TNLA 48

Chapter 48

He had broken it with his own hand. How could she ever forget? The feel of him clutching her bare foot, the sensation that came through his palm the moment the joint snapped out of place, the crack that reached her ears, and you, swallowing your groan without even a scream.

That merciless hand that bent her so easily, without a moment’s hesitation.

That terrible monster who smiled in satisfaction without a trace of guilt or remorse.

It all came back to him vividly. He felt sick. In his empty hands it was as if he were holding your broken ankle again.

Azen stared at the wide choker around her neck.

…During her life as a lady, she had never once worn such a wide choker.

He could not be unaware of the hideous, disgusting crimes hidden beneath that beautiful white lace.

While he was frantically devouring her within his arms, lost in ecstasy and endless pleasure alone, she must have been crushed under her own weight, breaking apart and wasting away to death.

Yes. That bastard never saw you.

He was too busy pulling your body closer and closer, greedily inhaling your scent, madly tasting your skin with his mouth, too busy taking the sweetness of you, to notice at all that you were dying.

He vaguely remembered her, trapped under him as he breathed in rapture and bliss alone, her thin body wasted away, her eyes empty of even a trace of moisture, staring blankly at the air, filled only with resignation.

And even then, what he thought about was only his desperate craving to be seen by her — not why she was dying.

That was how he killed her. Day after day. Night after night. Gnawed at her life, plundered her radiance. That was how she died.

He didn’t want to recall it. Didn’t want to imagine it. Wanted to believe it had never happened.
But it had happened. And it was still happening even now.

Even now, that shameless bastard waiting just beyond that wall… with you…

Boiling filth surged to the top of his head, pouring into his lungs every time he tried to breathe. He wanted to tear out his own heart.

But he had to control himself. He couldn’t afford to break. He couldn’t afford to feel murderous intent. Not now.

If his emotions cracked, the presence he was pressing down might leak out.

Rage and self‑hatred were luxuries only for those who had the power and the right.

Forcing himself to steady his heart, Azen exhaled once and looked at Arlen’s face.

All of his karma — the things he didn’t want to remember, didn’t want to recall, didn’t want to acknowledge, wanted only to turn away from and deny — were gathered before his eyes.

She had done nothing wrong. She had committed no crime. And yet she stood, precarious as though she might collapse at any moment, covered in all the evil and sin he had committed, yet still holding herself upright.

Her soul that he had gnawed away, her feet that he had broken, wearing a smile carefully made on her face.

…She wanted me not to know any of this.

She didn’t know that all the things she so desperately wanted to hide, I already knew.

The false smile on her face looked much more natural than before.

That hurt even more.

“I…”

When he opened his mouth in a husky voice, Arlen looked at his face.

“I’m not okay, my lady…”

Thanks to Yueri’s dazzling promotion and Kashien’s permission, Anna had already been buying all sorts of things for Arlen. But in truth, Kashien didn’t care about trinkets.

From the start, he didn’t care about dresses either.

Of course, he would wrap her in the finest dress, adorn her with the finest accessories, and hang the finest jewels on her. If it wasn’t the best, he didn’t even want it to touch her. That was why her room was already full of treasures.

But he never felt the need to personally choose the dress or the shoes.

Everything suited her anyway. She looked beautiful and radiant in anything. Dressing her well was only about giving her the best of everything; he never thought about which dress was better or worse.

He could have bought the entire boutique without a second thought. He could have bought out the entire jeweler as easily. He was only doing this outing because he’d been advised that shopping like this was a change of pace.

Still, he held one hat carefully in his hands. The sight of his lord sitting there with a pleasant expression, holding a white ladies’ hat, was so unfamiliar that the knights who’d come along averted their eyes awkwardly.

At last, the fitting room door opened and she came out with help.

“Did we keep you waiting long? The young lady’s figure has changed so much since last time, it took a while to pin.”

He barely heard Madame Poire’s smiling words.

Wearing a bright green dress, she looked like a springtime forest — except for her expression.

Indeed, she had gained a little weight since she’d tried it on at the castle, and it suited her even better.

He rose from the sofa and strode toward her. Step by step, he could see her flinch, but it didn’t matter.

He lowered his head slightly as she turned her bright hair away from him, and the white hat came to rest atop it.

Kashien stepped back two or three paces and admired her.

Standing tense, with her hands clasped in front of her, something was missing.

“Raise your head.”

At the sudden words, she started and then slowly lifted her head.

Her wide eyes, full of fear and tension, struggled to look at him.

“Smile.”

Her pupils trembled; she bit and released her lip as if unsure what to do.

Kashien waited quietly.

At last she began to pull up the corners of her lips awkwardly. The crooked smile slowly arced into something more natural; even her eyes began to relax slightly.

