WTFUDLS 46

Chapter 46

Noeul imagined controlling a marionette.

Eating Malaxiangguo, saying things like, “You have to eat it once every cooldown, can’t you even eat this? Such a weakling,” laughing, talking about class, talking about classmates, saying “I have to get to my assignment quickly”—all of it…

It was a puppet show, performed by the marionette controlled by Noeul.

Inside, Noeul was expressionless. Silent. Even when the marionette laughed and chattered enthusiastically, only her fingers moved.

But when she was alone, her true self surfaced.

Noeul waved at Jiwoo, then turned and walked away with a blank expression.

—“Sorry. I have a boyfriend.”

Noeul recalled the feeling of Jiwoo’s arm wrapped around hers, the warmth from Jiwoo’s palm. She repeated the words “boyfriend.”

Even feeling fluttered by that was pathetic. Well… it couldn’t be helped. She was a guy, after all.

But the flutter was brief. Soon, Noeul was overwhelmed with shame.

From the look in that guy’s eyes, Noeul read so much. If you were going to reject me, just reject me. What kind of guy do you call your boyfriend? Is it because you’re worse than him, so get lost? This feels disgusting. And who is this guy anyway? Is he rich? Giving her bags and shoes while pretending to be friends? She must be smiling, thinking she’s lucky to have a boyfriend. Yeah, enjoy yourselves…

All of this passed through in 0.1 seconds. Did Jiwoo realize it?

Why did Jiwoo do that? Probably as a joke. How many times must he have gotten numbers from people with that face? He must have been tired of saying “sorry” each time. This time, he was about to say “sorry” again when Noeul happened to be nearby. He must have thought, “This could be fun,” and just did it.

There was no malice.

—“Why did you have to say that?”
—“Just!”

He literally just said it. He probably didn’t think about how it would affect Noeul. He might have assumed she’d just laugh it off.

But lack of malice doesn’t mean there’s no guilt. Just because someone means no harm, does it mean everything should be forgiven?

Noeul used to think that was right. He didn’t mean it badly. If I get angry, I’ll just look weird. If I say I’m hurt, he’ll think it’s nothing. I’ll just forgive it.

But that wasn’t true understanding. She hadn’t truly let it go.

She had to pretend to understand. She couldn’t get angry, couldn’t say she was hurt. What would happen if I didn’t understand? So she forced herself to accept it. He didn’t mean it badly, it was just a joke, so just count it as understood.

The anger that couldn’t be expressed, the hurt that went uncomforted, remained in her heart.

Her heart didn’t have weathering. Time didn’t heal it. Instead, it festered. Piled up, mixed together—anger and pain stacked over time.

She wondered if the result of all that was her current self.

Noeul knew it. She knew her thoughts were twisted. She saw people in the worst light. Surely people had good intentions, but Noeul dismissed them as fake, mocking them.

Even knowing this, she couldn’t fix it. She couldn’t help it. People’s ridicule, whispers of “ugly,” insults—they flashed through her mind automatically. Just seeing someone’s eyes, hearing someone’s words triggered it. Noeul’s mind was like a broken code decoder.

The ugliness wasn’t just in her face. It was in her heart too.

But thinking that her inner ugliness came from her appearance felt unfair. To think that her inner self twisted because of a face she didn’t choose made her resent the world.

And so she went astray again.

Noeul didn’t want to understand Jiwoo.

Jiwoo should have thought about how his words would sound to Noeul. Not thinking was just as wrong. Why not think? Noeul overanalyzed every word, every expression.

Not thinking was as bad as having malice. At least he should’ve known that speaking without thought could hurt someone. Not thinking was almost like intent.

He would call it a joke. But jokes are for toys, not people. Why should Noeul feel like a toy?

Noeul felt ashamed that she once liked someone like this.

She wondered if she should distance herself completely from Jiwoo.

But she couldn’t.

Jiwoo was like a passport for Noeul. Without a passport, you can’t enter any country. Without Jiwoo, Noeul couldn’t belong anywhere. Alone, she couldn’t prove she was worth being with a group. But being Jiwoo’s friend got her acceptance everywhere.

People might think, “Who’s this ugly kid?” but when they hear she’s Jiwoo’s friend, they’d think, “Hmm, maybe she’s not just ugly, maybe she has something, maybe she’s worth befriending.”

So after becoming friends with Jiwoo, Noeul didn’t try as hard to belong to any group. She had a passport. Showing it was enough.

She even felt superiority walking with Jiwoo, entering classrooms with him, or going to cafes.

In that sense… Noeul and Jiwoo were alike. Jiwoo used Noeul as a toy; Noeul used Jiwoo as a passport. There was no reason for Noeul to be angry, no reason for her to be a victim.

This was probably the kind of relationship they would always have. They could never truly be friends.

