STUT 48

Chapter : 48

I Sink Like This

“You look troubled.”

Benjamin whispered from behind.

Since they couldn’t very well leave the unconscious child alone, he and Henrietta were on their way to the Imperial Palace.

“I’m fine now.”

“Are you?”

“The confusion has settled.”

Charlophe replied calmly.

“Has the palace physician arrived yet?”

“I sent word to the Imperial Medical Office. They should arrive soon.”

Charlophe leaned against the bedside table.

Before long, footsteps approached outside the antechamber.

“Your Majesty. The palace physician has arrived.”

Aaron knocked and entered. He silently examined the child lying alone on the bed.

“They’ve fainted from shock.”

“No injuries?”

“I’ve checked—there are none. If the arms and abdomen are unhurt, that’s a good sign.”

When force is applied from outside, people usually try to shield themselves with their arms.

“At the very least, it wasn’t external trauma.”

“Then psychological?”

“From the circumstances, that seems likely.”

“How long until they regain consciousness?”

“We’ll only know once they wake. For now, their vitality is too depleted. I won’t rouse them yet—I’ll prescribe a sleeping herb.”

Given how exhausted the body was, deep rest came first.

“Then I’ll return shortly with the herbs.”

Aaron left.

“Why are you letting go of my hand?”

“Oh—I didn’t realize.”

“Don’t let go.”

Benjamin took Charlophe’s hand and layered it over his own.

“You were so calm before death, yet you’re shaken by the sight of this child.”

“…They’re still young.”

“What do you think you saw in them?”

“I’m not sure. Perhaps a glimpse of myself back then.”

Charlophe reached out and placed a hand on the child’s forehead. The child breathed evenly, a faint wheeze escaping.

“Why were you left there all alone?”

Even blinded by greed, no one would abandon their own child so easily.

“Any word on the child’s birth mother?”

“Tuteur has stationed people at the estate. If anyone comes looking for the child, we’ll be notified.”

“And the head of the family?”

“He’s vanished completely. Even if the intelligence bureau tracks him, it’ll take time.”

“…Troublesome either way—caught or not.”

That’s how lives bound by blood are.

Even if you believe you’ve severed past ties, to the outside world, blood still connects you.

“We’ll talk more after the child wakes.”

Charlophe had just lifted their head—

Their eyes met.

Those eyes were hard to read.

Their gazes lingered on each other.

His look seemed to pierce straight through, and with a sigh-like breath, he called their name.

“Charle.”

Benjamin murmured, eyes half-lidded.

“You missed your meal.”

“I didn’t notice.”

“At least eat something light.”

The empty stomach made its presence known—like a hollow ache.

“Relax, Charle.”

“……”

“You’re scratching me with your nails.”

Only then did Charlophe loosen their grip.

“…I scratched you.”

“Best put some ointment on it.”

Charlophe opened their hand.

The nails had dug into the skin, leaving marks.

It stung—only now did the pain register.

“For now, you should take care of yourself first.”

Charlophe closed their eyes.

They finished a meal of soft bread spread with cream cheese.

A cup of chamomile was placed on the bedside table. Charlophe set the teacup down and leaned against the wall.

A maid nearby asked cautiously,

“Are you feeling anxious?”

“No. Why?”

“You seem troubled.”

“I just can’t sleep.”

“Shall I warm the tea again?”

“It’s fine. It’ll pass.”

Charlophe tilted their head, gazing out the window.

“I’ve developed a bad habit.”

Whenever their insides grew chaotic, they always suppressed it the same way.

A bad habit—
Even when the body screamed in pain, the scream was buried without sound.

The body went numb, unable to feel pain, too busy suppressing the misery.

So it really was a terrible thing.

There had been no one to stop them, and that was how their previous life ended too.

“Straighten the bedding and then leave.”

“Is there anything else you need?”

Charlophe brushed back their long hair and waved an arm.

“I’ll be alone.”

“Then we’ll remain outside. If you need anything, please pull the bell cord.”

After all the maids left and their presence faded—

“Kkyung.”

From beneath the narrow bedside table, a white fluff-ball emerged.

The small creature waddled about on short forelegs, then shook itself. Its pale, cottony fur bristled, ears pricking up.

“Kkyung.”

Ryang pressed its front paws firmly onto Charlophe’s foot.

“……”

Their body felt stiff and sore, as if tightly knotted, though it wasn’t muscle pain. One side of their chest felt uncomfortable, their breathing constrained.

Their fingertips went pale.

The fingers holding the teacup trembled faintly—but not from cold.

Charlophe hid the agitation.

They covered their hand, suppressing and concealing the tremor.

“Ah…”

Warm tea slid down their throat.

The fire had been stoked high; the heat against their skin felt almost burning.

Was it anxiety?

The tea dulled the unease as it flowed down.

The faint apple-like scent of chamomile was pleasant.

Don’t tremble.

It’s fine—for now. Just a small disturbance.

