DLMS 13

Chapter 13

My very first stage ended with the words, “Thank you.”

“Great job!”
“Your performance was awesome! Totally amazing!”

When I came back down to the waiting tent, the band members of Desks and Chairs greeted me, saying I did well.

I couldn’t even remember the last time I had heard words like that, so I just answered with an awkward smile.

[Hey, nice work. You did well. It wasn’t a stage that fully satisfied me, but for a beginner, it wasn’t bad.]

‘Thanks.’

He always had to leave some regret in his comments, but this much was basically high praise.

[By the way, right before you started performing, your emotions shifted all of a sudden. It was like flipping a switch.]

‘Yeah… I suddenly felt excitement rising.’

[You’re a strange one…]

‘It was a strange experience for me too.’

[Anyway, looks like we can just leave. The other performers already left.]

‘Oh, you’re right.’

Looking around, the Desks and Chairs members had already headed for the stage area. Apart from the staff, no one was left.

I was standing there awkwardly, wondering what to do next, when—

“Good work out there!”

“Oh, uh, thank you.”

It was a student I remembered from the audition day.

“The performers from earlier are drinking at our student council booth. Do you want to come with us? If it feels uncomfortable, you can just go hang out with your friends at the Korean Lit booth.”

Honestly, it didn’t matter to me.

Wherever I went, it would be uncomfortable anyway.

“Hmm… let me think about it.”

“Okay, I’ll be behind this tent, so just let me know! You were amazing today!”

“Thanks.”

As I watched the student disappear after her lively farewell, I fell into thought.

‘Should I go? Or just head home?’

[If you go, let’s choose the new place. That seems better.]

‘Wouldn’t that be even more uncomfortable?’

[…Actually, I don’t know either…]

The devil’s tone was strange.

‘What’s wrong with you?’

[Truth is, right after that student left, a deal was made.]

‘Oh, really? What got traded?’

[Popularity…]

“Ah!”

My voice jumped out before I realized.

A few staffers inside the tent gave me weird looks, but that didn’t matter right now.

[Why are you so difficult?!]

‘Why are you yelling at me…?’

[Forget it. Just do whatever you want.]

His inexplicable outburst bothered me, but something else weighed on me more.

The most shocking thing to me was my own unconscious.

I always thought being noticed by classmates didn’t matter.

But deep down, I did want attention. That thought suddenly made me sad.

[So, have you decided where to go?]

‘Yeah.’

Answering the devil, I opened the tent flap and walked toward that student.

[Wow… You performed brilliantly at the spring festival, and now you’re going home without even a hint of drunkenness…]

‘I just want to go. Home feels comfortable.’

[Ultimate mysterious guy. Don’t you want to enjoy the popularity you gained—even if it’s only half?]

‘I don’t know.’

[What do you mean, you don’t know?]

‘It means… I crave attention without realizing it. But if I go hang out and people actually pay attention to me—if it makes me feel good—then I’ll remember who I used to be. And that’ll make me sad.’

Because that would prove I had always wanted attention.

[…]

Come to think of it, I sometimes even forgot my hatred toward CEO Kim Jung-hyuk lately.

This deal log was proof of that.

Silence fell in my head.

The devil didn’t answer, and I didn’t continue either.

Only distant music thumped faintly.

The thought that my past self was pitiful engulfed me.

I’d never had time to think about wanting warm attention. What came my way was always bullying and pain.

Sure, there must have been happy moments too. But right now, my focus was elsewhere.

If I could meet my past self, I’d want to hug him and say, “It’s okay.”

[If resting at home feels right, then do that.]

‘But why did you yell earlier?’

[…]

The devil hesitated, then spoke.

[I just thought… you must’ve been suppressing it so much that even I didn’t notice.]

‘You mean you pity me?’

[Well… in part. Out of everyone I’ve met, you’re the first who wanted popularity but never showed it. The hunger for attention is usually so strong it’s impossible to hide.]

‘Hmm…’

He was thinking the same as me.

Even I always denied it, but the fact that an outsider like me secretly wanted attention—that hurt.

I always thought getting attention or popularity was impossible.

But the deal confirmed it: what I wanted deep inside was popularity.

If I went drinking and got that attention, sure, it’d feel good. But it would also make my lonely past seem even sadder.

Of course, compared to the days when attention was basically zero, I’d get more from now on. But today, I just wanted to go home.

[I yelled because it broke my heart. Okay?]

‘Am I really that pathetic…?’

[Shut up. Hey, idiot—if you were truly pathetic, why would I show up? I don’t appear unless there’s something there.]

‘I want to change.’

[Then today’s the last day.]

‘Last day of what?’

[Of thinking that pathetic way. You gonna live like that forever?]

‘I don’t want to. I’ll change. After my performance, I heard it clearly—the cheers, the shouts for me. I remember all those eyes on me.’

[Exactly. Hold onto that. Facing your pitiful self once is enough. From now on, move forward.]

‘Yeah, I get it. Those thoughts will only hold me back anyway.’

[Good. Finally making sense. Nice! Cheer up. Let’s go home and eat something delicious tonight.]

