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Chapter : 66
Holding One’s Breath
“Don’t go off on your own…”
“Don’t make me hear that you died alone somewhere I wasn’t.”
Benjamin had not forgotten the knights who had died on the subjugation front.
“Why would I die?”
“Soldiers who step onto the subjugation front live close to death.”
“I’m not a mercenary or a knight.”
“You’re holding a sword. Even when I told you not to grip the hilt, you still did.”
Benjamin wrapped Charles’s hand in his.
“You swung the blade until your grip was torn to shreds.”
“……”
“I know you, Charles.”
When it’s time to let something go,
You’ll let go of yourself first.
“The subjugation front is closest to death. And because I’ve witnessed many deaths, I know.”
He knew because he remembered those who died there.
“You resemble them.”
“In what way?”
“I’ll never tell you.”
“…Why?”
“Because the moment I say it out loud, you’ll become aware of yourself. And you’ll stubbornly walk the path I told you not to.”
That the thing you can let go of most easily is yourself—
He hoped you would never realize that.
“Were you worried?”
“Is that even a question?”
“I knew the subjugation front was dangerous. I never took it lightly.”
“……”
“It was just… like my vision was muffled, as if covered in ink.”
Charlophe whispered softly.
“It felt like being buried underwater—dazed.”
“Are you alright?”
“I’m still a little dazed.”
Benjamin pressed a hand to Charles’s forehead.
“You’ve got a slight fever. After forcing your way through the night of Poputa, it would be greedy to expect your body to be fine.”
“It’s a bit hot.”
“Even when people beg you at your side to take care of yourself, the owner of the body doesn’t seem to care about his own safety.”
Charlophe awkwardly scratched his cheek. Benjamin flicked that cheek lightly with his fingertip.
“You said you wanted an easy path, yet you only choose to walk through thorns. That’s why I worry.”
Charlophe cupped Benjamin’s cheek. It was cold.
“Don’t worry.”
“I am worried.”
“I’ll be careful.”
“If you’d been careful before stepping onto the subjugation front, I’d be less worried.”
Charlophe leaned in and pressed a brief kiss to his lips.
Tap—
As if nibbling away his breath, he held Benjamin’s lower lip. He reached out with both arms, feeling him. His jawline was thick and firm.
His skin was rough, weathered by dust and wind from the subjugation front. As Charlophe traced it, he whispered shallowly.
“Your skin is rough.”
“I’ve just returned from the front.”
Benjamin trailed off, flustered by the sudden kiss.
“Mm.”
Without a word, Benjamin wrapped his arms around Charles’s waist.
Charlophe, who had been sitting before the vanity, swallowed a sharp breath.
His feet lifted from the ground with a floating sensation.
Charlophe wrapped his legs around Benjamin’s waist.
Benjamin carried him to the bed. The bed shifted softly.
Instead of long words, they explored each other. Benjamin pressed his lips to Charles’s collarbone. A wave of heat rushed in.
Hot.
No—his body was hot.
The dazed body gradually began to boil, like water reaching its boiling point.
His throat trembled, and a sob-tinged sigh spilled out.
Tremble.
His eyelids fluttered.
“…At first.”
“What?”
“My breathing felt blocked. Like my breath filled all the way up to my throat. It felt like my body was submerged halfway underwater. I was suffocating, my vision dulling, even losing awareness of whether I was breathing at all… and then I thought of you.”
You, who had gone to the subjugation front and taken up a sword.
“I felt like I had to come here.”
“……”
“I needed to be by your side.”
It felt like I could hide behind you.
“I needed to hide beside you.”
“……”
“Because I felt like I could breathe again. Like you would pull me out of the water where I was buried.”
As if his eyelids were heavy, his frail body kept drifting in and out of sleep.
“Are you sleepy?”
“My body’s tired.”
“Charles.”
“Stay by my side.”
Charlophe slipped into a shallow sleep.
This was weariness.
‘I’m tired now.’
‘I’m exhausted.’
‘Please let go of me.’
Like inflammation eating away at skin, life itself had grown inflamed.
Everything was over.
I split my bones and flesh and ended everything.
My death is an end and a freedom,
And oblivion is my consideration, my plea for you to forget me.
Don’t wake me.
This eternal sleep is my rest.
Forget everything.
Forget and live on. Oblivion is my final gift to you—
No.
It is my final plea for myself.
“Those who grip a sword live hard lives. That’s the fate of swordsmen.”
Fedlin approached, limping.
Outside, dark clouds blurred the view, as if fog had settled thickly before the eyes.
Considering the distance between the count’s estate and the subjugation front,
The front must now be in even worse shape, filled with poisonous mist from the corpses of dead monsters.
“This old man’s back feels like it’s about to bend.”
“Even though they say you could put down the sword and retire.”
“When a veteran dies, it’s atop the enemies’ graves. This old man’s life, spent fighting on the subjugation front, was harsh from the start. There’s no death more righteous than dying together with those bastards.”
Fedlin pressed his throbbing arm. Phantom pain occupied the place where his arm had been severed. Even without the arm, pain sometimes flared as if the monsters were still chewing at it.
“What do you think?”
“About what?”
“The sense of dissonance… I think even those nearby are starting to feel it.”