You have a habit of overworking your body.

That might be true.

Charlophe leaned back against the sofa. As they draped an arm over the armrest, Ryang licked the back of their hand.

“I’m not so weak as to need comfort from you.”

Ryang whined and climbed up, kneading their knees with its paws while Charlophe curled their toes to avoid being scratched.

Ryang licked Charlophe’s chin.

“Kkyung.”

Unable to leave their side, the small creature pressed its cheek against Charlophe’s neck.

“You always seem to read me.”

As Charlophe quietly lowered their head, the short tail brushed their forehead.

Tap, tap—light and gentle.

Soft, careful, like a caress.

Small and young.

The way such a little creature pressed close, whining, felt like comfort in its own way.

Ryang poked Charlophe’s nose with its short snout.

“I’m fine. I really am.”

They were whispering softly when a familiar presence approached.

“Coming from the office?”

“If I were, I’d be in uniform. I felt stifled, so I went to the training grounds.”

Only then did Charlophe lift their head. Benjamin, lightly dressed, shook out his damp hair. Sensing him, Ryang hopped down from their lap.

“That one refuses anyone but you.”

“It’s not refusal.”

“Then?”

“It’s making room. When you come close, it deliberately steps aside.”

As Ryang scratched at the door, an attendant opened it for them.

“Kkyung.”

It had happened often enough before that the attendants no longer reacted.

“My head feels foggy.”

“You look tired.”

“But I still can’t sleep.”

“Why?”

“…I feel stiff.”

“So that’s why chamomile?”

“The tea cools so quickly.”

“You should’ve had them reheat it.”

Charlophe shook their head.

“It’s time to sleep.”

With an unremarkable gesture, Charlophe brushed the teacup aside.

“Did Tuteur finish the investigation?”

“The broad strokes.”

“…And the child?”

“They woke up, but were anxious, so I prescribed a bit more sleeping herb.”

Charlophe closed their eyes. Their throat slowly relaxed.

“Too many things feel unresolved.”

“All things are like that—connected, yet not.”

Benjamin set down a damp towel and stepped closer. His presence drew nearer.

“You seem low.”

“I was coming back from visiting my mother’s side.”

“You saw your family?”

“Only my maternal grandfather.”

“……”

“Sitting quietly beside my mother, I suddenly realized something.”

“What?”

“That I was hurting.”

That my life had been exhausting.

“Even though I looked balanced, I wasn’t. I was tired of the past, still unable to escape it. Looking back showed me just how I am.”

“……”

“I didn’t want to expose this instability, so I stayed silent.”

And buried it alone, once again.

“This is what I’ve become now.”

Someone who suppressed everything forgot how to express it, remembering only how to grind down their own feelings.

“I used to be in pain.”

“……”

“Every breath felt suffocating. It felt unfair that my life was bound that way. I wanted something ordinary—but even that was denied.”

I could see my life breaking, but had no way to fix it.
I could see my path had gone astray, but there was no way back.

“People think everyone has a rock bottom—that the worst of life ends somewhere. But I didn’t.”

“Why?”

“My bottom never existed. I just kept falling.”

Only after life ended did I reach the bottom—and that bottom was death.

“I’m fine now.”

Everything has become something that never happened.

That death.
That life.

“I’ll keep getting better, won’t I?”

“That sounds like self-hypnosis.”

Benjamin gazed steadily into Charlophe’s eyes.

“There’s no way I could be completely fine.”

Deep within unconsciousness—

“Baby…”

Ah—somehow, it felt achingly familiar. So dearly missed.

“You were in pain.”

“……”

“I’m sorry I left you alone.”

Charle. Charlophe. My baby.

Dark red hair brushed their cheek. Deep colors filled their vision—red, everything dyed red.

“I’m sorry I left you alone.”

It was remorse—thick, bone-deep remorse.

“My baby. My baby.”

“It’s okay.”

“Charle.”

“I’m okay.”

Charlophe closed their eyes quietly.

Benjamin looked down at the sleeping figure. Their breathing was steady, though faintly trembling.

“Where did the resolve you had when you came looking for me go?”

Why do you look like you’re slowly collapsing now?

Like someone lost, wandering an endless sea.

Having lost the balance you maintained for so long, your body slowly sinks.

“If for the past few years you struggled as if clawing your way out of a grave, cutting off everything that clung to your ankles…”

Those who looked like this were always similar.

“Now you’ve lost that center.”

Benjamin brushed Charlophe’s forehead.

“Is anyone outside?”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“Bring the sleeping herb. It seems the Empress will need it tonight as well.”

So they could sleep a little deeper.

Their breathing softened, slackened.

With a broad hand, he covered Charlophe’s forehead.

“I’ll hold your steps in place.”

A maid brought the herb and set it on the bedside table.

He struck a match and lit it.

“You may sleep peacefully.”

As if red paint had spilled across white sheets,

His vision was dyed red.

“I never meant to let you go.”