IAYA 50

chapter 50

I tried to open a book in the study to study about the medicine, but I kept pausing my pen and sitting blankly, lost in thought.

Lately, I had felt drowsy all day.

It was as if I were dreaming, floating above the clouds, with a light, unreal feeling. Sometimes, I would lose focus just like this.

─ “I like you. My lady.”

It had been like this since the day Teansis confessed to me.

To think that he confessed his love to me—it was something I had only ever seen in dreams, never imagined happening in real life.

It would be a lie to say I wasn’t happy, but more than that, I felt I had to keep my wits about me.

‘How could I… stand by the Duke’s side?’

Teansis had said that my status, identity, or age didn’t matter, but in reality, it was impossible.

If I accepted his confession, what would come next?

Maybe it was too soon to think ahead, but I couldn’t envision any future for the two of us.

I was a baron’s daughter, the lowest among the nobility. Moreover, I had lost both my parents and was on the brink of losing even that.

If I lost the semblance of nobility, I would be a commoner. A commoner like me could never fit beside Teansis, one of the empire’s most prominent figures.

On top of that, I was over ten years older than Teansis. I could still vividly recall the neighborhood kids calling me “auntie.”

Even beyond status and wealth, my actual age was likely much older than what he might have guessed from my appearance.

‘If the Duke learns about my reality, he’ll think differently of me.’

Even thinking about how to explain myself if Teansis eventually found out all the truth and blamed me made me tongue-tied.

No matter what others might say or do, I didn’t want Teansis to judge me…

The reality in front of me was far different from the vague dreams in my head.

Life was not a fairy tale with a guaranteed happy ending. The bright future I imagined with Teansis didn’t match the life I had lived.

I wanted to throw everything aside and indulge in sweet dreams, but I knew all too well that people could only be compatible when on equal footing.

I had seen countless women, even those from good families, who married well for their looks only to end up abandoned or suffering.

I didn’t think Teansis would do that, but no matter how I thought about it, there were too many things I couldn’t handle.

Even though I didn’t want to admit it, we were simply not a good match.

‘In any case, there’s only one answer…’

From the start, Teansis and I were a relationship that could never work.

Knowing that better than anyone else, I still couldn’t stop my heart from racing.

Thump, thump, thump.

It felt as if my heart ignored all my rational thoughts.

─ “So if you keep looking at me like that and try to run away… I’ll just want to hold you even more.”

The memory of Teansis’s lips brushing mine made me unconsciously touch my lower lip. Just recalling it made my head feel hot.

Lost in such thoughts, I suddenly heard Marlen’s faint voice.

“…Miss, my lady?”

“Ah!”

I realized Marlen had entered late and turned to face her. She looked at me with a puzzled expression.

“What are you thinking about so seriously? I was worried because you didn’t respond when I called from outside.”

“Oh, no. It’s nothing.”

I reflected on just how lost in thought I had been.

“What is it?”

“It’s time for tea, so I brought it.”

Only then did I notice the tray Marlen was holding, with tea brewed using Kalsin that Jer had given me.

Jer had instructed me to drink it three times a day, so I had been diligent about it ever since. I hadn’t noticed any effects yet, so I wasn’t sure if it was helping.

“Thank you. Leave it there, I’ll drink it later.”

Even at my words, Marlen just stood there, looking troubled.

When I stared at her in confusion, she spoke apologetically.

“Well… Nick specifically told me to make sure to check that you actually drink it. He said it was under the Marquis’s orders…”

Marlen didn’t finish her sentence, but I understood perfectly what she meant.

Whether it was truly Jer’s order or Nick meddling in the middle, I couldn’t refuse.

I hadn’t realized before, drinking tea brought by a maid, but in this situation, I was suddenly aware of my position.

Even wearing elegant dresses and jewelry, I was still a lonely girl with nothing to rely on.

I forced a wry smile and took the teacup.

The tea was freshly brewed and hot, but I drank it all at once. My palate burned slightly, but I wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible.

“Miss, please drink slowly.”

Marlen watched me with concern, but I finished the tea in an instant and showed her the empty cup.

“Done now?”

“Yes. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

A vague sense of sadness surfaced, but it wasn’t Marlen’s fault. Knowing that, I didn’t want to take it out on her.

Yet Marlen seemed hesitant to leave, placing the empty cup back on the tray, lingering in the study.

“Miss, is there anything I can help you with?”

“Why all of a sudden? Nothing comes to mind right now…”

“I just wondered if I could help in any way… Ah! I changed the curtains and blankets in the Marquis’s room as you instructed last time.”

“Oh, I see.”

Since the Predov Marquisate lacked a lady of the house, some tasks weren’t handled smoothly.

It was a matter of overall management: tending the garden each season, changing curtains and bedding, and so on. It wasn’t huge, but it mattered.

Jer was indifferent to such things, so the estate had been neglected. Somehow, I had become the sole lady of the Predov Marquisate, and everyone turned to me for guidance.

Compared to managing the Ferrington estate alone in the past, it wasn’t difficult, especially since I could just give orders.

More than anything, seeing many details that annoyed me, I felt some satisfaction in managing the estate.

“The professor seems to wear the same clothes often… It might be good to bring a few more outfits from the Predov estate.”

“Oh, I’ll make sure to contact the estate about that.”

“Also, double-check with the gardener if they can set things up as I instructed.”

“Yes! We’re so glad you’re here, Miss. Before, no one gave us instructions, and we were so flustered.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“Even if it’s not urgent, please call us whenever you have something to assign!”

