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Chapter: 04
Despair (2)
2023.10.04.
Ian. Ian was a prince. And he was Sesenia’s only friend. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say they had spent nearly every moment of their lives together. As they grew up, everyone naturally assumed the two would become lovers and eventually marry.
However, when Sesenia became engaged to the Crown Prince, their relationship could not progress beyond friendship.
Even so, she kept Ian by her side because he cared for her more than anyone else. He gave her sincere advice. He was always on her side.
Even when her older sister—who believed in free love—caused trouble, and when Sesenia had to inherit the family and simultaneously fulfill the duties of an Empress because of that sister, Ian was the one who criticized Elzer and their father.
And now, that Ian claimed he loved her sister.
Sesnia could only feel dumbfounded.
“Love. Fine, sure. I can understand acting like this over such a shallow emotion… But what about you, Ian? Are you really okay with this? My sister slept with my husband. How can you love a woman like that?”
“That’s exactly why you’re stupid. Someone as boring as you wouldn’t understand. True love.”
“So I’m a fool because I don’t understand love?”
“Exactly.”
Sesnia barely held back a laugh at the absurdity. This was madness. Yet Ian wore an almost ecstatic expression, as if he were deeply intoxicated by love.
“My lady is always shining. Unlike you, who are nothing but gloomy.”
“That woman who sleeps with every man she can and even stole her sister’s husband… is different from me?”
“Yes.”
“…Love really is something foolish and idiotic. A woman who even bore my husband’s child… If that’s love, then love is something that should never be done.”
A love that discards even basic morality—it was disgusting. Revolting enough to make her stomach churn.
Meanwhile, Ian began blaming Sesenia.
“This is all your fault.”
“Now it’s my fault?”
“If you hadn’t been so greedy, none of this would have happened.”
“Greedy? What exactly was I greedy for?”
She was so stunned she couldn’t even speak. She had never once been greedy in her life. She had lived exactly as her father wanted, as a substitute for her sister. She took on everything her sister refused to do. And yet—greed?
“Tell me, Ian. You’ve been the closest to me all this time—how can you say that? What was I greedy for? Was it wrong for me to inherit the family in place of my sister, who threw tantrums saying she didn’t want it? Was it wrong for me to marry the reckless Crown Prince and become Empress because my sister refused, saying he would never become Emperor?”
She had believed he was on her side.
Until she saw him today, she thought there must be some reason—that he would never abandon her.
Even until the very last moment, Sesenia believed in her friend. This betrayal hurt more than the wounds from her unfaithful husband, more than the betrayal of her sister who slept with him.
Because to Sesenia, Ian was not just a friend—he was the only person she trusted.
‘The real fool… was me.’
She had never understood how people who cheated could justify themselves, acting as if they were in some grand, beautiful romance.
Even now, she still didn’t understand.
Perhaps it was because she had never experienced passionate love—but to her, love was the worst thing. Something that caused others pain for the sake of one’s own feelings. Neither beautiful nor romantic.
Sesenia let out a faint, bitter laugh.
“Tell me, Ian. Why can’t you say anything? Or is it because you have nothing to say? You know I was never greedy. And love? It can’t even be fulfilled anyway. So what are you going to do now? Don’t get any foolish ideas—”
That was when it happened.
No matter what she said, he seemed completely unaffected. Instead, he clicked his tongue at her.
“Looks like you’re desperately clinging to life.”
“….”
“Love will come true someday. If I stay by her side and take care of her, she’ll notice me eventually. That’s why I’m enduring everything right now. My brother’s womanizing is already well-known—eventually, she’ll be left alone.”
“And if she is? What changes?”
“When people are lonely, they naturally look at the person beside them. In the end, she’ll come to me. And I’ll become Emperor—for her.”
“…What a devoted lover you are.”
The fact that he had hidden those feelings while standing by her side, doing things that benefited Elzer, made her skin crawl.
“Thanks for letting yourself be used. Because of you, I got closer to her.”
“…Ha…”
If her sister had used her out of desire, it might have been easier to accept. But her friend—her longtime friend, someone she had even discussed marriage with—this was something she could not understand.
