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Chapter 71
Ruined.
The only thought in my head was that my life was ruined.
I knew—at least in my head—that I shouldn’t be like this, that I had to calm down Pession. But all my mind could focus on right now was the undeniable fact that everything was utterly ruined.
Very, extremely, completely, entirely, absolutely, thoroughly ruined.
And the fact that, in this moment, all I could think was “ruined”—I wanted to yell at myself to get it together, but no matter what, despair and the thought that I was ruined kept flooding in.
“Arelin?”
I wanted to cry.
No, I wanted to run away.
No, I just wanted to disappear.
Even though my mind was drifting through the void of space, my body was still here in the present—and Pession was still standing in front of me.
That was the most maddening part.
My breathing grew irregular, hyperventilation was setting in. Heat rushed to my face, and my cheeks flushed bright red.
“Arelin, what’s wrong?”
Everything I had always taken for granted now struck me as strange, overwhelming stimuli.
His pretty fluttering eyelashes, those clear eyes fixed solely on me, even the subtle fragrance that clung to him.
The vivid realization—so undeniable that it was impossible to refute—crushed me with despair.
That I… liked Pession.
Damn it. That can’t be true.
No, of course I like him. But it’s only because he likes me first, so I like him back—a kind of humane, humanistic fondness.
Yes, that’s it. That’s what it must be.
No one else had ever liked me that much. I had never received such affection before. So naturally, I…
No, stop.
Those are just excuses. Utter nonsense.
I wanted to grab my head and crouch down in despair. Luckily, Pession held onto me, so I didn’t collapse pathetically to the floor.
My mind felt blank, my ears rang, my sense of reality floated away.
This is absurd.
There are so many people here, and yet I can only see Pession? How does that make sense?
“Arelin, are you really sick?”
“No, I’m fine, just stay still.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“I’ll be fine if you just stay still.”
When did this start? Since when?
The very feeling of liking someone was so foreign, so unfamiliar, that even when I tried to think it through, I couldn’t figure it out.
For so long, my life had been dominated by my mother. There was never room for anyone else—not even when she abandoned me and left.
Even now, after reincarnating and regaining the memories of my past life. Honestly, I still haven’t escaped her shadow.
I’m still frozen in that time, still longing, loving, missing, and desperately wanting to be loved back.
Maybe I’ll never escape.
But this…
This is completely different.
Liking someone? Impossible. A lie. Really? Me, liking Pession? Da—damn it. How does that even make sense?
The strange turmoil left me shaken, and I couldn’t calm myself down.
Why can’t I stay composed? Why can’t I calm down? Why? How?
The erratic pounding of my heart felt alien.
It didn’t feel like me.
I felt like I had regressed into a child, and tears threatened to spill.
“Ah.”
Pession seemed just as confused. His expression hardened more and more as he looked at me.
“Arelin. Look at me.”
Look at you? Look at what, you bastard.
Pession thought something was wrong with Arelin.
Was it because of what had just happened?
He recalled the nobles who had thrown veiled insults at Arelin, and bit his lip in fury, before refocusing on her.
“Hm? Arelin. Look at me.”
This wasn’t like her. Her eyes trembled too much as she looked at him.
Usually, unless she was training, Arelin’s emotions never spiked—her tone and expression were always even, bland. This was the first time he’d ever seen her this shaken.
‘Is it because of Duke Halbern?’
Since he’s her real father, maybe Arelin couldn’t help reacting like this. Even so, the thought left Pession with a bitter taste, his brows knitting.
And in that moment, when her eyes filled with unshed tears, shining beautifully, Pession found himself momentarily spellbound.
Complicated emotions flickered and vanished from her gem-like eyes before her focus returned.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine at all.”
“No, I really am.”
Arelin muttered, hiding her reddened face. Pession’s expression froze.
It felt like she’d been trying to push him away since earlier, and that twisted his mood.
‘No. I can’t be like this.’
I have to be good. Otherwise, she might hate me.
Pession already understood that, when it came to Arelin, he was the weaker one. So he tried as hard as possible to act harmless, obedient.
The more impatient he got, the thinner his patience stretched. Sometimes he felt like he might lose his mind. But it was still fine. For now.
“Ah.”
He caught Arelin as she swayed, pale as if about to faint. His patience felt like it was drying up to nothing.
Should he call the royal physician immediately? Or tell her to go home and rest?
His head was in chaos, but one clear thought remained: he didn’t want to let go of her hand.
He wanted to be with her.
He had barely endured a week just to see her again—he didn’t want to part now.
Not like this. Not in this situation.
“……Why do you look like that?”
“What do you mean?”
Arelin looked like she was on the verge of tears, like she wanted to run away—and yet she still couldn’t let go of him. Not realizing that it was driving Pession insane.
‘Why is she doing this?’
Pession regretted his decision.
On days like today, with lots of outsiders, attention would naturally focus on them. That’s why he’d kept some distance. If he’d known this would happen, he should’ve stayed at her side.
He just didn’t like all the attention turning toward her.
It was unpleasant.
He wanted her to look only at him.
To know only him, to belong only to him.
That was something the old crown prince—who used to say “sharing is good” and would gladly divide what he had with others—would never have thought.
Ever since Arelin had started attending the gatherings again, Pession’s mood had been off.
He liked spending more time with her, yes—but he hated that other people were around. It was a new, unsettling emotion he’d never felt before. Irritation.
He didn’t like that their private time together kept shrinking, or that she was making new friends—even Harun, even those twin boys.
And Arelin, oblivious, just let herself get pulled around by others…
‘And all of them are boys, too!’
He had held back, afraid of making her dislike him, but his resentment and unease had been piling up day by day.
And today, Sirua’s behavior ignited the flames of his possessiveness.
Arelin had thought Halbern’s table was quiet simply because she had no friends. But that wasn’t the real reason.
The truth was, people who had wanted to use their children to approach Duke Mehen had backed off every time they met Pession’s icy glare.
No one dared risk falling out of favor with the crown prince.
“Your Highness, many eyes are on you,” Griam murmured, reminding him of his position.
“Pession, I’m fine now,” Arelin said with a faint smile, just to reassure him.
For the first time, Pession hated being crown prince.
“Your Highness.”
He regretted not stepping in earlier when Arelin was insulted over a fault that wasn’t even hers.
At the same time, his heart blazed with hatred for Duke Halbern, who had overturned the whole situation just by appearing.
“Your Highness, you must return to your seat.”
He could feel Sirua’s curious gaze. In the end, it seemed he had failed to shield Arelin from him.
He also sensed the interested gaze of Duke Sperom, and many others who didn’t speak but covertly watched.
And yet, Pession fixed his eyes only on one pair of eyes.
If only those eyes would look only at me forever.
“…I’ll come find you.”
Forcing himself, Pession let go of her hand and dragged his unwilling feet away.
Truly—he didn’t want to leave.
