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Chapter 2
If only everything could disappear the moment I opened my eyes, like the ancient magic that had long since faded into nothing more than a forgotten legend.
But magic had vanished from the world long ago.
There was no way what had already happened could simply be undone.
More importantly, magic existed only to serve the Imperial Family.
There was no chance it would ever come to someone like me—someone who now stood in direct opposition to them.
Magic was nothing more than a foolish wish.
Reality was… reality.
I slowly forced my heavy eyelids open and sat up.
“My Lady, you’re awake?”
As soon as I threw back the blankets, my personal maid, Jenna, hurried to my side with a worried expression.
Still dazed, I stepped out of bed.
“Has Father left?”
“Yes. Head Butler Derrick personally escorted him all the way to his carriage. The Count refused to leave, so Sir Derrick had the knights see him off.”
“Derrick must have had a difficult time.”
“I’m more worried about the Count. I have a feeling he’ll come back and cause trouble again.”
Jenna sighed as she gently combed through my tangled hair.
“What on earth did the two of you talk about? You actually fainted… I’ve never seen that happen before. You scared us all.”
She shook her head anxiously.
Jenna had followed me all the way from the North.
She knew me so well that she could read my feelings with nothing more than a glance.
No matter how many times I told her to return home, she stubbornly refused, insisting she couldn’t leave because she worried about me.
She was always on my side.
If she had heard what Father said…
She would have been far angrier than I was.
She probably would have showered him with every curse imaginable.
Knowing Jenna’s sharp tongue…
It wouldn’t have been surprising.
So…
This was something only I should know.
I quietly chose to remain silent.
“His Grace will be home late again today?”
“I don’t know. Lately he hasn’t been telling anyone when he’ll return. He doesn’t even eat at the estate anymore, so even Head Butler Derrick doesn’t know.”
“I see…”
Should I tell him?
Or should I keep my mouth shut?
Should I tell him that the source of every hardship tormenting him had finally revealed himself?
That we no longer needed to avoid each other?
That everything had been my father’s and the Crown Prince’s scheme?
That he no longer needed to suffer because of it?
…
But after all this time…
After I’d screamed until my throat was raw that everything was a misunderstanding…
Would he even believe me now?
He had already surrendered to what his own eyes had shown him.
Besides…
The two of us were already trapped in a swamp that neither of us seemed capable of escaping.
As daylight slowly faded…
Until the world was swallowed by endless darkness…
Until he finally returned…
I continued agonizing over the answer.
Ironically…
The thing that finally gave me my answer was something completely insignificant.
* * *
Strangely enough…
Whenever my husband came home drunk…
He always looked for me.
Even though our marriage had already fallen apart…
He searched for me every single night.
And if I wasn’t there…
He would become even more violent.
Once, Jenna had cautiously told me,
“I think His Grace can only relax after confirming you’re beside him every night.”
“It’s almost as if his instincts search for you.”
But…
Could today’s interrogation really be dismissed as nothing more than instinct?
Where had I gone?
Who had I met?
I stood before him like a criminal, doing everything I could to keep my face expressionless.
“What did you do today?”
Just like always.
He returned only after darkness had become so deep that nothing could be seen without a lamp.
As he staggered while changing his clothes, he questioned me with an indifferent voice.
“I stayed at the estate all day. You can ask Derrick.”
“Hah.”
“Derrick always takes your side.”
“So who exactly am I supposed to believe?”
His drunken sarcasm filled the room.
It wasn’t that his speech was slurred.
Although the scent of strong liquor clung heavily to him…
The real proof was something else.
Unlike his usual cold indifference…
Tonight every word stabbed directly into my heart.
This was how he always behaved when he was heavily intoxicated.
He asked me question after question…
Only to mock both my answers and anyone who might defend me.
Yet at the same time…
His eyes looked at me with an expression I could never answer.
His words desperately tried to wound me.
But his eyes…
Looked even more wounded than mine.
Was he begging me to understand?
Or did he not even realize he was making that expression?
Whichever it was…
It was a face I could never respond to.
And today…
Like every other day…
He continued questioning me.
Without pause.
Without end.
“What did you eat for lunch today?”
“Did any invitations arrive?”
“You haven’t secretly exchanged letters with the Crown Prince behind my back again… have you?”
“Has Derrick hidden anything for you?”
“If he has, tell me now.”
“Before I order someone to search your room.”
“Please…”
“Just stay quietly at home.”
“You didn’t leave without my permission again… did you?”
He kept asking.
Again.
And again.
As though he truly believed these endless questions would ease his anxiety.
When he first began asking these meaningless questions…
I answered every one of them honestly.
