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Chapter 76
[Does your wife know about this situation?]
At my sharp question, the Grand Duke froze.
[No, she doesn’t know.]
Still, he answered obediently.
[Why doesn’t she know?]
[Because I didn’t tell her.]
[Why didn’t you? She’s your wife, your family.]
It might look like I was nitpicking, but I didn’t care. I needed to hear his answer to this.
The Grand Duke stopped walking completely now. A cold energy lingered in his gaze as he looked down at me.
Perhaps I had offended him. Bringing up his wife out of nowhere might have been his sore spot.
Under the pale moonlight, his long silver lashes cast deep shadows. Could shadows really have weight? His eyelids drooped heavily.
[You seem far too curious about my private life.]
[As a married woman myself, I can’t help but wonder. If your younger sister is in such a situation, why didn’t you confide in your wife? Why did you come to a lowly pawnbroker first?]
His shoulders stiffened at that.
I almost laughed. Even through the veil covering his face, it felt like I could see his complexion turning pale.
I wanted to press him harder.
[Did you think telling your wife wouldn’t help?]
[No. If I asked for help, she would throw herself into it without hesitation.]
Ah, so you do know that—and yet you still didn’t tell her?
[Then she must be capable, but perhaps not trustworthy. Otherwise, why wouldn’t you even confide something so important to a close family member?]
[Don’t speak carelessly about my wife.]
His gesture and his voice were both firm. If I pushed further, he looked ready to flare up at any moment.
Still, I pressed on. Balancing on a tightrope was my specialty.
[If it’s truly important, there’s no reason not to tell your wife.]
I replied calmly. Whether he got angry or not, I still needed to hear his answer.
The Grand Duke let out a deep sigh and dragged his gloved hand over the hood covering his face, as if washing his face dry.
[I was afraid.]
The signs he made were heavy, as if wrung out with great effort. His voice, too, was strangled.
[Afraid of what?]
[That I would become her weakness.]
Her weakness?
Had I read his sign language correctly?
[Do you mean you thought your wife would exploit your weakness?]
If he thought I was the kind of person to seize on weaknesses, he couldn’t be more wrong. I’d never shaken someone down for that—
…Ahem, well, not never. Politics sometimes required it.
But never with someone under my protection. And certainly not with my husband.
[No. I’m already her weakness. Because of my foolish actions, she’s already suffered disgrace. I’m terrified someone else might use me to hurt her.]
Ah, so that’s what you think—that by marrying you, I exposed myself to weakness.
“My memories came back. I remember everything that madman said to my wife. I… I don’t want her to suffer attacks because of me. I can’t bear the thought of her being humiliated while trying to protect me.”
He stopped signing and spoke aloud, his breath moving the cloth covering his lips.
His memories… had returned?
It must have been when he fainted under the crown prince’s drug. Back when I went to rescue him in the Yorca royal palace. He remembered everything the crown prince said to me.
So the drug clouded his mind, but didn’t erase memory.
“I loathe my own incompetence and helplessness. The idea that my wife sees me as someone she must always protect—it fills me with despair.”
He tore at the cloth over his chest with his large hands, crushing the fabric mercilessly.
I wanted to ask, why despair? But I couldn’t. I was supposed to be deaf.
So he poured his heart out as though I were a bamboo forest.
[I can’t hear a thing. Could you sign instead?]
There were limits to how long I could pretend.
[My apologies. I ended up venting to someone who can’t hear.]
[It’s fine. Say it all. But tell me—do you truly think your wife is so easily shaken by others? Do you believe she can’t even protect your sister?]
I’d be disappointed if he was underestimating me.
[No. She’s strong. If asked to protect something, she would do so willingly. But I have two fears.]
Two?
I fixed my gaze on his fingers, waiting.
[First… my sister doesn’t even know her own birth. She doesn’t know I’m her brother. I’ve never told anyone her identity. She’s just a simple girl who grew up deep in the forest. If some stranger suddenly started protecting her, she’d question why, feel confused. Eventually, I’d have to explain. And that terrifies me.]