The words of the Second Knight Order were not mere excuses.
“Do not leave him to exist alone.”
Do not let eyes filled with depression be left staring into empty space alone.
That heavy gloom had rooted itself deep in the bones, gnawing away at the body.
“I think I understand why you were at a loss for words.”
“Leave him be.”
“There’s no reason for this old man to provoke him, so don’t worry.”
Benjamin recalled Charlophe, whom he had saved the night before.
“…Every time I see him, he doesn’t seem like someone who just picked up a sword.”
“He’s been a little strange from the start.”
Fedlin thought of the Empress.
“He doesn’t protect his own body, only focuses on killing the enemy. It’s like a desperate struggle to kill as many as possible after realizing death. Remember this—this is his nature.”
“Nature?”
“He was born that way. People like him tend to be self-sacrificing.”
“Indeed. He’d sacrifice himself first.”
When it’s time to let something go,
The Empress would let go of herself first.
“Did you expect this?”
“That’s the life of swordsmen. If I said I didn’t expect today when I first placed the sword hilt in his hands, I’d be lying.”
Fedlin did not regret his decision.
A sword was both a weapon to cut down enemies and armor to protect oneself.
“The more means one has to protect oneself, the better.”
Protecting oneself is better than dying meaninglessly before death.
“You needn’t feel guilty.”
“If there’s any change on the subjugation front, report it immediately.”
Fedlin placed his left arm over his chest and bowed.
“I obey the imperial command.”
Draping his outer garment over his shoulders, Fedlin radiated an unyielding spirit, making it hard to notice the emptiness where his arm should have been.
Even after losing an arm, Fedlin gripped the sword hilt more fiercely to lead the mercenary band.
To kill the monsters that had slain his children and grandchildren, pile their graves high,
And die there together—
That was Fedlin’s final death.
“What should I do with you?”
Benjamin sat quietly by Charlophe’s side.
“Why are you crying again?”
Even in sleep, Charlophe kept crying, as if something deeply saddened him.
“Crying while holding your breath.”
“……”
“Your trembling—it’s like a child.”
Benjamin brushed Charlophe’s cheek. His hand, wiping away tears, became wet with drop after drop.
“Don’t cry.”
I won’t just leave you to cry like this.
Morning came. Unlike the previous day shrouded in mist, the rain had washed away the dust, leaving the sky clear.
Charlophe slowly blinked awake. His eyelids fluttered.
The furniture was unfamiliar. A rough wall, a fireplace crackling softly.
The window was wide open. Sunlight poured in where the curtains failed to block it.
‘Is it morning?’
Throwing off the blanket, Charlophe stepped onto the carpet.
The soft texture beneath his bare feet made his body curl slightly.
“Your Majesty, have you awakened?”
Charlophe blinked.
“Your Majesty?”
Far away, a magnificent fortress wall stretched across his view. Backlit, it looked imposing even from a distance, its grandeur speaking of Poputa’s long defense of the subjugation front. The wall extended far, protecting the territory.
A single flag fluttered. The family crest—a sword embedded in a valiant shield—was the symbol of Poputa.
This place, called the “White Estate,” looked like a massive military facility. With its white fences resembling ramparts, it was also called the “White Castle.”
“Come in.”
“I’ve brought water for washing.”
Maidservants of the estate moved busily outside.
“You were sweating heavily. We were about to call the physician, but you soon stabilized, so we let you rest.”
“My body feels refreshed.”
“If you feel any discomfort, please let us know.”
“I’m fine now.”
When Charlophe glanced around the empty space, a maid explained.
“His Majesty the Emperor has stepped out for a meeting with the subjugation forces. He asked us to make sure you eat once you wake up fully.”
Charlophe gently shook his head.
“A light stew will be enough.”
“If your stomach feels heavy, I’ll inform the kitchen to prepare something easy to digest.”
Soon, a seafood stew was brought in. Plump shrimp tasted clean and mild. Finely chopped abalone added a pleasant texture.
The seasoning was gentle, enhancing the umami without being overpowering. As Charlophe ate, he tilted his head toward the window.
“What are you looking at?”
“There are many mercenaries outside.”
“Poputa has frequent monster appearances, so there are many mercenaries.”
Without monsters, Poputa might have grown larger—but because of them, it became a mercenary city.
“There’s no sea fog today. On days when it’s thick, even the fortress walls disappear behind it.”
“There’s a distinct salty sea smell.”
“The weather is clear, so you should be able to see beyond the walls. After you finish eating, you might like to go up to the spire. From the top, the coastal cliffs and shoreline are clearly visible. On a day like today, you can even see beyond the horizon.”
Later,
Charlophe went to the spire.
He climbed the stairs one level at a time.
The view grew higher.
At the top, where the stairs ended, Charlophe stopped and looked down.
Mercenaries in armor moved busily below. Those without helmets smacked their comrades on the back with a loud thud.
Among them, Fedlin blended in easily. Soon, comrades gathered around him. Their iron armor caught the backlight.
Fedlin noticed Charlophe and bowed his head deeply.
“Your Majesty?”
Charlophe slowly closed his eyes.
The vast coastline stretched endlessly.
For some reason,
It felt like tears were rising in his throat.