Because if doing so could lessen his doubts…
Even a little…
That alone would have been enough for me.
But hope…
Was only hope.
My answers never satisfied him.
He simply continued asking the same questions in different ways.
Almost…
As though he were waiting for me to finally admit that I had betrayed him.
“Can’t you cause trouble quietly like other noblewomen?”
“No…”
“Wouldn’t it be better if you simply acted like you were dead?”
“Why is it always you who throws the entire Empire into chaos?”
It wasn’t my fault.
I didn’t do anything.
“If this was how things were going to end…”
“Why did you choose me in the first place?”
“Did you want to see the proud House Fontaine destroyed?”
Because I truly loved you.
I never wanted any of this either.
“I can’t believe a single word you say.”
“How much longer am I supposed to endure this?”
Why won’t you believe me anymore?
Do you even regret loving me now?
“I should never have married you.”
“If we’d remained lovers…”
“I could have abandoned you whenever I wanted.”
…
They were words I had heard countless times before.
Words I should have become numb to.
So why…
Did they tear my heart apart today?
“I never should have believed…”
“…you.”
“…or your love.”
Ashiard…
I…
“Please…”
“Just disappear from my sight.”
His eyes overflowed with hatred.
His voice held nothing but contempt.
He poured every ounce of resentment he possessed into those words.
…
Yes.
Perhaps…
It would have been better if we’d never met.
Then…
Wouldn’t you have suffered less than you do now?
“If…”
“If we’re ever born again…”
“I’ll never meet you again, Eloise.”
The moment I heard those words…
Something inside my heart snapped.
At the same time…
I realized something with absolute certainty.
My remaining by his side…
Was no longer helping him.
And at last…
I understood the one thing I could still do for him.
* * *
The answer had already been decided.
There had never been a need to search for it.
After exhausting himself with curses and accusations…
He finally fell asleep.
I stood beside him for a long time without moving.
Even after saying all those things…
He still looked tormented, even in his dreams.
If only he could at least sleep peacefully.
Quietly watching him…
I unconsciously reached out my hand.
Then stopped.
Long ago…
Whenever nightmares from his childhood haunted him…
I would gently stroke his hair until he calmed down.
Now…
It was nothing more than a faded memory from another lifetime.
Afraid my hand might accidentally touch him…
I slowly withdrew it and turned away.
If I touched him now…
His nightmares would only grow darker.
“My Lady, has His Grace fallen asleep?”
As I stepped outside and closed the door, Jenna hurried over.
I nodded lightly and continued walking.
Tomorrow morning…
He would wake up and leave for work as though nothing had happened.
The alcohol clouded his memories so thoroughly that he rarely remembered what he had said the night before.
Then…
He would spend another sleepless night tortured by the latest gossip he had heard about me.
The same days.
Again…
And again…
Without end.
Unless one of us finally gave something up.
“Jenna.”
“You should go rest as well.”
“My bed is already prepared.”
“W-What?”
“But My Lady, it’s my duty to stay until you’ve gone to sleep.”
I stopped and gestured for her to leave.
She stubbornly shook her head.
Kind.
Faithful Jenna.
I smiled faintly and gently pushed her toward the hallway.
“It’s alright.”
“Come later tomorrow.”
“I’d like to sleep in.”
“But, My Lady…”
“Go.”
Seeing that I wouldn’t change my mind, Jenna reluctantly left.
I watched until she disappeared.
Then I slowly walked toward my room.
Only a few steps away from Ashiard’s.
As I walked…
I thought about the last thing I could ever do for him.
Back in my room…
I wrote him a short letter.
It began with an apology.
And in the end…
It ended with one as well.
What else could I possibly say?
His life had been ruined because of me.
Shattered by my father’s greed.
Although the letter wasn’t long…
Memories of our life together blurred my vision.
My hands trembled so violently that I had to carefully rewrite every sentence.
The ink smeared over and over again.
I lost count of how many times I started over.
Finally…
After writing the last line—
I’m sorry.
—I hesitated.
Then I added one more sentence.
If there is another life…
Please, let us never meet again.
What he had given me…
Was a happiness so profound I could never hope to repay it.
He gave me a love more precious than anything I had ever received.
For the first time in my life…
The emptiness in my heart had been completely filled.
Who else but him…
Could ever have made me feel that way?
But I had never been able to give him anything in return.
The only thing left that I could offer…
Was this pitiful wish.
A wish that would probably never come true.
Perhaps nothing more than empty words.
I quietly steadied my trembling hands.
Folded the letter neatly.
Placed it where he would easily find it on the bedside table.
Then…
Raising the dagger in my hand…
I slowly closed my eyes.