“…Why… did I trust you?”
“Because you’re stupid.”
“Yeah. I must be an utter idiot. Falling for something so obvious.”
Just then—
“Sesenia. My lovely little sister.”
The sound of clicking heels announced someone’s arrival.
“Elzer…”
In her arms was a very small child.
“You’re dying tomorrow, aren’t you? Shouldn’t you see your niece before you go? Oh—no, not your niece… maybe your husband’s child? What should my baby call you?”
Watching Elzer smirk, Sesnia felt her blood run cold.
“…Is that something you should be saying to me?”
“Of course it is. I mean… you should’ve known your place. Even if you’re Empress, why act so viciously?”
“Vicious? I… I spared your life and sent you away instead of killing you… If I had done it, at least it wouldn’t feel so unfair!!”
“Exactly. You didn’t do anything. That’s why you should’ve killed me. Acting like some great saint and sending me away—how foolish.”
“…Were you ever… truly sorry to me? When you said you were sorry… did you mean it?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Did you really think I was sorry?”
Sesenia trembled violently.
“…What?”
“I approached the Emperor on purpose. You know? After giving him to you, it felt like a waste. That was supposed to be my place… it felt like you stole it from me. So I did it.”
“…It was intentional…? How… how could you all do this to me…? How could family… how could a friend…!”
“Sesenia.”
At that moment, Elzer handed her child to Ian and stepped closer.
Then she gently stroked Sesenia’s hand, which was bound to the bars.
“I’ll make good use of the family you worked so hard for. And the position of Empress. Thank you.”
“……”
“You did well, my dear sister.”
“…Was that all you wanted so badly?”
“Yes. As a mere woman, how dare you try to take everything? The family was originally mine. But just because you did a little well, Father handed everything over to you. I hated it. So I just took back what was mine.”
Sesenia shook her head slowly.
“For something so trivial…?”
“Trivial? It’s a very big reason, dear sister. Having something taken from you feels filthy. You should’ve known your place. Everyone used to praise me more than you—said I was prettier, smarter. But then suddenly, they all started praising you. The whole empire was talking about you—calling you a ‘new woman.’ It was laughable. Sitting in the place you stole from me and acting proud… I hated it.”
Sesenia couldn’t respond. The betrayal had paralyzed her.
But the hand that Elzer had used to stroke hers felt… strange.
“Ah…”
“So… stop talking nonsense and die quietly.”
Her body began to stiffen.
Her mind was clear, but her body collapsed to the ground without any response. She couldn’t move—but the pain remained.
“Ah… wh… what… did… you… do…”
“I didn’t want to hear your nonsense before you die tomorrow. So… I found a certain herb and gave you some poison. You probably won’t be able to speak until you die. Well then, goodbye. I’ll live well with everything you built. Farewell.”
As if to mock her, Elzer even took the baby’s hand and waved it at her.
Sesenia wanted to speak—wanted to ask more—but her body wouldn’t respond.
‘How ridiculous… What was I hoping for?’
What had she truly wanted?
‘Was it even a sliver of affection?’
Capable Sesenia. Intelligent Sesenia. But no matter how hard she tried, she never received her family’s love.
‘I just… wanted to hear that I did well.’
They say that when death approaches, your life flashes before your eyes.
Though it wasn’t yet her moment of death, memories flooded her mind.
All the struggles, all the effort to endure—she couldn’t understand why.
But now, at the very end, she realized.
She had only wanted a single word of praise. A word that would let her exist as herself.
That was why she struggled so desperately.
Unlike her sister, who was loved effortlessly, Sesnia had always felt like an impurity.
People whispered that she might not even be the true daughter of the Marquis, as she resembled neither her father nor her sister.
And as if to prove it, her father treated her only in a businesslike manner.
‘All that struggle… was just… because I wanted to be acknowledged.’
Even as her body became paralyzed, tears streamed down her face.
Anger. Hatred.
And relief—that she no longer had to continue such a futile struggle.
As time drifted on, Sesenia recalled one secret of her family.
