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Chapter 38
A small gesture, like a gift, to a duke who had recently lost their parents and was still struggling to govern their territory.
The crown prince’s offer to help manage state affairs together.
But in truth, it was surveillance disguised as kindness.
“This is an old tactic the imperial family has often used.”
A warning dressed in courtesy.
I recalled the recent discussions with the twins about “overthrowing the emperor.”
So now, he’s not even trying to hide it—he’s openly wary of me.
“If I refuse?”
“That would be unfortunate. But that’s as far as it would go. Neither of us actually has the right to refuse.”
Surely there must be some excuse I could come up with?
Since the emperor was coming at me so directly, the proper course would be to find some elaborate reason to refuse.
But…
“To come here, I had to push myself a little these past few days to clear imperial duties in advance.”
The problem was, the crown prince was my lover.
Like a cat, he rubbed his head against me, eyes narrowing into slits.
“I hope our time here together will remain as a fond memory.”
“…?”
I didn’t realize then that failing to understand the hidden meaning behind those words was a mistake on my part.
✦ ✦ ✦
The crown prince had come to “help” me.
Kiscel’s reaction was:
“The crown prince is staying here in the duchy? Why? I don’t like this.”
Mm, simple and to the point.
While Eshduar stepped out for a moment to look at his room, Kiscel completely grilled me.
“The emperor’s orders.”
“There had to have been ways to refuse.”
“Because of the ‘restriction,’ if Eshduar wants something, I can’t say no.”
I patted Kiscel’s back as he pressed a hand to his forehead for me.
“Hey, don’t worry. I’ll handle Eshduar.”
“I’ve never been so grateful that the crown prince is under a brainwashing spell. At least we know he’s on your side.”
“Right, I think so too.”
Just moments ago, Eshduar had kissed me on the cheek before leaving. The warmth still lingered there.
While soothing the clearly displeased Kiscel, I turned my gaze toward the snow piling outside and suddenly stood up.
“Wow! It’s already piled up that much?”
No way I was going to just sit here.
I dragged Kiscel out into the back garden.
“It feels bleak.”
“The gardener’s good at his job. He dug out all the old trees and flowers. He’s going to plant new ones, so by next spring it’ll look amazing.”
“By then, your birthday will have passed. Ah, I hope I’m still alive until then… What if I die from overwork?”
I pinched his lips and took off my shawl to wrap it over his shoulders.
“It’s enchanted for warmth, so keep it on.”
It was expensive—hopefully he wouldn’t drop it in the snow.
“It’s fine. You know I’m sturdy.”
When he tried to take it off, I pressed it down onto his shoulders.
“You know I’m sturdier than you, right?”
I grinned.
“Ah! Kiscel, I want to climb up there.”
“The wall?”
“Should I? Will you give me a lift?”
“You can get up there yourself.”
Still grumbling, Kiscel placed his hands on my waist.
Just as I was about to climb, a different hand touched my waist. Startled, I turned my head.
“I’d like you to leave this to me.”
It was Eshduar.
Kiscel’s face cracked ever so slightly at the interruption. I stepped in front of him to block his expression from view.
“Does it matter who does it?”
“But this is my job, isn’t it?”
…No, not really. If anything, it’s the attendants’ job.
In the end, I placed my hands on Eshduar’s shoulders.
After all, I was the one responsible for making him fall in love with me.
“Alright. Kiscel, could you go in first?”
Naturally, since I couldn’t refuse him, that’s how it went.
Once Kiscel left, I climbed onto the wall.
Eshduar joined me without hesitation.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“It’s… not very dignified.”
He sat beside me and crossed his legs.
“True enough.”
It was strange—someone like him, who usually only received service, casually assisting me and sitting here on a snow-covered wall without any hesitation.
“It may seem like just sitting somewhere undignified… but still.”
His natural ease about it was oddly curious.
Come to think of it, the first time we met, he was camping in the duchy’s forest.
That day I’d been too distracted by other matters to ask…
“Why was he camping in another territory’s mountains with knights?”
He gazed out toward the lands beyond the castle.