“Ahahaha! Ahahhah. This is hilarious.”

A few students in the lab were clapping and laughing.

As Noeul entered, she said,

—“Hey, Kang Byungjun, your laughter echoes all the way down the hallway.”

—“Wow, Han Noeul, perfect timing.”
—“What’s going on?”

Jiwoo followed and looked at Byungjun curiously.

Byungjun, still laughing, said,

—“I found several ways to describe you.”

—“Oh, here we go with the ridicule again.”

—“Listen… Noeul, you really… your facial features are so free-spirited.”

The others laughed again, finding it funny.

Noeul hit her forehead in frustration.

Byungjun continued,

—“Noeul… your face never bloomed properly, huh.”
—“Ahahaha!”
—“Noeul… your eyes, nose, mouth… anarchist style.”

Noeul tried to restrain both laughter and irritation.

—“Why are you being creative and ridiculous here? Did you learn copywriting just to use it on me? Did you pay tuition to make fun of me?”

—“No, I didn’t make it. Hehe, it’s circulating in the community. There’s tons more. I’ll send you the link.”

—“Shut up! You cruel bastards. Leave the ugly people alone!”

Noeul held her head, pretending to cry.

—“Just being ugly is already hard enough… please leave me alone…”

Her exaggerated act made the others giggle.

Then, a slightly annoyed but seemingly scolding voice spoke.

—“Hey, you’re not ugly.”

Noeul looked up.

Jiwoo blinked without a trace of a smile.

The laughter in the lab subsided.

Noeul felt she had to make a joke quickly to avoid awkwardness.

—“What now? You say that, then what, hit me from behind?”
—“No. I really mean it. You’re not ugly.”

Jiwoo’s tone sounded sincere, as if he wanted to insist that Noeul wasn’t ugly. This was different from just thinking she wasn’t ugly. He wanted to claim it.

By doing this, Jiwoo probably wanted others to see him as a kind, good person. Someone who doesn’t judge appearances. He’s so pretty, and he has no prejudice about looks.

People hearing Jiwoo would unconsciously reconsider Noeul’s appearance. Really not ugly? They’d also think about Jiwoo’s appearance. Soon they’d conclude: Noeul is obviously ugly… Jiwoo is so pretty.

That’s probably what Jiwoo wanted.

Jiwoo might know he’s using others to make himself look good. Surely he does. But he deceives himself: I really think Noeul isn’t ugly. Really. Then he insists on it for others and himself. That’s why the wounds Noeul receives have no real perpetrator.

But Jiwoo was definitely naive. Why wouldn’t he realize that others would notice too? He should’ve said it to someone only somewhat ugly, leaving some doubt that Jiwoo doesn’t think they’re ugly because he’s kind. Saying it to someone as absolutely ugly as Noeul—who would believe it?

Moreover, everyone else had been laughing at Noeul. If someone said she wasn’t ugly, what about those who had been laughing?

People instinctively protect themselves from being seen as bad. Naturally, they’d think negatively about Jiwoo. Why is he lying? She’s obviously ugly.

Noeul said,

—“Okay. You said I’m definitely not ugly. Don’t try to add any more jokes.”

Jiwoo seemed about to say something.

But Noeul interrupted quickly,

—“I want to be alone. Everyone else leave.”

Noeul pushed Byungjun on the sofa.

Byungjun said,

—“If you want to be alone, you go. There are so few people here anyway.”

—“No need to comfort me. Just leave me alone.”
—“Ah, fine, leave. I’ll leave you alone.”
—“Stop. Stop clinging, Byungjun.”
—“Clinging? What clinging?”

They bickered, and Jiwoo naturally lost the chance to speak.

One by one, the students left for class.

Eventually, only Noeul and Jiwoo remained.

Silence fell in the lab.

Noeul pretended not to notice the awkward silence, focusing on her laptop.

—“Noeul.”

Jiwoo broke the silence.

Noeul answered as if distracted, pretending not to notice him.

—“Hmm?”
—“What are you doing after going home today?”
—“I think I’ll prepare for the Gwama quiz.”
—“Isn’t that next week?”
—“Better to do it in advance.”
—“Don’t do it in advance. Let’s drink, just the two of us.”

Noeul thought about the homework due tomorrow. But she realized, there was no need to lie or avoid him anymore. Nothing was left to hide. They could just drink like with the others.

—“Sure. Joon-gi probably has nothing today, and… I’ll ask Hansol.”
—“…No, today, just the two of us.”
—“…Why?”
—“Just.”
—“…Hmm, just~.”
—“Do we need a reason?”

Noeul felt nervous. Why was he insisting on just the two of them? Did he have something to say?

—“Well, it’s better if we all went together, since we’re eating, right? Since the semester started, we haven’t…”

Jiwoo cut her off.

—“Still, today, just the two of us.”