Marlen pounded her chest with an innocent smile, as if asking me to trust her. I nodded faintly, smiling slightly.

Although my position in the Predov Marquisate was practically meaningless, I didn’t dislike this relationship with the maids. Perhaps it reminded me of the maids from Ferrington estate.

“If you need a snack while studying, just call me. I’ll leave now so as not to disturb you.”

“All right.”

Marlen bowed deeply and left the study.

Alone again, I turned back to my books. I had worked hard to create an environment where I could study freely. This time, I would give it my all without regret.

Whenever I focused on studying, the burn on my palate reminded me of the impossible nature of desiring Teansis.

─ “…Belia. Don’t cry.”

Teansis’s words suddenly came to mind. I wasn’t crying, but recalling them made my chest ache.

‘I won’t cry.’

Life had always been difficult.

It had never gone the way I wanted.

So even if I resented my inability to stand beside Teansis… I wouldn’t shed a tear.

For the first time in a while, I had dinner with Jer.

It was my first time having him in my room, so I felt slightly nervous, but since we were considered family, the maids didn’t pay any attention.

As we ate quietly, the only sound was the clinking of dishes.

“You’re drinking the tea I gave you properly, right?”

The sudden question made my hand holding a fork pause. But I answered calmly.

“Yes. Three times a day, as instructed.”

Normally, the conversation would end there, but I suddenly wondered—was it really Jer who ordered the maids to check if I drank the tea?

“You had the maids check even whether I drank it, right? Didn’t you see it?”

Jer’s gray eyes flickered for a moment, but I couldn’t read his feelings.

“Ah…”

He continued eating, his voice ambiguous, giving nothing away.

From his behavior, it was impossible to know who had given the order.

What was clear was that Jer’s lack of explanation meant one of two things: he did it himself, or he didn’t care even if Nick had done it.

If it were the latter, Jer wouldn’t interfere no matter what Nick did to me. Of course, even if Jer did it, it didn’t mean it was good—either way, he didn’t treat me as precious.

Although I suspected it, I couldn’t help feeling a little lonely.

As my appetite waned, I began pushing food around on my plate.

Jer spoke in a slightly lower voice than before.

“There will soon be a party hosted by the royal family.”

A party?

Startled, I looked at Jer. He continued in a low voice.

“Many people are curious about you.”

“Then….”

“Yes. You must attend, so prepare without fail. It will be held on the Emperor’s birthday, and many nobles from across the empire will attend.”

“Ah…”

A royal party. And one held for the Emperor’s birthday.

I had never attended such a grand party before. I hadn’t been able to freely participate in society, and I had never been invited nor had reason to go.

Caught off guard, I stared at Jer. He glanced at me briefly and said quietly:

“After the party ends, we will continue the experiments. I’ll inform you of the exact schedule later, but keep it in mind.”

“Yes.”

I had already heard about resuming experiments, so it didn’t matter. But Jer seemed unusually off today.

From before he mentioned the tea, he avoided making eye contact and was unusually silent. Normally warm, his playful tone had vanished entirely.

It felt as if he was trying to remain strictly businesslike, only speaking when necessary.

I was curious about his sudden change, but asking why he was cold seemed strange.

After all, Jer and I were bound only by a contractual purpose, nothing more. He had no obligation to be kind to me.

After finishing his meal first, Jer stood up.

“I’ll come to escort you on the day of the party.”

“Understood.”

Then he left, the cold wind following him out.

Marlen noticed his change in mood and hurried over.

“The Marquis seems to be in a bad mood today. Don’t worry about it. Shall I bring more salad for you?”

“No, that’s fine. I’ll stop eating too.”

“Oh! You’ve eaten so little…”

“I’m full, really.”

I got up as well. My appetite had already been gone.

Walking back to the study, I told Marlen:

“Bring the tea to the study again this time.”

“Yes, Miss. Don’t overdo it.”

Marlen didn’t seem to understand why I studied so hard, but I couldn’t explain it either, so I just smiled.

Studying medicine—right now, this was the best I could do.

Humans are creatures of adaptation.

When I first attended lectures at the Kamar Academy, everything was new and fascinating, but I adapted in just a few days.

I attended lectures on medicine, disguising myself with glasses and subtle concealment.

From the day after Teansis confessed, I disguised myself every day. Wigs, veils, hats—anything to avoid being recognized.

There was one reason:

To avoid Teansis.

He was dangerously irresistible. The closer he came, the harder it was to push him away. I didn’t know how to distance myself from him.

So, absurd as it was, I had to make every effort to avoid someone I had once longed to meet.

“The class ends here.”

I packed my things and stood up.

At that moment, I heard the voices of noble young ladies cheering behind me.

“Kyaa! Look over there!”

“It’s my first time seeing the Duke of Acruze in person!”

From a distance, I caught a glimpse of Teansis’s golden hair. Many had blonde hair, but his was uniquely luxurious, recognizable at once.

I swiftly turned my head and hurried out of the lecture hall.

Fortunately, Teansis was famous enough that I could notice him and avoid him before he got too close.

Thud, thud, thud!

I ran quickly to a less crowded area and leaned against a large tree, gasping for air.

“Haah… haah…”

He probably hadn’t seen me today either.

Having spent time at the Kamar Academy as an assistant apothecary, I had become familiar with the paths.

Then I heard an unexpected husky voice from behind.

“Did you enjoy hide-and-seek?”

I had no choice but to inhale sharply. Turning around, I saw a man.

Golden hair shining, a slightly crooked smile—Teansis himself.