With his chin slightly raised, he looked past the walls, and I found myself staring at him.
As if sensing my gaze, he removed his coat.
“Your clothes are thin. Come here—wear this.”
“I’m fine.”
Still, I gripped the coat he draped over my shoulders.
Then I looked out at the endless expanse of the duchy as if to burn it into my eyes.
This is where I’ve lived all my life…
How could it feel so unfamiliar yet so beautiful?
“….”
I turned my head.
He was looking at the same view I was.
His honey-blond hair swayed; he brushed it back, tilted his chin slightly, closed his eyes, then opened them again. His lashes quivered in the wind like butterfly wings.
I took in every moment.
The sunset changed everything—it washed the world in red, and in that glow, he alone shone.
“Eshduar.”
Those jewel-like blue eyes rolled toward me.
“I have something to tell you.”
His smile deepened.
“What words make you hesitate like this? You know you don’t need to.”
I exhaled slowly at his words.
“You never have to hesitate. At a wave of your hand, I’d crumble. At a single kiss, I’d give you everything.”
“….”
“I’d whisper words of eternal love, hoping for even a single glance from you.”
His voice flowed like a beautiful melody.
His white breath wrapped around my world.
I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes, so I turned away.
And slowly, I said the words I’d promised myself I’d one day say.
“I’m sorry.”
His hand, which had been reaching for me, froze midair.
Eshduar said nothing, so I continued alone.
“Just… so many things. I’m sorry. To you.”
The man beside me, who shone so brightly, had given me his life the night we first met.
“And I’m sorry for asking you to understand that I can’t give you up.”
Maybe it would’ve been better for both of us if we’d never met.
Him… and me.
“I’m enough to be shaken by my own selfishness….”
Eshduar took my shoulder.
I turned to him.
That sculpted face everyone praised was right there before me.
I reached out.
“I’ve even stained you with my selfishness.”
With a warped expression—neither a smile nor indifference—I cupped his cheek.
“You probably don’t even understand what I’m saying.”
Trapped in the curse of a love born from false emotion, he would never understand me.
“How long… and far away must ‘forever’ be?”
I let my hand fall from his face.
This man, who had vowed to dedicate to me moments I’d never experienced, chased after me.
“You can’t even decide if loving me is happiness… or misfortune.”
It was a bitter thought.
As long as we couldn’t escape the shackle called “forever”…
“Ina.”
He called me up from the swamp of my thoughts.
“Don’t make that face.”
Eshduar caught my hand before it slipped from his cheek.
“I have no way of knowing why you’re sorry… but yes, you’re right—I don’t know.”
His grip was tight.
“But whatever wrong you’ve done, I’ll forgive it.”
I kept my lips sealed.
“But I know that’s not the answer you want.”
He leaned his forehead against mine.
Warmth seeped into me.
I was drawn into his clear blue gaze.
What would he say next?
Whatever it was, it wouldn’t mean much—
“What can a man in love under a spell really say?”
Then light spilled in.
“Be selfish, Inera Mertiel.”
In his clear eyes, I saw myself reflected exactly as I was.
“You are a noblewoman of House Mertiel, and my lover.”
That warmth in his touch melted my cold, stiff body.
“Your smile is worth more than a sorrowful apology.”
“….”
“So instead of saying you’re sorry, smile.”
Even knowing his words were spoken not by his own will but under magic…
“It’s a shame to utter sad apologies with such a beautiful view before us.”
Why did those words pierce so deep into my heart?
“Just remember that I love you.”
My heartbeat faltered and then began to pound.
“And keep that love only for yourself.”
Had I called the backdrop behind him a beautiful view? Maybe…
“Many in this world live only for themselves; you have no reason not to.”
In this moment…
I could see nothing but him.
My god.
His touch left me, and I missed it.
Not just his much-praised looks—everything.
The breath I felt when he spoke to me.
The way his eyes met mine so clearly.
His smiling face.
In that moment…
Even though I had never felt it before, I knew its name.
It was…
“I love you, Inera.”
Love.