So he was afraid of the day she would face the truth.
All those years of silence would make the truth feel like betrayal.
[You wanted to let her live her whole life without knowing? Why? Is there some grand secret to her birth?]
There was, in fact. She was royal blood—the defeated king’s line, exiled to the island. Still, royal blood was royal blood.
[Don’t you also keep your own identity secret from everyone, pawnbroker? Is there some grand secret behind that too?]
He shot back with a counter-question.
Ha. This man was frustratingly sharp. My being a true lord wasn’t exactly a “grand secret,” but still.
[No. I just don’t bother to mention my lowly background. What’s the other fear?]
[You’re relentless with your questions.]
[I only want to know what the man who came to me for help is trying to avoid.]
After some hesitation, he signed again.
[I hate that the feelings my wife has for me are guilt and a sense of debt.]
…What?
Perfectly natural feelings for a human to have. Why would he hate that?
[Why? Those aren’t bad feelings.]
[Because they make me want things I shouldn’t.]
[What do you want?]
Instead of answering, he chuckled dryly.
“This feels like I’m getting romance counseling.”
With a helpless sigh, he finally signed again.
[I wish she would see me only as a man.]
…Wait. Did I understand that correctly?
He wanted to be seen as a man?
My heart lurched. I forced myself to breathe deeply and signed back.
[Do you think your wife doesn’t see you as a man?]
Ugh, my hand gestures faltered slightly. I hoped he didn’t notice my fluster.
[She probably sees me as nothing more than a young, naïve boy. The age gap must seem large to her.]
He answered firmly.
Quietly, I reflected. Yes, sometimes when he acted clumsily, I thought he seemed boyish. His innocent eyes made me want to protect him.
But still…
I had never thought of him as not a man. Oh, no, I definitely saw him as a man…
Why was my face burning so hot? The heat creeping up my neck felt like it would seep right through my veil.
Pull yourself together, Alyssa Lassantia. When in doubt, charge forward.
[Have you not consummated your marriage yet?]
I regretted it as soon as the words left my hands. Too provocative, maybe even mocking.
[You ask the strangest things. No, we haven’t.]
[Yet you want her to see you as a man. Doesn’t that mean you don’t even wish to embrace her?]
[Of course I do. I’m a man. I burn for her. More than I can handle.]
His deep, resonant voice. His unhesitant signs.
W–Wait. Did he just say… for me?
I was speechless, staring up at him with sealed lips.
When our eyes met, I instantly looked away. Until now, I’d always met his gaze without hesitation. But suddenly, even the brush of his eyes against mine was unbearable.
[For some time now, I’ve been like a boy in puberty—unable to tear myself away from her at night. Pathetic, isn’t it? To go through such rites of passage only now, in my twenties. And all for a woman who only treats me out of duty.]
He finished signing and looked up at the sky.
Blink, blink. His violet eyes shimmered with starlight.
It was an unexpected revelation. Now I knew what he truly thought of me.
But it still didn’t feel real.
“I grew late. I’d like to blame being locked away… but no. I don’t want to make excuses for my flaws.”
He spoke into the air, without signs.
I pretended not to hear and started walking again.
He walked beside me, matching my steps.
“Perhaps I should even be grateful for her guilt and sense of duty. Without that, she wouldn’t even spare me a glance.”
His quiet self-mockery filled the night.
Where was I supposed to start? Yes, I did feel guilt and duty toward him, but…
That wasn’t the whole truth of my feelings. They weren’t so simple.
My lips felt parched. How was I supposed to face him from tomorrow on?
We turned down a winding alley. As we walked side by side, I suddenly heard voices behind us. Men’s voices.
I couldn’t turn to look—I was supposed to be deaf—but I strained my ears.
“Who are those two up ahead? Suspicious-looking.”
“Hm. Two people skulking around at this hour, dressed in black? Nine times out of ten, they’re thieves.”
“You there! Stop at once!”
Damn it. Garrison soldiers.
Why did there have to be a random inspection here, of all places?
