
They say men usually think, I look decent enough,
which probably means they’re actually worse than they think.
Didn’t Hansol always say, “You’re ugly beyond words”?
— You’re so ugly it’s better if you just don’t look in mirrors, right?
— …That’s not true.
Why had she said it wasn’t?
He was ugly—but did she mean not so ugly that she didn’t want to see him?
That maybe he was bearable to look at?
That he wasn’t completely repulsive?
Or that maybe he was that repulsive, but since she was his friend, she’d just deal with it?
Noeul tilted his head left, then right, examining himself.
Maybe… maybe he looked kind of average?
If someone had a decent personality, maybe a face like this could be tolerable?
Could someone call it a kind or charming face?
Sure, he wasn’t handsome—but maybe he wasn’t so ugly it made people uncomfortable…?
‘……’
Then Noeul suddenly wondered what he was even doing.
It wasn’t the first time he’d tried to find something redeemable in his reflection.
Whenever someone said things like,
“You’re not that bad,” or
“Guys don’t have to be handsome,” or
“You’re not ugly, just… unique,”
those words felt like a single ray of light to him.
And for a moment, he’d think, Maybe they’re right.
But that hope always got crushed soon after.
It wasn’t that Noeul was too rational to delude himself.
It was that there simply wasn’t enough to delude himself about.
The darkness was too strong for that tiny bit of light to survive.
After more than twenty years of living like that, the belief that he was ugly had taken deep root in him.
It wasn’t something that changed easily.
No matter what anyone said, Noeul knew he was ugly.
And if that was true, then this too must be true:
Noeul could never be the object of anyone’s romantic affection.
So then why—why did his heart keep floating like this?
It was like finding a secret note from Jiwoo saying, “Noeul’s actually kind of cool.”
Even before he could make sense of it, he’d already gotten nervous around her.
His mind fixated on her.
He dropped things.
He went quiet, too afraid to mess up.
He knew this feeling.
He had fallen for Jiwoo again.
But was “again” even right? Had there ever been a time when he didn’t like her?
If he’d truly never liked her, he wouldn’t have analyzed every little thing she said or did.
He liked her.
But he also believed he shouldn’t.
So he’d convinced himself not to.
Look at her—she’s just like the other girls.
She only cares about her image.
She’s shallow, obsessed with looks.
He’d kept telling himself those things.
Maybe if he did long enough, he could stop liking her.
Maybe he’d finally stop overanalyzing everything she said.
Would it have been better not to know Jiwoo’s true feelings—
and just stop liking her altogether?
Or was it better to know—and still keep liking her?
Maybe the first.
Some truths only make you suffer once you know them.
But it was too late now.
“Sunbae~.”
At some point, Yeonsu had appeared right in front of him, looking up.
He must’ve been walking too carelessly, lost in thought.
He wondered if his “deep in thought” face had looked stupid.
Didn’t matter. He looked stupid anyway.
Noeul answered,
“Hey. What’s up.”
“What were you thinking about so seriously?”
“That the cafeteria ramen portions got hella small lately.”
“Oh really? Were they big before?”
“Of course~! Back in my day, a single bowl could feed a whole group—me, my classmates, even a senior’s girlfriend. We used to boil it in a cauldron, man. It was like the miracle of the loaves and fishes! But these days… meh.”
“Hahaha! What are you even talking about~ You never tell the truth, do you?”
“What? I’m the most honest guy you’ll ever meet.”
“Then keep your promise and buy me that meal you said you would.”
Yeonsu playfully punched his arm.
Noeul looked away awkwardly toward the distance.
“Ah… about that…”
Then someone suddenly stepped in between them.
“I’ll buy you dinner.”
It was Jiwoo.
She slipped her arm through Yeonsu’s.
“What do you like to eat?”
“Ah… haha… I like everything.”
Yeonsu’s tone was suddenly tense.
“Great. Then I’ll pick what we eat later.”
“O-okay…”
“By the way, are you using that textbook I gave you?”
“Yes, thank you…”
Something about the air between them felt off—like an older girl teasing a nervous freshman.
Noeul pretended not to notice and kept walking.
He didn’t want to get involved in girl drama.
But still—
the way Jiwoo had stepped between him and Yeonsu,
the way she’d pulled Yeonsu slightly aside by linking arms,
the way she’d said I’ll buy you dinner—
It almost felt like she was subtly trying to pull Yeonsu away from him.
No. Don’t overthink it.
The prettiest girl in school being jealous over him and some other girl?
That kind of delusion would’ve been ridiculous even in elementary school.
And now he was doing it in college? Please.
…But so what if it was a delusion?
It’s not like it hurt anyone.
As long as he knew it was just a fantasy, what harm was there?
If it made his heart race like this—
why not just enjoy it for a while?
He knew the feeling wouldn’t last anyway.
