TVOWW 82

Chapter 81

I Love You, Just As You Wanted

Johan couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He just hugged her tighter. He couldn’t stand it unless he held her in his arms.

There was a faint warmth.

‘…Stop what?’

But Estelle’s tearful voice didn’t fade; it stayed vivid in his ears. Her biting sarcasm and desperate pleas were mixed together.

‘Isn’t this what you wanted, Johan?’

‘Then please… please spare me.’

Even with his eyes closed, Estelle’s pitiful face appeared as though burned onto his retinas.

‘If not this, then what? You told me that if I wanted to live, I should kneel, cry, and beg. You said if I did that, you’d give me anything.’

‘So please, just once, forgive me. Before, you also… you also said you couldn’t live without me. You said if I begged like this, you’d let me live.’

Estelle, her gentle eyes reddened, begging so desperately that even he felt miserable watching her. Once, he’d thought she must have grown up seeing only beautiful and precious things.

‘Beg to live!’

Now it hurt to hold Estelle.

‘Yes, beg. Say you want to live, no matter what.’

Now that he thought about it, he couldn’t even understand why he’d been so harsh. His own unkind attitude…

Realizing Estelle had been desperate enough to plead like that out of fear made his chest ache all the more.

“What am I supposed to stop? What do I have to do to give you what you want?”

Johan swallowed his breath slowly, unknowingly tightening his grip. The delicate shoulders he held trembled as though they’d crumble.

‘What is it I really want from Estelle…?’

Johan was at a loss for words.

He felt like a stranger to himself. Normally, Johan could handle this sort of situation easily.

Dealing with someone like this was simple. The more shaken they were, the easier it was for him to manipulate them.

But nothing felt simple now.

“…Estelle.”

He had never imagined that Estelle would be so terrified of the fact that she was an unloved daughter.

“Estelle, look at my face.”

Finally Johan released Estelle from his arms and faced her. Seeing the traces of sorrow on her face, he felt an unexpected pain constricting his heart.

‘Where did it go wrong?’

Johan, who had always acted like the most competent man alive, now felt ridiculous. The only words he managed to utter were:

“This isn’t what I wanted.”

Just that.

He couldn’t comfort her. He couldn’t ease her pain—pain caused by himself.

‘…Is this regret?’

Johan endured in silence as Estelle lashed out, shoving his chest with her arms. He had to do whatever it took not to make her suffer more. He needed to clear up her misunderstandings and convey his true feelings.

“Anyway…”

At that moment, Estelle said something he hadn’t expected.

“Anyway, you don’t even love me.”

“I don’t?”

It was as if a thread snapped in his head. Unthinkingly, he leaned closer to her.

“You’re saying I don’t love you?”

Perhaps it was also a question to himself.

‘Didn’t I love Estelle?’

Honestly, he had never even considered that question.

‘…I don’t love her?’

These were his own feelings. Estelle hadn’t said she didn’t love him—only that he didn’t love her.

Yet Johan was angry. Her words sounded like Estelle didn’t love him.

“Estelle, when did I ever tell you I don’t love you?”

“…You didn’t, but…”

“Then why assume my feelings on your own?”

Johan felt his heart twisting. Estelle’s navy eyes trembled like crashing waves.

“But Johan, you’ve never said you love me either.”

Her face grew even paler. Johan suddenly felt like Estelle was a sugar doll about to shatter.

Looking into his red eyes, she asked:

“Do you love me?”

Johan opened his mouth to answer—
but Estelle, who had been crying, coughed up red blood.

“You—this time too—”

“It’s all right. It’s not important.”

Covering her mouth with her hand, Estelle looked at him.

“Do you love me?”

Just as Johan was about to reply, he sensed something different.

‘What is this…?’

Estelle’s presence grew faint as if she were disappearing. At first he thought her body was simply cold and tried to call for a doctor, but it wasn’t that at all.

‘A curse.’

The curse had consumed her body.

‘How did a curse…’

Estelle sobbed, tears falling.

“Why won’t you answer me?”

At that moment Johan realized he’d been distracted by everything else.

“No, Estelle. I—”

Just as he tried to speak the feelings he had yet to confront, Estelle blinked slowly and collapsed.

“…Estelle?”

His heart plummeted. He froze, listening for her heartbeat, checking her condition.

‘Thank God.’

Estelle was alive.

As before, she had only fallen asleep for reasons unknown. Johan stroked her soft hair and buried his nose in the nape of her neck.

He breathed only in time with Estelle’s breath.

Suppressing his rising fear and helplessness, Johan forced a smile.

‘You’ll wake up like always.’

He would make sure of it, somehow. But it was clearer than ever that he no longer had time to be selective about his methods.

He would not waste another second.

“I love you.”

When he had met Estelle’s navy eyes, he had hesitated.

He’d experienced love and preciousness in childhood, but it had been so long that he wasn’t sure if this was the feeling Estelle meant.

It was strange, but Johan wanted to be as honest as possible with her.

He could deceive everyone else in the world, but with Estelle he wanted to show only the truth.

‘What does it matter?’

But in the end, from that honest struggle, all he gained was Estelle collapsing before hearing his answer.

‘If only I’d told you what you wanted.’

Estelle.

Every time Johan looked at her, he was confused.

Her very existence ruined his plans, made him accept what he’d never intended, and even made him forget that revenge had once been his life’s purpose. She had made him reconsider everything from the beginning.

‘And yet I…’

Johan lifted the sleeping Estelle and kissed her cheek lightly.

“When you wake up, I’ll tell you a hundred times.”

Estelle had given an empty man impulses, provoked feelings he didn’t understand, and made him obsess over her.

