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Chapter 145
In the room where Arellin slept.
Having been banished by Mehen’s expulsion order and only recently returned, Ludwig sat down beside the bed where Valer had spent the past week.
Now that Mehen and Valer had gone to Mehen’s office, there was no one left here who could stop Ludwig.
“……”
The retainers of House Halbern glanced at him nervously, but Ludwig didn’t care. He simply looked down at the child, fast asleep in deep slumber.
She was small.
So small that he was afraid she might break if he touched her wrong.
Fear, worry, impatience, unease—
All emotions that the arrogant Ludwig had never known before.
“……”
His throat felt dry; Ludwig swallowed hard and closed his eyes. He hadn’t slept properly for days. Blood vessels had burst in his eyes from the lack of rest.
“My lord.”
“……”
“You must rest.”
His loyal shadow spoke up, risking his life to offer honest counsel—but Ludwig neither scolded nor dismissed him.
To be exact, he simply didn’t have the energy to.
Every part of his consciousness was fixed solely on the sound of the child’s faint breathing.
For the past week, Arellin had not awakened.
Watching everything that had happened in this room, Ludwig had come to learn far more than he’d expected.
That Arellin had been frail since she was a baby, that she had essentially been given a terminal prognosis, that she needed to take her “medicine” once every cycle, and that she didn’t have much time left.
That the fact she was even alive until now was a miracle—one owed entirely to Valer.
Strange, he thought.
He had assumed Valer had lived a happy and comfortable life. Yet the truth had been horrific—and that didn’t feel satisfying at all.
He’d wanted her to crawl through hell just as he had. But seeing her already mired in her own kind of hell… left him with an odd, uncomfortable feeling.
Was this pity? Sympathy?
Me? Feeling sorry for Valer?
As the one who had, by accident, come closest to discovering Halbern’s true reality, Ludwig understood now just how much Valer had carried on her back.
And even that unpleasant regret born from this realization…
Shione.
Did you know? Did you know that your beloved younger sister would have to wade through such filth?
That your daughter would be afflicted by an unknown illness?
That every choice you made—all the choices you made out of love—would only bring misery to those you loved most?
He wanted to laugh. To sneer. But no laughter came.
Everything just felt… damned and hollow.
“I thought I was the only one rolling in hell…”
But that wasn’t true, was it?
Since Shione’s death, Ludwig had been trapped in that exact moment—her dying moment.
Unable to go back, unable to move on.
When he slept, he saw Shione hating him; when he woke, he was still chained to the instant she died.
Where had things gone wrong?
What should he have done differently?
His mind seethed with a foolish wish—to rewrite the past.
And if that was impossible, then this time he would destroy everything.
He would ruin her so completely that Shione could never slip away from him again.
If he could not be loved, then he would settle for being hated—anything, as long as she was still bound to him.
He knew he wasn’t sane.
From the moment he found Arellin, he had lost his reason. He hadn’t thought of the political consequences or the international implications—he had simply taken her.
He knew it was madness.
But the moment he had her in his arms, he had sworn to himself that this time, no matter how broken things became, he would keep her by his side.
So then—
“Why won’t she wake up?”
That tiny body, collapsing in fever, writhing in pain while he could do nothing but watch—
The helplessness of realizing he knew nothing about this child, and could do nothing for her—
The fear that if things continued this way, he might really lose Arellin.
“Why won’t you wake up? Why…?”
The sight of her, still and motionless like a corpse, felt unfamiliar.
He could still see the memories—her bright smile at Roch Castle, her chatter, her mischief. Acting like any other child her age, as if she had no troubles at all.
Now his chest tightened. He couldn’t breathe properly. His hands trembled. His palms covered his face, but that did nothing to hide the crushing reality before him.
Time, which had stood still for so long, suddenly began to flow again for Ludwig.
And then—
Terrible regret came crashing in.
* * *
Mehen’s Office.
A long and tangled recounting of the past had just come to an end.
Valer’s story was scattered and confusing, but Mehen’s sharp insight allowed him to follow it all.
The secret, fatal scandal of the previous generation of House Halbern—entangling Shione, the former Duke Halbern, and Regent Duke Ludwig.
“I see…”
The secret, fatal scandal of the previous Halbern family—Shione, the former duke, and Ludwig.
And…
Why Valer had changed.
“Valer.”
“It’s all right, Mehen.”
Valer smiled, as she always did.
“I disgust myself too.”
“……”
An indescribable emotion stirred within Mehen.
He remembered when they were children—how Valer had vanished for a long time, then returned with that faint, clouded smile. The things she said back then—I want to run away. I miss my sister.
Moments he’d never been able to respond to properly now caught in his throat.
Seeing his expression, Valer gave a fragile laugh.
“What’s wrong? Do you hate me now?”
“No, it’s not that…”
Looking at Valer—so broken that she could no longer tell reality from delusion, right from wrong—Mehen didn’t know what expression to wear.
“How did you even endure it? I was there, wasn’t I? By your side… So why couldn’t I…”
He’d thought Valer was just a little strange, never imagining that this was what lay behind that unease.
“I never thought…”
That she had been drowning in such a mire.
Watching Mehen struggle with guilt, Valer laughed.
“What, do I suddenly seem pitiful to you?”
“……”
Mehen swallowed hard, unable to answer.
“Yeah, I used to wonder why someone who had everything could look so miserable.”
“Right? Like you said, I have everything.”
Her long lashes lowered slightly.
“Then why…”
“……”
“Why couldn’t I save my sister?”
Her eyes, darkened with shadow, turned a deep violet.
“I wouldn’t have minded giving up everything.”
“……”
“I could have sacrificed anything.”
Valer gave a bitter laugh.
“Why am I always too late?”
“Valer…”
“I was late—twice.”
In the end, she hadn’t even been able to save her sister.
Seeing her torment, Mehen reached out his hand.
“It’s not your fault.”
“It is my fault.”
“How can you say that—”
“If I hadn’t existed, she wouldn’t have made that choice.”
That was why Valer could never go against Shione—
The sister who had said, Take care of Arellin, and Leave me behind.
Arellin.
There had never been a time when she wasn’t important—never a time she wasn’t precious.
At first, she was her sister’s legacy.
At times, the final thread connecting her to Shione.
At others, a duty—perhaps even the only remaining reason and purpose in her life.
But not once had Valer’s blind devotion ever been because of Arellin herself.
Love? Could she even love? Someone as broken as her?
It would be a lie to say there was no resentment. Arellin was precious—but also a burden.
That was what Arellin meant to Valer.
She didn’t think she could love her.
But she thought—maybe—she could at least save her.
So she had tried. So hard.
Valer recalled the past week.
The sight of Arellin sleeping endlessly, unresponsive, overlapped with countless dreams she had seen before—
Arellin, cold and lifeless, never to wake again.
That nightmare memory clung to her; she could not escape it.
And the strange, nameless emotion that had boiled up during the waiting—it too was unfamiliar.
“…Dad.”
The first time she had ever been called Dad.
Their first conversation.
Her first smile.
Was that the problem?
When she raised the child herself, Arellin would die before she could even speak.
When she left her in others’ care, Arellin would die before she could return.
A small body. A warm touch.
That was all that had remained in her memory of her daughter.
So perhaps this was her punishment.
Her head throbbed. Her vision blurred. As another illusion overlapped before her eyes, she clenched her teeth.
“Lord Mehen! Your Grace!”
The office doors burst open as Dillon shouted—
“The young lady has awakened!”
