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chapter 81
Why.
That word summed up Lorinus’s entire day.
He couldn’t concentrate on anything. No matter how many times he read through the documents, nothing stuck in his head. Irritated, he flipped the papers roughly and ended up tearing two sheets before finally admitting he couldn’t go on and rose from his seat.
It was even worse when he tried correcting the knights’ postures and giving them guidance. Distracted, he wandered right into the middle of their sparring and nearly got struck by a swinging sword. If he hadn’t reflexively dodged, he might have suffered a serious injury.
In the end, Lorinus had no choice but to cancel all his schedules and return home. Staying would only make him a hindrance.
“……”
As he sat in the carriage on the way back, Lorinus kept mulling it over.
Why had he been like that?
Why was he so irritable?
It had been ages since he had last lost control of himself like this. Not since he was a four-year-old boy, unable to swing a wooden sword properly.
“You’re home early?”
The moment he stepped out of the carriage and saw her face, the taut string of his nerves eased slightly.
“Did something happen?”
The worry in Naery’s expression almost made him feel lighter.
He couldn’t explain why. He liked it when she scolded him with a fiery temper. He liked it when she looked at him with concern like this.
To the point where, absurdly, he almost missed the days he’d been bedridden. If Lorinus weren’t a sensible adult, he might even have faked a mild illness—claiming a headache, or a stomachache from lunch—just to lie in bed and see Naery’s worried gaze hovering over him.
“I just had some free time, so I came home early.”
Fortunately, he was not out of his mind—just slightly irritated—and he was still a dignified adult. He didn’t want Naery to worry unnecessarily, so that was what he told her.
“Have you eaten?”
At her question, Lorinus nodded.
“Then shall I prepare some tea?”
He nodded again. He liked the tea she brought him, whether she brewed it herself or left it to the maids—it didn’t matter. What mattered was that it came from her.
“Shall I bring it to the study?”
He would have preferred to relax in the bedroom with it, but he simply nodded without complaint.
Even he didn’t quite understand why he wanted to be in the bedroom during the day, at a time when he should be working. And he certainly couldn’t explain it to Naery.
She nodded as if she understood everything, even adding a smile before turning to head toward the kitchen. Watching her back retreat, Lorinus went to the study.
“……”
The moment he stepped inside, he felt a small shock.
Without realizing it, the deep crease that had carved itself into his brow was gone. He had been scowling all day—anyone who saw him might have thought he was suffering a terrible migraine.
And it wasn’t just his face. His body had felt heavy, unwilling to move freely. Even his sword swings had felt sluggish. But now—
His movement as he closed the door was light. Looking back, even his steps down the corridor had been light.
“……”
Lorinus dropped heavily into the chair at his desk once more.
“Have I finally gone mad…?”
He’d heard that when swordsmanship reached a certain level, it could drive a person insane. Not only swordsmanship, but anyone who reached a peak in their field might brush against madness.
That was why so many brilliant scholars and renowned artists were also lunatics.
His master had once told him, seeing in him the makings of a Sword Master, that he must beware of such madness.
Lorinus had scoffed at the warning.
Not because of some vague overconfidence that he would never go mad, but because he was the type of man who simply didn’t experience such intense emotions.
Even when enemies charged him, even when he was cut off and waiting for reinforcements that might never come, even when a blade was buried deep in his own body—he remained calm.
His eyes were like a still lake, but Lorinus de Winchester was the driest man in the world.
But today… he was different.
He couldn’t control his emotions. Irritation bubbled up unprovoked. Without proof, he found himself wishing George was the culprit, and even imagining punishing him with his own hands.
Not only was he unable to work, but even his beloved training couldn’t hold his focus.
So he had returned home—and only now felt better. For no reason at all!
“I’ve brought the tea.”
When Naery entered with the tray, Lorinus froze. A pleasant fragrance brushed his senses the moment she stepped in.
It wasn’t just a floral scent, though that was part of it. Perhaps it was because the tea she brought was flower tea, or maybe because she had handled flowers, or perhaps Naery herself carried that fragrance.
Whatever it was, the scent calmed him. His heart settled. The stormy waves within him stilled into quiet waters.
Why?
Even this sudden tranquility troubled him. Just as sudden storms were unnerving, the calm before a storm was equally unsettling.
“My dear?”
Her voice snapped him out of his spiraling thoughts.
Worried, deep-brown eyes gazed into his own. Seeing Naery’s genuine concern made fear strike Lorinus’s heart.
Ah. Your wife is… a beauty as well.
That was how it started.
And she’s clever. Strong-willed, too.
The damned voice of George—source of all his irritation and restlessness—rang again in his head.
When George mentioned Daniel, Lorinus had been furious. He’d wanted to silence the man immediately, forbid him from speaking of his daughter.
But when George spoke of Naery…
An emotion Lorinus didn’t recognize seized him. It wasn’t exactly anger. Not murderous rage either. It was closer to… irritation.
And that unsettled him deeply, for he had never in his life experienced such feelings before. He didn’t know how to deal with this new blend of annoyance and impatience.
Finally, he understood the answer to his question of why.
Equivalent exchange.
Naery had taught him kindness and warmth. She had given him comfort, safety, emotions he had never known, and a whole family of his own.
But not everything could be good.
Now, what she had given him was something darker. Irritation and restlessness. Obsession and confusion. Emotions that slipped out of his control.
“My dear?”
When Lorinus didn’t respond, Naery called to him again. He looked dazed—his body present, but his spirit far away.
It was unlike him. That was why she worried.
The argument from yesterday, the hurt she had felt—none of it mattered now. Not when she saw him like this.
He looks like he’s lost his senses…
She debated waving a hand in front of his eyes, worried she might need to summon a doctor immediately instead of sitting here with tea.
“I’m fine.”
Lorinus’s calm reply eased her somewhat.
“Thank you for the tea.”
His hand on the teacup, his expression—both had returned to normal. So Naery assumed he was simply tired today, and that was why he’d come home early. She had long worried he might overwork himself to the point of collapse.
She never noticed the turmoil still rippling in his blue eyes. She didn’t see how he stared at her for a long moment, only to turn his head away, unable to meet her gaze.
All she could hope was that, at the very least, Lorinus would stop pushing himself so hard
