DHDF 54

chapter 54

For a moment, we silently stared into each other’s eyes. His clear blue gaze felt calmer than ever.

Lithema was waiting for my answer, but I was completely at a loss for words. I had no idea what to say.

Of course he’s special.

It had all been impulse after impulse.

To be honest, I didn’t even know what exactly had offended Lithema.

I thought the direction we were heading in would improve our relationship.

At last, I forced my lips to open.

“…I don’t know why you would think that.”

“You said it yourself. That you won’t wait for me anymore.”

I had. Because I kept hoping, and getting weak. And I knew that would eventually give him the excuse he needed.

Lithema sighed and sat down on the floor.

“Then that means I’m nothing to you anymore.”

I had plenty of ways to refute that.

That it was just a change in attitude, nothing more. That I enjoyed the time we spent together, and hoped we could continue.

But suddenly I realized… maybe that was exactly the ending I was truly aiming for.

That way, I won’t be scared anymore…

I was terrified that Lithema might one day strangle me.

That when the air left my lungs and my consciousness blurred, I wouldn’t even struggle.

The thought alone made me sick with self-disgust.

But if I cut off my own feelings… that future wouldn’t exist.

“…Is that really what you meant?”

Just the faint tremor in his voice shook me.

God. When had my wishes become an impossible dream?

I swallowed a sigh, sat up, and held his face gently between my hands.

“How could you ever be the same as everyone else? That’s impossible.”

And slowly, I added,

“I swear it.”

It was the truth. No one could ever replicate the feelings Lithema stirred in me.

But it didn’t seem to give him any confidence.

I couldn’t guess what he was thinking.

Or whether he even believed my words at all.

“Then you tell me, Lithema. What do you want me to do?”

He threw his arms around me, holding tight enough that I could feel his heartbeat.

“I like things the way they are. Don’t try to do anything.”

“….”

“Do we really have to change something?”

My stomach felt like it was burning. But I didn’t show it.

I didn’t want to expose every ugly piece of myself to someone who knew nothing about them.

But I also didn’t want to endure everything silently anymore.

So I pulled away from him.

“Fine. Then explain something to me, Lithema. What exactly is ‘the way things are’? Me being obsessed with you, and you enjoying the show?”

“…I never enjoyed it.”

His tone was different than usual.

I let out a hollow laugh and brushed my hair back.

So many unfamiliar sides of him today. And honestly, he was probably thinking the same about me.

“Then what? What is it, really?”

I felt my breathing starting to quicken, so I forced myself to calm down.

Lithema noticed and guided me through slow, deep breaths.

By the time I returned to normal, all my energy had drained away. I desperately needed rest.

I stood up.

“I’m going. I need to sleep.”

“I’ll take you.”

“Sure. If you want to watch me pass out on the way, go ahead.”

Only when I snapped back sharply did he finally step away.

✦ ✦ ✦

Time went by while nothing between me and Lithema was resolved.

My emotions had settled, but I felt like if we saw each other too soon, our relationship would shatter entirely—so I avoided him.

All I wanted was for things to get better. Not to end.

I just never imagined Lithema would react that way.

Even remembering it made my head throb, so I grabbed a sheet of stationery to distract myself.

“I heard, Maylee. You’re going to the Academy too, right? I sent in my application last time.”

I couldn’t even write a few lines before my emotions broke loose again.

Face buried in my pillow, I fumed quietly for a long time.

“Doesn’t that make it hard to breathe?”

Rozaline straightened the bed I had ruined, speaking gently.

“If you’re stressed, why not go to the training hall? Moving your body might clear your head.”

I had considered it. I just stopped halfway after running into him a few times.

“Thanks for the suggestion. When are Lady Aete and Lord Laot coming back?”

“Lady Aete arrives the day after tomorrow. She said she had somewhere else to visit first. Lord Laot is expected to arrive this evening.”

A small blessing.

As the sun began to set, I hovered near the terrace, then rushed to the entrance when a carriage appeared.

Laot stepped out and raised one eyebrow, surprised.

He clearly hadn’t expected me to come greet him.

“I’ve been waiting.”

“Really?”

“I missed you.”

He froze. Tried to walk past me, then turned back.

His face crumpled like a wrinkled piece of paper.

“Funny how someone who ‘missed me’ didn’t send a single letter.”

“I did. You never replied, so I stopped.”

“Really?”

“No.”

Laot stared at me with an expression that said he couldn’t believe this.

“But I did mean it when I said I missed you.”

I just needed something to pull my mind away from everything.

The Grand Duke and Lady Karlin were at home, but I couldn’t go to them.

You can’t fight with their youngest son and then show up asking them to help you feel better.

I didn’t say anything else, just followed Laot around like a lost puppy.

His hair had grown longer—long enough to tie back.

“Your hair grew out.”

“It just happened.”

“Isn’t it uncomfortable?”

“It’s annoying. I’m going to have it cut.”

Probably by his attendant.

As the servants finished carrying his luggage, one knocked on the door holding scissors and a barber’s cape.

Laot pulled up a chair as if this was routine.

And suddenly, on impulse, I thought maybe I could do it.

“Can I try?”

“…What, cutting my hair?”

I nodded lightly.

It wasn’t determination—just a passing thought. If he refused, I would’ve dropped it.

“If you want.”

I hadn’t expected him to agree so easily.

His attendant handed me the scissors and gave a quick explanation.

“Can’t you cut hair with magic too?” I asked boldly.

But once I started, my hands shook like crazy. I couldn’t ruin someone’s hair, so I trimmed tiny sections at a time.

Finally, curiosity escaped my mouth:

“I mean—you could cut a person with a spell. But cutting hair takes actual skill?”

“That’s right.”

That made perfect sense.

When I finally stepped back, my hands were slick with sweat.

I pulled away and shook out my stiff fingers.

“…Not bad,” the attendant said, after inspecting it briefly.

Then he took the scissors and trimmed the rest neatly.

So that compliment earlier was just politeness.

“But honestly, Laot still looks good with long hair.”

“…Shouldn’t you have said that before cutting it?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, tone sharp, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What, planning to grow it long again?”

I realized too late how casually I’d said it, and bit my tongue.

Still—it wasn’t just flattery. With his face, even hair covering his whole neck, or longer, would look good.

“Are you eating dinner?”

He usually skipped dinner, but this time he had to be starving after traveling.

Truthfully, I was starving. I’d gotten used to eating with someone, and the thought of eating alone felt depressing.

“The look on your face says you want me to.”

“I won’t deny it.”

Laot collapsed into a couch and looked like he was thinking things over.

Then he spoke slowly:

“It’s been a while. Want to eat in the dining room?”

“…No.”

That was the last thing I wanted.

Unlike me, Lithema didn’t hesitate to approach me.

He wandered around the mansion freely, and whenever he spotted me, he’d come talk.

It was a miracle he didn’t climb through my window.

If we went to the dining hall, we’d practically be guaranteed to sit across from each other.

Almost 100% chance.

“How about we eat just the two of us? I don’t think we’ve ever actually done that.”

“…Hey.”

Laot’s expression hardened. Maybe he needed a proper reason to accept.

“Why are you being so sentimental today?”