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#5
Chapter 05.
Even though it felt like I’d narrowly survived yesterday, there was definitely pleasure. I thought I might never have such an experience again elsewhere. Anyway, I was reasonably satisfied, but…
Seeing Gert apologize over and over, saying it was his fault, that he’d committed a mortal sin, suddenly felt like having cold water dumped over my head, leaving it ringing.
Gert, right in front of me, somehow felt far away. As if a layer of water stood between him and me, everything felt unreal.
Soon, everything grew weary.
Of course, I wasn’t devoid of emptiness, but he was drunk, I was drunk… I even sobered up midway. It would’ve been better if I’d stayed drunk until the end. The half-formed expectations I’d harbored returned as sharp thorns.
What hurt me more than Gert not wanting to sleep with me was the fact that I had wanted to sleep with him.
So the root of this pain was me, and blaming Gert wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t change his feelings.
“Let’s just pretend it never happened. Don’t worry about it.”
“How can we pretend it never happened?!”
“These things happen sometimes… Anyway, we both consented at the time… The circumstances are just a bit different now. So wouldn’t it be easiest for both of us to just let it go?”
“Circumstances? What circumstances?”
“It’s a bit hard for me to say it myself.”
No matter how nonchalantly I acted, I wasn’t so unaffected that I could say, ‘It seems like you regret sleeping with me.’
“……”
Gert’s brow furrowed. His lips opened and closed several times, but what finally escaped was a deep sigh.
“If you truly wish it so.”
We tried to live as usual, erasing that day from our memories. Of course, that memory sometimes pierced out like an awl from a pocket, but with the Day of Gaze approaching, I had no time to be swayed by other emotions and pretended not to know as much as possible.
But now, I could no longer ignore that incident.
‘Gert had a woman he loved? Since when?’
Were they already acquainted? Or was it a woman he met later?
I knew absolutely nothing.
‘When he slept with me, was he already in love with that woman?’
Thinking that, everything made sense—why Gert, so resistant to temptation, slept with me even if drunk, and why his reaction upon waking was like that.
‘It makes sense if he was drunk and mistook me for the woman he loved.’
Having satisfied a passionate night and coming to his senses, he found the woman in his arms was me, his nominal wife…
Gert must have felt sorry towards me then, but the guilt of holding another woman while the one he loved existed must have been immense. Hence that ashen, world-collapsing expression.
The persistent tongue that licked my fingers, the hands that held me as if never letting go…
Even if it was a mistake, I thought that moment was mine.
But realizing that not a single moment was ever truly mine, a pain that squeezed my chest blocked my breath.
‘…Thinking about it now, what he said the night before he left for his final hunt was definitely meaningful.’
Not long after that incident, Gert left for a hunt. Even though we lived as usual, Gert, who had been avoiding time alone with me as much as possible, inexplicably called for me that day.
“I have something to tell you when I return.”
“Once you go hunting, you don’t come back for ages. If you have something to say, say it now.”
“It’s meaningless to say now.”
“For heaven’s sake.”
Summoning me just to say ‘I have something to tell you when I return’…
At the time, I thought it was an attempt at reconciliation before he left for the hunt, to ease the tension in our strained relationship.
But now I see it was all groundwork for divorcing me right after the Day of Gaze.
‘…Whatever. We were supposed to divorce after my Day of Gaze anyway.’
The fact that he and I slept together by mistake didn’t change our contract.
It’s just that I never imagined Gert would be preparing for divorce, waiting for that day…
‘Maybe he thought if we hurriedly divorced and became nothing to each other, that incident would also disappear as if it never happened.’
I forcefully shook off the darkening thoughts.
‘Fine, fine! Ruminating over that incident is pointless!’
Anyway, that incident is now a non-event, and I have no intention of drinking that wine with Gert ever again, so I’ll never know Gert’s true feelings at that time.
The only certainty is that Gert died without ever properly proposing to the woman he loved.
That was another reason I wanted a quick divorce.
If I divorce him quickly, something might change. At least he might get to spend some time with the person he loves…
The more I gave rational reasons, the worse my mood became.
I desperately ignored the cause of these feelings.
Given that past, I couldn’t confide in Gert about the future. He wouldn’t believe me anyway.
‘Perfect way to get treated like a lunatic.’
Unaware of my turmoil, Gert probed this and that, as if trying to resolve my dissatisfaction.
“Or, was there something uncomfortable about staying in the Grand Ducal house? A servant who displeased you while I was away?”
“Of course not!”
‘Not until now, anyway.’
Hiding my true thoughts, I conveyed my opinion with a sincerely apologetic expression.
“Bringing up divorce in front of everyone was certainly thoughtless. I’m sorry for that. But I grew anxious thinking you might not return for months if you leave now.”
In Gert’s silence, I hurriedly continued.
“Life in the Grand Ducal house wasn’t the problem. It was good, actually. But the more I lived here, the more I felt a commoner like me doesn’t fit. Of course, you provided many conveniences, but there are still many things to consider.”
I couldn’t honestly tell him that everyone here would flip their attitude the moment he died, now could I?
We don’t fit! Anyway, it’s uncomfortable!
…I had no choice but to push forward with that.
It was also the truth.
‘If I, with my common palate, say skewered meat from a street vendor tastes better than the chef’s meticulously prepared dishes, what can Gert do about it?’
In the end, being the Grand Duchess ends if I don’t want it.
“There’s still a year until the Day of Gaze. I want to work in a more comfortable environment during that year.”
“You….”
Gert’s face contorted. His handsome brow furrowed as displeasure filled his features.
‘I guess it feels bad to hear your wife ask for a divorce, even if you’re not in love?’
Come to think of it, I didn’t feel great either when I first heard Gert had another woman.
So I understood Gert’s displeasure.