He wanted to know everything about her. He wanted to destroy everything that had hurt her. He wanted her to be unable to live without him.

It was, at some point, a feeling completely unrelated to revenge.

Still, Johan wanted it. He wanted Estelle’s world to be left with only him.

So that under her eyelids, her eyes could hold only him; so that her precious hands and feet could be touched only by him; so that her ears could hear only his voice, her breaths be felt only by him, her heart beat only for him.

“If you want it, I can become anything. I can do anything for you.”

Aware that he had become a monster befitting a man of revenge, Johan chuckled.

‘Horrors can be hidden well enough.’

He would keep Estelle from being frightened or repulsed. He would cut away and hide every terrible part of himself, showing her only the most beautiful and good.

“Then you won’t be so anxious anymore.”

A vicious, terrible possessiveness throbbed violently near his heart. Holding Estelle, Johan walked out.

By then night had passed, and the rising morning sun poured over Estelle’s platinum hair.

Johan’s red eyes glinted with madness. Yet his languid voice was sweet as he whispered:

“I’ll love you just as you wanted.”

And so the broken monster kissed the woman who had become his heart.

“And we’ll be together forever.”

*

Miryu committed suicide in prison.

She used the items Baroness Juti had given her out of worry to end her life.

*“I’m sorry to everyone. Unable to atone for my sins any other way, I offer my death as penance.

I apologize to Hesen and Princess Diana, who were deceived by me; to Queen Royam; to my family, who covered up my illegitimacy and treated me as their own daughter; and most of all to the Saintess, who suffered harm from my lies. I regret that I cannot apologize while alive.”*

High society, which had been shocked by Miryu’s true identity, suddenly fell silent.

No matter how heinous her crimes, they had not yet been fully revealed in court.

There was a reluctance to speak ill of the dead, but many murmurs spread.

“How great must her sin have been that she chose to escape through death?”

“Still, she’s only Baroness Juti’s young daughter. Perhaps she took such an extreme choice out of fear…”

“But hasn’t the temple said nothing yet? With all the nobles who donate to the temple, how can there be no statement? Why did the Saintess support such a lie deceiving the Royam royal family?”

The temple too was in serious trouble.

“What do we do about this? Can we keep silent as before?”

“Of course not. By punishing that wicked woman, we hoped to spare the innocent Saintess…”

This was not some casual private talk. This was about what the Saintess had done at a royal family’s official announcement.

‘Why did the Saintess do such a thing?’

‘She grew up only in the temple and doesn’t know the ways of the world—there’s no helping it.’

Already Saintess Stella was plagued by doubts about her sincerity.

Because the Saintess embodied not only the temple but the honor of the Holy Nation at its heart, even priests and cardinals were tense.

“Has the Saintess said anything?”

“She seems deeply shocked that someone she blessed could be such a terrible person—true to her kind and innocent nature.”

Cardinal Simon sighed as he looked toward where the Saintess stayed.

“I hope she endures this trial.”

At that moment the Saintess entered the conference room. Perhaps from praying all night, her sad eyes looked tired, but her beauty was undiminished.

“Saintess!”

All the cardinals rose from their seats.

“What brings you to the conference room? Are you feeling well?”

“In such difficult times, I can’t just hide alone.”

“But this isn’t your fault…”

At their concern, Saintess Stella lowered her long lashes sadly.

“The Lord commands us to offer mercy and goodwill even to the robber with a knife. I too will try to think of this as a trial sent by Him.”

The cardinals were all moved by her frail yet devout words.

“Please don’t, Saintess. You’re the treasure of the Holy Nation. We can’t just let someone like you suffer.”

“That’s right. We’ll take care of everything. We can quell such rumors. With the Lord behind us, what is there to fear?”

“If we ask His Holiness the Pope for help, we’ll manage somehow.”

“Thank you, all of you.”

Stella, tears welling up, swayed as if exhausted. The cardinals panicked and supported her.

“No—Saintess! Are you unwell?”

“N… no. My heart’s been unsettled lately, that’s all. More importantly…”

With Cardinal Simon’s help, she sat down and softly spoke.

“What if I conveyed my true feelings to His Majesty the Emperor?”

“To the Emperor? But His Majesty wouldn’t accept a letter from the temple…”

“What if we use stationery bearing the Pope’s seal?”

The cardinal managing the Pope’s letters looked troubled.

“But that requires His Holiness’s permission and is only for emergencies…”

“You can explain later! Would His Holiness refuse anything for the Saintess?”

At Cardinal Simon’s rebuke, the others immediately produced the letter paper for her. Stella furrowed her brows slightly.

“If it’s too hard, you can do it later…”

“No, Saintess. Fulfilling your will first is what’s most important.”

“Thank you.”

Taking the paper, Stella went upstairs and wrote at once.

To His Imperial Majesty, my dearest regards.

• Child, are you all right?

• We’ve strained your body by using your power without permission. But now no more of your life force will be stolen by the curse. That should be some relief…

• Is that what matters now? Ask how she’s feeling first!

I woke slowly to the noisy voices of the trees. Right before my eyes was Johan.

“You’re awake?”

“Yeah… I must have collapsed again. How did…”

“It’s fine. More importantly, Estelle.”

Johan gently lifted my hand and kissed it. His hot lips brushed my fingers. Then, in a voice unlike his usual, he said:

“I wanted to say it the moment you woke up—I love you.”

“…”

“I love you. I’m sorry for saying it so late.”

Looking at me with strange eyes, he bit the fourth finger he’d just kissed, leaving a mark. Then, satisfied, he pressed his lips to it again.

“If you don’t wear the ring I gave you anymore, I’ll leave my mark instead.”