Sooner or later, Jiwoo would show interest in someone else,
or he’d see something that proved she didn’t see him that way.
And the warmth would fade.
So why not just enjoy this moment while it lasted?
Even if he’d have to pay for it later—it felt worth it.
Yeonsu eventually excused herself, saying she had class, and hurried off.
Jiwoo smiled and told her to hurry before she was late.
Then Noeul said,
“You and Yeonsu get along okay, right?”
“Of course. I even lent her a textbook.”
“Yeah, that’s good.”
“Why? You think we don’t?”
“No. Just asking.”
“Actually, I’ve been… setting some boundaries.”
“What kind of boundaries?”
“Um… like… not touching people you’re not close to.”
“What? Why would you make that a rule?”
“Hmm… just because!”
There was definitely a “just because” hiding something more.
A reason she didn’t want to say.
Could that reason be that… she didn’t like other girls touching him?
No, no way.
She probably just disliked clingy behavior in general.
Or maybe she’d seen it happen to someone else and found it annoying.
Still—Noeul wanted to linger in that fantasy.
He didn’t want to tell himself, Stop it. It’s just a delusion.
Instead, he thought, I know it’s a delusion… but let me feel this a little longer.
“Noeul, come to the library with me for a sec. I need to return a book.”
“…Yeah. Sure.”
“3,500 won, please.”
Noeul handed over his card.
“No receipt, thanks.”
“Thank you.”
“Have a nice day.”
He stepped out of Hyanggeut Coffee,
slipped the scone he’d just bought into his bag,
and started walking toward the back gate.
He stopped at the crosswalk, waiting for the light to change.
“If it were me, I’d love someone who brings me bread.”
Noeul smiled faintly.
That was such a Jiwoo thing to say.
He suddenly wondered—should I give the scone to Jiwoo?
To Jiwoo? Why?
Well… she said she likes pastries.
So just because she said she likes them, you’re gonna buy her one?
Not exactly… but she’s a friend.
If she said she likes something, it’s not weird to get it for her, right?
True… but won’t it seem kind of extra?
Maybe. But if I just say, “I was buying one for myself and remembered you liked these,” it sounds natural, doesn’t it?
Yeah, I guess.
But you only bought one scone.
Hmm… but I’m not really craving it. I bought it out of habit.
Then you don’t need to eat it.
Right. So maybe giving it to her isn’t weird.
Right?
Right.
The light turned green.
Noeul crossed and went through the back gate.
Jiwoo was already in the classroom when he arrived.
He couldn’t stop thinking about the scone sitting in his bag.
He sat beside her.
“Noeul, hi.”
“Hey. You’re early.”
“Yeah, my previous class ended ten minutes early.”
Should he give it to her now?
Better not overexplain—just give it.
If she asked, What’s this for?, then he could answer.
He rummaged through his bag, deliberately rough,
so it wouldn’t look like he’d prepared anything special.
Just before pulling it out, he hesitated.
Once it left the bag, there’d be no taking it back.
A scone is fine to give, right?
…Yeah.
He pulled it out and placed it in front of Jiwoo.
She blinked in surprise.
“What’s this?”
“That scone you gave to Hyemi before.”
“You’re giving it to me?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow.”
Jiwoo looked up at him with those bright, sparkling eyes.
She was a thousand times prettier—and more endearing—than Hyemi had ever been.
His heart thundered like it was on fire.
She immediately tore the wrapper open.
“Thanks. I’ll enjoy it.”
She didn’t ask why he’d bought it or why he was giving it to her.
She just ate.
Chewing like a little squirrel, like it was the best thing in the world—
even getting crumbs on the corner of her lips.
He wanted to brush them off—
No. Don’t even think about it. Pretend you didn’t see.
If Jiwoo always ate bread like that,
Noeul thought he could keep bringing her bread forever and never feel cheated.
Even if someday she said,
“I don’t want to see you anymore—you’re too ugly,”
he wouldn’t regret this.
Because it wasn’t for her.
It was for him.
Because watching her eat made him happy.
Then Jiwoo turned to him suddenly.
Noeul froze.
With a bright, chipmunk-like smile, she said,
“It’s so good.”
“…Eat a lot.”
He smiled faintly and looked forward.
‘……’
‘……’
‘……’
He knew.
It wasn’t just “I happened to think of you” or “I just bought it on a whim.”
He’d never just happened to buy something for anyone before.
Not even something that only cost three thousand won.
He wanted Jiwoo to think well of him.
He wanted her to notice that he remembered what she liked.
He wanted her to think about him—just once more.
That was a red flag.
A fantasy was supposed to stay a fantasy.
Once it spilled into the real world, it wasn’t a fantasy anymore.
He’d promised himself not to live like this.
He couldn’t help being ugly,
but he’d promised not to be pathetic.
So why was he doing this?
Did he really think Jiwoo was different?
Did he really think this time was special?
‘……’