After that heavy talk, we joked around while I ordered delivery food.

As I walked farther from campus, the crowds thickened.

People laughing drunkenly with friends.

People smoking on the street, waiting for someone.

People with headphones, walking somewhere.

Plenty of couples too.

Humans connect, love, hate, feel joy, feel rage.

The devil had given me power, and small changes followed.

But I wanted those changes to remain just that—small.

From now on, I wanted to shape my life myself.

What I gained from today wasn’t just recognition or stage experience. It was the thought that I had to be honest with myself.

And a resolution: not to fear connections, but to face them.

Having faced even my own unconscious, I no longer wanted to lie to myself.

Today I would go home to rest, but tomorrow, with a healthier heart, I would step into the world.

Bright signs as dazzling as the sun.

Crowds filling the streets.

I stepped forward, ready to swim for the first time among them.

–BEEP BEEP BEEP–

“Ughhh…”

[Wake up already. How long are you gonna sleep?]

“What time is it…”

[Seven. Not going to school?]

“I’ll go…”

Because I had tossed and turned all night with thoughts, it was hard to open my eyes.

The devil cut off our link for a while, saying he felt nauseous again.

Thanks to that, I had time alone to think.

[Slept like three hours?]

“Feels like two…”

[Anyway, hurry up and wash. Time to go feel that half popularity.]

I dragged my sleepy body to the shower.

As always, I skipped breakfast.

When I went to grab clothes like usual, my hand hesitated.

[Kekeke… finally woke up, huh?]

“Hm…”

I reached for my usual outfit, but it didn’t feel right.

“Wouldn’t it look too obvious if I start dressing up right after a performance? Like I’m conscious of others?”

[You’re conscious right now too…]

“Hmm…”

[Hey, you don’t need to overdress. Just don’t wear your usual stuff. Haven’t you heard of ‘casually stylish’?]

“You sound weird when you use words like that.”

[What did I say?]

“Never mind.”

So instead of my usual sweatshirt, I picked out something else in a different color.

I had two hours of Modern Poetry lecture in the morning.

–Creak–

As I opened the lecture room door, I felt a few eyes on me.

My whole body stiffened, but I walked naturally, as if nothing was wrong.

[Uh, mister, aren’t you walking way too stiffly?]

‘No, I’m being totally natural.’

…At least that’s what I told myself.

Self-hypnosis.

Even if the stares made me awkward, I couldn’t resist my curiosity.

What had kept gnawing at me last night was “half popularity.”

Second row from the back, next to the window.

My usual seat.

For some reason, the walk there felt longer than normal.

Not unpleasant—just awkward.

I sat down, pulled out a book, and scrolled my phone until the professor came in.

Music charts, new releases, updates on famous singers.

Music was still my only focus.

As I got absorbed, the weight of those stares faded.

–Knock knock–

A careful knock on my desk.

“Uh…”

I looked up at the hand’s owner.

“Hi, hyung. I really enjoyed your performance yesterday.”

“Oh… thanks.”

“I’m 21, so you can just speak comfortably.”

“Oh, uh, okay… thaanks…”

[‘Okay… thaanks…’ Jesus, you’re broken. Totally broken.]

He was probably facepalming right now.

Next to the boy greeting me stood another student.

“Hyung, actually, this guy does music too, and he wants to get to know you.”

“Mm.”

I turned and saw a neat-looking guy staring at me.

“I really enjoyed your show yesterday. Did you arrange that piece yourself?”

“Uh, yeah… I did.”

“Whoa…”

They looked at each other, impressed.

“Then, hyung, if you have time, would you like to visit our studio sometime?”

“Studio?”

“Yeah, we’ve got one near Hongdae. Thought it’d be cool to hang out and talk.”

“Oh, sure, that sounds good.”

–Creak–

As soon as I said that, the professor walked in.

“I’ll give you my number after class then!”

My head was spinning.

[The bait’s taking.]

‘Yeah… looks like it.’

[Didn’t know there was another music kid in this department. Did you?]

‘How would I…’

[True enough.]

“Hyung! Hyung! Hyung!”

“Oh, yeah…”

As soon as class ended, the two of them rushed over.

“Let me give you my number. Pass me your phone.”

“Oh, okay, here.”

“Actually, better yet—want to grab lunch with us?”

“Uh… lunch?”

I hesitated, but silence would’ve been weirder, so I answered quickly.

“Sure.”

[Oh, nice. You’re really not uncomfortable?]

‘They’re music guys. I’ll have more to talk about with them than others.’

Since they did music, I didn’t really mind.

‘It’s kindness. I won’t reject it.’

[Good. That’s what I like to hear. Let’s eat together.]

“Great! Should we eat out?”

“Yeah, sure. Let’s take my car.”

“Whoa, hyung even has a car?”

“Not a good one though…”

“Pssh, who cares? We walk everywhere. Let’s go already!”

“Alright.”

So, with my first-ever new friends, I headed to Yeonhui-dong for lunch.

Of course, it was still awkward, and I wasn’t used to this situation.

But it felt good.

Half popularity.

The devil said even he couldn’t measure it, but I was starting to feel it.