Chapter 36

Mari returned to me from within the sea of flames. She must have been terrified of Linus, yet with this small body, she saved me. And because of me, she lost her entire left arm.

“What could I possibly give her in return? Is it even something that can be repaid?”

I felt so sorry that I could die, and endlessly grateful, to the point that dedicating my entire life wouldn’t feel like a loss.

But at the same time, I was the one who brought misfortune to Mari.

If I hadn’t existed, she would have been looking after the children who followed her on those streets, living a life at least free from being chased. She would’ve spent her days in far more comfort than now.

“Because of me, even the people who were precious to you… all…”

I couldn’t bring myself to say they were probably dead. It was such a terrible loss because of me. Mari’s hand lightly patted the back of mine. I wasn’t in a position to be comforted.

“The street kids are fast, you know. If they steal something, they have to run quickly or they’ll be beaten to death. I can’t say all of them survived, but most of them probably did.”

Mari answered calmly. But it was such an obvious lie. Seeing the disbelief in my eyes, Mari continued.

“And when did I ever say those kids were precious to me?”

“That’s…”

Unable to continue, I just blinked. Mari spoke coldly.

“It was just that grouping together gave us a higher chance of survival than scattering. It’s not like we were close.”

“But they followed you, and you looked after them. You don’t have to lie just to comfort me.”

She called them by name, fed them, took care of them. There’s no way that meant nothing to her.

“…Yeah.”

Mari looked at me like she was looking at a child. Though she was much smaller than me, her eyes were those of an adult. Like an adult who didn’t want to tell a child how cruel the world truly was.

“Florence-nim, do you remember? We once said that starving to death was scarier than being beaten to death.”

“…I remember.”

“Being hungry is hard in any season, but winter is especially harsh. Often, kids wouldn’t wake up after dawn… and the ones who survived had to wonder: is this a person, or just meat?”

“……”

“I had to survive first.”

The cynical look on her face was unfamiliar, yet she didn’t hide from my gaze. She showed me her raw truth.

“The reason the kids followed me was because I made decisions they couldn’t bear to make themselves. It wasn’t such a good relationship. As long as they did what I decided, they could tell themselves ‘I had no choice’ and still feel like humans.”

“……”

“Grandma used to say people should live under the sunlight. I wanted to live under the sunlight too… but you can’t survive that way.”

I lifted my eyes. Mari, who had been looking at me, was now staring hard at the back of my hand. I looked at her cheek.

“Honestly, it was funny. Someone like you, who doesn’t even know what hunger feels like, looking like the most miserable person in the world. You don’t even know the fear of wondering who might be dead tomorrow morning.”

“……”

“The child whose name you called and whose cheek you stroked would wake up cold and lifeless in your arms. After experiencing that a few times, you can’t just give affection to everyone you live with. We were all like that.”

“……”

“But even so, despite me telling you I was just doing my job for money, you were genuinely grateful even for being helped to wash or change clothes. You didn’t know what to do, wanting to give me something back. You never answered with words, but whenever I said I wanted to stay with you, you held my hand tightly and wouldn’t let go. You’re so innocent… you can’t hide anything.”

My tongue felt stuck to the roof of my mouth.

“Even though you didn’t really need me, you acted like you couldn’t live without me. How could I not fall for you?”

“I-I… back then…”

“I thought… if I was going to die pathetically on the streets anyway, it wouldn’t be so bad to spend my life for someone who loved me this much.”

“……”

“You don’t have to feel sorry. I didn’t do it because I wanted your gratitude. It was my choice….”

Mari was an adult. Even though she was a child, she was an adult.

“I guess… I thought if I died like that, maybe I could be forgiven a little for the sins I’d committed so far.”

“Forgiven by who?”

“…By God?”

“There’s no such thing as God in this world.”

I said firmly. Mari looked up at me with startled eyes. For the first time, our gazes met.

“At least, there’s no God who listens to our voices. So Mari, if you have to go to hell, I’ll go instead.”

I just wanted to repay her somehow. Please let me do that.

“I never knew what I wanted to do. My head was always filled with thoughts of running away from what was chasing me. I thought I’d do anything if it meant staying alive, but after surviving… I realised I didn’t have a life of my own. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, or what was important to me…”

In the end, it was pathetic to realise I had nothing left in my hands.

“But now, there’s something I want to do.”

“Wh-what is it…?”

“Mari, I’m going to give you a good life.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll dress you in nice clothes, feed you delicious food, let you learn anything you want. I’ll make it so you can live doing only what you want for the rest of your life.”

Mari’s mouth dropped open.

“You’re the first person I’ve ever loved.”

“Eeeh?”

“You’re the only one who didn’t feel disgusted when I said I loved them. So you’re the first.”

Though it sounded grand, that was really all there was to it. We ended up attaching so much meaning to each other’s actions only because we had nothing else. I had Mari, Mari had me. Because we knew it was too much meaning, we couldn’t ask anything of each other. Our love was so small and insignificant, yet it was worth betting everything on.

“Don’t worry. I’m actually quite promising, you know. Keith said I’d definitely recover, and that I’d be useful someday. I just need to take back what that woman enjoyed. Then I’ll be able to make money soon…”

But first, I had to do something about Linus.

“No one can take this body from me anymore. Now…”

Is that woman really dead? Keith’s voice echoed in my mind. I shut my eyes tightly to erase the sudden anxiety, then opened them again.

“I have to slowly repay Keith too…”

Keith had said it was just the beginning. That only by getting rid of Linus would I truly be free. But honestly, as long as I could run away from them, I didn’t care about all the things I’d lost anymore. Family or whatever.

They were never really mine to begin with. It was my life, but none of it was prepared for me.

Except for myself… everything belonged to Jang Hyunji from the start.

“L-love or whatever, let’s put that aside for now.”

“You’re so cold, Mari. That’s mean.”

“Anyway! About Keith, Florence-nim.”

Mari lowered her voice, as if wary someone might hear, even though it was just the two of us in the room.

“What about Keith?”

Her small lips moved silently a few times before closing. After hesitating, Mari spoke.

“Do you… trust him?”