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CHAPTER 87…………………………………
– Self-Despair
Leah bit her lip hard, fighting back tears. She knew all too well why Akkia was avoiding her.
He had lived his whole life as an imperial prince of misfortune, constantly threatened and never at peace—he didn’t want to add anything more precious to lose. She also knew that he felt deep guilt because she had been injured in his place.
“But still…”
Her tightly closed lips trembled.
“All I know are the little bits the duke told me.”
She knew that the Empress Dowager was behind the emperor… and that the emperor wasn’t of royal blood.
But beyond those fragments—mere puzzle pieces of Akkia’s past—Leah knew almost nothing.
What she truly wanted to know was not those facts, but what kind of pain he had suffered as a child, what he felt as he lived swallowing poison every day—his inner world.
“If only the duke had leaned on me a little more…”
She knew why he pushed her away—it was to protect her. But still, he never leaned on her, never relied on her.
That truth hurt Leah deeply.
Her vision blurred as she looked at Akkia. She loved him so much that her chest ached just thinking about him.
“But I don’t really know anything about you, do I?”
She could never forget the look in Akkia’s eyes when she awoke after the attack.
“The man’s wrist had a tattoo on it.”
“It looked like this. It was such a strange pattern.”
The duke had traced the drawing she made with a tense hand.
“Why? Do you recognize it, my lord?”
Then, something had flickered in his eyes—as if he had realized something dreadful.
Guilt. Burning rage. Deep loathing toward someone.
Leah had guessed that the incident was related to the emperor, but it was only a guess.
She wanted to ask what had happened, but the moment she saw the depthless hatred in his eyes, she couldn’t.
There was no place for her to step into. So she decided to wait—for him to tell her the truth himself one day.
She believed that if she waited, he would eventually come to understand her heart. But the price of that faith was the painful reality before her now.
A month, then two—time flowed endlessly, and Leah grew weary.
He had rushed to her side the instant he heard about the “Emperor’s proposal,” yet he never confided anything truly important to her.
They had spent countless nights together, sharing body and soul—or so she had thought.
“I thought I knew the duke better than anyone…”
But in truth, she knew nothing about him. The realization was unbearably bitter—humiliating.
“Why, my lord… why do you make me say things like this?”
“Leah…”
Tears welled in her eyes as she finally met his gaze.
“Am I not enough… as I am now?”
Akkia couldn’t answer. Looking back, he realized he had never told her what truly mattered.
He bit his lip. This wasn’t about trust.
At first, he’d hidden the truth to keep her safe. He wanted to protect that bright, sunlit smile of hers.
He was a man sunk deep in darkness, and he didn’t want to drag her into that mire.
From the moment he had saved Leah from the execution ground, his fate had changed. He wanted to finish his long quest and then keep her properly by his side—
In a place safer than any other. He had sworn to make her a woman every other woman envied.
“I was selfish.”
How lonely she must have felt, waiting endlessly for him, knowing nothing.
He clenched his teeth.
“I have to tell her.”
It was a secret he had never told anyone. But to Leah—whom he loved with all his heart—he could.
Just as he reached out toward the tears glimmering in her eyes—
“You’re cowardly… truly cowardly.”
—Smack!
Leah weakly knocked his hand away.
“Leah, I—”
“That’s enough. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
Seeing the pain reflected in her eyes, Akkia fell silent.
She turned away without a trace of hesitation and walked off. Akkia watched her go, his fists clenched tight.
❀ ❀ ❀
Leah sat in Edward’s laboratory, staring out the window.
Though she had come to work, she couldn’t focus on developing the cure—not with the emperor’s proposal looming over her.
“Am I really going to marry Edward?”
Dmitri had rejoiced at the idea, seeing it as a perfect opportunity. Every day, noble families and boutique madams came and went, spreading word of the impending marriage.
“Ha…”
She knew it was an impulsive decision—and yet, perhaps the best one.
And so, caught between both truths, she could only sink deeper into thought.
Edward approached her quietly.
“My lady, what are you thinking so deeply about?”
“Edward…”
She rose from her seat and looked at him.
“I was just… trying to organize my thoughts. Did something happen?”
“…”
“It’s about time you’d usually be speaking with the researchers, isn’t it?”
She glanced up at the midday sun. Usually, Edward spent the afternoon discussing the day’s work with the team.
She had assumed today would be the same—so his presence here puzzled her.
Edward watched her for a moment, then smiled softly.
“The weather’s too nice to stay cooped up in the lab. Don’t you think?”
Leah looked toward the window, then back at him as his gentle, slightly worried gaze met hers.
“Honestly, I’ve been wondering if I was too hasty, bringing up marriage like that. You can take all the time you need to get to know me.”
“So he’s been thinking about it too…”
He had decided on marriage just as suddenly as she had. It was only natural for him to have doubts. Leah nodded slightly.
“In that case, would you spend some time with me today?”
Leah’s eyes widened. He was asking her out—formally.
“There’s a play showing today. Shall we go, my lady?”
With a tender smile sweeter than any in the world, Edward held out his hand to her.
.
.
.
From their royal box, the stage was perfectly visible. Leah’s gaze flickered briefly toward the voice of the actress onstage.
“What? Execution?”
“The Grand Duke declared that all who caused public disorder in the city would be executed—but fortunately, the young nobleman was only banished to Mantova.”
“What?”
“My lady! Are you all right?”
A maid rushed to catch the collapsing heroine.
“Romeo and Juliet.”
One of the most beloved plays among noble ladies. Edward had clearly gone to great lengths to prepare the perfect outing—but Leah couldn’t focus on the performance.
Resting her chin on her hand, she watched absently.
“This scene must be…”
Romeo, enraged by his friend’s death, kills Juliet’s cousin Tybalt and is banished.
And then—because of that—he and Juliet are separated.
“Juliet is then forced to marry another noble, isn’t she?”
“Juliet, you will marry Count Paris. This Thursday.”
“Father!”
Juliet’s grief over her lover’s exile hadn’t even faded before she was forced into another marriage. Leah’s heart ached at the sight.
Watching the play, she saw too much of herself in Juliet and turned her head away.
Her eyes drifted to Edward beside her.
“I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Not when I’m with Edward.”
But no matter how she tried, Akkia’s image wouldn’t leave her mind.
That day—when she’d last faced him—he had grabbed her hand as she turned to leave.
“Why…?”
What had he wanted to say?
Overwhelmed, Leah had poured out all the words she had held back for so long. She would never forget the shock on his face.
She had hoped—just for a moment—that he was finally ready to open up.
“But of course… he said nothing.”
The thought of him intruded again, unbidden, until her eyes went unfocused.
Then—
“Are you all right?”
The soft, honeyed voice brought her back. She turned her head and found Edward gazing at her, concern in his eyes.
“You seem distracted.”
He leaned closer, reaching out to touch her forehead.
His warm hand startled her—and suddenly, another memory surfaced.
“You feel feverish.”
“Huh? I don’t think I have a fever…”
It was Akkia’s voice, from the rainy day when she had caught a cold searching for the sanjoin fruit.
His tone had been so flat, so emotionless—yet…
“Why can’t I…”
“…forget you?”
Edward’s gentle voice pulled her back again.
“I thought you might be unwell.”
Realizing how close they were, Leah quickly drew back.
“I… I’m fine.”
She forced a small smile.
And then the wave of self-despair washed over her.
