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Chapter 9
“He begged me to save him. That’s what he said. But I couldn’t save him. In the end, I couldn’t stop him from becoming food for the monsters. That was when it started. My symptoms gradually became worse after that.”
“…You must have suffered a great deal.”
At my words, Lucas stared directly at me.
Looking into his red eyes, I felt as though countless emotions were swirling within them.
“It’s only natural that I suffer. That suffering is the weight of responsibility someone like me—who survived alone—should bear.”
“……”
“But now I’m no longer sure. I don’t even know whether someone like me, who can’t properly carry that burden, deserves to stand where I am now.”
Frowning in pain, Lucas gently withdrew the hand I had been holding.
Then, after staring at the necklace for a moment, he slowly spoke again.
“Perhaps I wasn’t the one who should have survived there. Maybe I should have died alongside my family instead.”
Instead of feeling grateful for surviving, he lived carrying nothing but guilt.
It wasn’t his fault.
No—it wasn’t anyone’s fault.
Lucas had simply been swept up in a disaster far beyond his control.
So why did he have to bear all the suffering alone?
It was unfair.
I understood his pain, but I couldn’t agree with the idea that he deserved to live in agony forever.
“No.”
Maybe that was why I instinctively grabbed his left hand and denied his words.
“It’s not your fault, Your Grace. This wasn’t anyone’s fault. You were simply caught in something far too great for even you to handle.”
“……”
“I’m glad you survived. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here talking like this now.”
Carefully watching the trembling in his eyes, I quietly asked,
“What kind of people were your family?”
“They were all kind. Whenever someone else was struggling, they never hesitated to help.”
“Just hearing that tells me they were wonderful people. But do you truly think people like that would resent you simply because you survived alone?”
At those words, Lucas fell silent.
As I gently stroked his hand, I continued in the calmest voice I could manage.
“Wouldn’t they instead be relieved that you survived and hope that you continue living your life?”
“……”
“Hoping that you would extend the helping hand they were never able to give.”
Ah. I made a mistake.
Suddenly coming to my senses, I realized I had spoken too much from my own perspective.
Counseling was supposed to focus more on listening than speaking.
Understanding what emotions the other person felt, what experiences they went through, and what pain those experiences caused them.
Acknowledging that pain, helping them understand themselves through counseling, and gradually guiding them toward healing—that was the process I knew.
But just now, I felt as though I had pushed my own opinions onto him too strongly.
“Um, Your Grace…”
Acting as though I understood everything could have hurt Lucas instead.
Worried, I called out to apologize for what I’d said earlier—
“That may be true.”
For the first time, Lucas gave a gentle smile and nodded.
The trembling I had felt through his hand was now gone.
Seeing his condition improve faster than expected filled me with relief.
Thank goodness.
And now that I knew for certain he was suffering from trauma, my heart felt heavy.
Of course I know how trauma treatment works, but…
In cases like this, the most important thing was helping him recognize that he was safe now.
For an ordinary person with another profession, the stabilization stage might have been easier.
But Lucas’s position meant he would inevitably continue being exposed to environments similar to the source of his trauma.
“Your Grace, is there any chance you’ll be sent to subjugate monsters again in the near future?”
“If there are reports of monsters nearby, I’ll leave immediately. But for now, there are no major campaigns planned.”
That was at least a relief.
After hesitating briefly, I finally spoke.
“Your Grace, I know this may sound strange. But I know a way for you to get better.”
“What should I do?”
“You need to slowly practice letting go of your guilt. And accept that the event tormenting you belongs to the past now.”
Lucas looked utterly confused, but I continued anyway.
“When you feel calm or relatively stable, try to pay close attention to those moments. Remember what emotions you felt and what kind of situation you were in.”
“……”
“Then, whenever anxiety returns or your symptoms begin again, think back to those moments.”
“……”
“The best thing you can do is maintain a calm state and breathe deeply and slowly. If another frightening situation arises, doing that may help a little.”
“I’ll remember that.”
If things improved even a little this way, that would be good.
But there was still a much bigger problem.
The stabilization phase was only the first step in treating trauma.
After that, recovery required ongoing counseling and therapy.
Yet within the Empire, there wasn’t a single place that treated mental illness.
What am I supposed to do after this?
Just as I was lost in thought, footsteps echoed from the distance.
“My lady!”
Seeing Belle and Corner running into the alley, I slowly stood up.
Lucas beside me also pushed himself up using the wall for support.
“You have my gratitude for your help. I’ll be sure to repay this debt someday.”
“It’s nothing.”
Even as he thanked me, something still felt unresolved deep inside me.
Maybe because I had already decided I wanted to help him once, I found myself wanting to do even more.
If only I could provide proper counseling.
Thinking that, I turned to face the approaching Belle and Corner.
* * *
“I wonder if he’ll really be okay…”
Lucas’s suffering expression lingered vividly in my mind.
“I’m sure he’ll be fine. You helped him last time too, didn’t you, my lady?”
“How do you know that, Belle?!”
“I followed you into the alley and saw part of it. He looked sick like that back then too, so I remembered.”
What was I supposed to do now?
Didn’t this mean I had failed to keep my promise to Lucas?
Just as I frowned in frustration, Belle suddenly clapped her hands together.
“To think that you would sincerely try to help someone like this. You really are kind and warm-hearted, my lady. Just like the young lady I saw when I was little.”
“Hm?”
“Don’t you remember?”
When I shook my head, unable to remember, Belle smiled faintly.
“That’s understandable. You were very young back then. But I still remember clearly what you said to me when I was wandering the streets after losing my parents.”
Belle wore a nostalgic expression, as though recalling the past.
Before coming here, Belle had lost her parents to illness and hated talking about her past.
For her to bring it up first now, it must have been a deeply meaningful memory.
No matter how hard I tried to recall it, though, I couldn’t remember anything.
Come to think of it, when did Belle start working in our house?
Having Belle beside me had always felt so natural that I’d never questioned it.
Now that I thought about it, she probably hadn’t been at the estate when I was younger.
“I still remember it vividly. You were out visiting the festival with your mother when you bumped into me on the street and asked why I was dressed so lightly in the middle of winter.”
“D-Did I really?”
“At the time, I hated you. I was convinced a noble young lady born into privilege could never understand my situation and was asking so casually because she’d never experienced hardship herself.”
Belle lowered her head with a bitter smile.
“I told you then that spoiled nobles didn’t need to know anything.”
“My goodness. You said that, Belle?”
That timid girl who always remained polite even when I behaved terribly after the Baroness died?
“Maybe it’s better that you don’t remember. I’m so ashamed of what I said that I wish I could erase it from my past. Anyway, when I said that, you didn’t get angry at all. You answered calmly instead.”
“…What did I say?”
“You said I was right. That you were fortunate and happy, so you didn’t understand my circumstances—so you asked me to tell you.”
Clatter, clatter.
The carriage shook violently as it rolled over a hill.
But Belle paid no attention and continued speaking.
“After hearing that, I finally lost control and poured out everything I’d been bottling up inside. Even when I yelled in anger, even when I eventually burst into tears, you quietly listened to everything I said. And after listening to it all, you held my hand and said this.”
Smiling wistfully as if reliving that moment, Belle continued,
“That my parents’ deaths weren’t my fault. And that I’d worked so hard enduring everything alone.”