A smile spread across Kashien’s face.

It was a little different, though.

The first time they met, the dress had been a lighter yellow‑green, a little shorter — an outing dress for a younger girl. White petticoats had peeked out from beneath. The white hat’s brim had been a little wider and rougher in texture, the green ribbon a little deeper in color.

Most of all, her expression and eyes had been different. The clear green eyes, shining with goodwill as she smiled brightly, were now trembling, unsure, full of fear.

But still, this sight reminded him of that time, gave him confidence that he could bring that moment back soon.

That he would soon have her back in his hands.

Arlen could not understand why Kashien was smiling at her like that, but she forced herself to keep looking at him so as not to reveal the person beyond the wall.

She would meekly do whatever was asked.

Yet even looking at him made her break into a cold sweat, made it hard to breathe.

The smile she had managed naturally in front of Azen now felt like it might twitch at the corners of her mouth.

The hands she clasped together were damp with sweat.

She fiddled with her fingertips, only wishing — whatever he wanted to see, let it end soon.

That night, waking in the middle of the night, Arlen lay blankly.

She didn’t know what time it was; outside was pitch‑dark. Only one dim candle burning through the night faintly lit the room.

From behind, the man’s big arms and legs encircled her, locking her in place, pressing on her so heavily she couldn’t breathe.

Her whole body ached and throbbed.

Kashien was by nature insensitive to pain, and he wasn’t the kind of person delicate enough to notice another’s suffering and be considerate first. Arlen had no desire to express her pain and plead for his mercy.

As a result she was always in pain and suffering, but she didn’t care. Physical pain wasn’t the main part anyway.

Every time she was placed on the bed, she felt like a slab of meat on a dish. Like she was on the monster’s table — the monster who had torn apart and killed everyone precious to her — being carved, bitten, mixed with foul saliva, crushed and broken and swallowed.

Even knowing she would be chewed up and swallowed, she couldn’t escape or resist, only wait for the sharp cutlery to dig into her body and his filthy mouth to take her in.

And when it was over, Kashien, pleasantly full, would fall asleep with those brutal limbs entwined around her, while she, clutching her already broken body, would sink into a slow, drawn‑out dissolution over a long time.

Until the day she finally melted away completely, repeating it every day.

She felt as though her whole body stank. As though the stench had seeped deep into every corner of her being, impossible to wash away.

She had thought there was no shredded heart left inside her.

In truth, it was better that way.

It was better to be eaten without consciousness than to be devoured with her mind still intact.

What her newly revived heart returned to her was, after all, more misery and despair.

Her unfocused eyes, staring ahead, caught on the moonlight seeping through a gap in the curtains.

From beneath the miserable hours, a memory sunk to the bottom rose gently to the surface — a night sky.

“Would you marry me?”

That low, warm, but trembling voice rang out again.

And a breeze of some warm autumn day brushed past —

“I want to pledge my vow to Lady Arlene Lisiar del Rutherne.”

She remembered the small hand of a boy who hadn’t even become a knight apprentice yet, an orphan child.

“I’ll become a strong knight and protect you, my lady.”

I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve to hear such promises. So many had already died because of me; I shouldn’t let you die too. I should have sent you away, should have gotten you out of this dangerous place quickly.

And yet, knowing all that —

In moments like this, that voice was the only comfort she wanted to hold on to.

“I’m not okay, my lady.”

His voice from the day echoed in her head.

“When I woke up and learned you had gone to that bastard… I regretted over and over that I hadn’t died on the spot, that I hadn’t taken my own life when I was mortally wounded. If only I had died in that forest, you wouldn’t have…”

Azen’s low, locked‑down but steady voice continued.

“If it’s a choice between sacrificing you so I can survive, I’ll split open my own chest with my own hands.”

“Why say such horrible things. As if I’d ever want that…”

“I don’t want it either, my lady. I don’t want you to be hurt. I’d rather die than see that.”

He gently took her hand and placed it over his chest. She could feel the thud, thud of his heartbeat through her palm.

“My heart has been bound to you since long ago, from a time so far back you wouldn’t even remember. That’s before any oath or vow of loyalty. Whether the Order expels me, whether you break our oath, my heart is already yours.”

“…”

“You asked why I came to such a dangerous place. Because you’re here, I had to come. If you go to hell, I’ll go too.”

At some point he dropped to one knee, lowering his body to look up at her.

“From the beginning, you’ve been my whole world. Even as a child, I vowed to guard you to the very end.”

And, as he had done all the past ten years, he took her hand with the practiced courtesy of a knight and kissed it.

“Please. Don’t sacrifice yourself to save me. That would be the same as killing me. Please, do what you truly wish to do.”