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Chapter 10
No… it’s not that he isn’t cute, but…
Why does he look so tired?
He already seemed low on energy yesterday at lunch, but now it looked really serious.
Even so, Amon, with his exhausted face, still managed to smile faintly and greet me.
“…Good morning.”
“I’m fine, but… can I take a closer look at you for a moment?”
You don’t look fine at all.
I walked up to him, gently cupped his small face with both hands, and lifted it slightly.
Amon forced his bloodshot, half-closed eyes open and met my gaze.
His skin, which was already pale like dough, now looked even more colorless and hollow.
He looked like an office worker worn out from days of overtime.
…No, seriously, what’s wrong with him?!
Was he unable to sleep well because he suddenly moved from a cramped room to a large one?
Even though I’d given him a better environment, maybe the sudden change had affected him badly. Should I have changed his bedding gradually?
All kinds of assumptions ran through my head.
I had never taken care of a child before. I had simply changed things according to what I thought was best.
Maybe I should have been more careful.
Holding back my rising self-blame, I forced a gentle expression and asked softly,
“Was your bed uncomfortable? Your face looks half-gone… Was it hard to adjust to such a big room all of a sudden?”
“No, not at all. The room is really nice, and I’ve been sleeping well….”
“……”
Liar. It’s written all over your face—you’re exhausted.
Hmm. When a child tells such an obvious lie, what’s the reason?
…I honestly have no idea.
Of course I wouldn’t. I’d never dealt with a child before.
I couldn’t scold him. Should I persuade him again? Or maybe he really slept well, but he was sick and hadn’t recovered?
“Did you really sleep well, Amon?”
“…Yes, of course.”
He answered a beat too late and gave me a small smile.
It was painfully pitiful.
You don’t have to force yourself to smile when you’re tired.
Why is a child his age trying to reassure an adult?
But if I said that now, it would only burden him emotionally, so I held back.
“Are you sure you’re not sick anywhere?”
“…I’m really fine, Sister. Nothing hurts. I drank all the milk you gave me and went to bed early.”
He’s flustered. He’s calling me “Sister” again.
He was trying to act calm, but at this distance, I could see his pupils shaking.
“Then I’ll call the doctor. Sorry, Amon, but anyone can see you’re not okay right now. If you’re not sick, that’s even more serious. Eva, please bring the physician.”
When I called for the doctor with a serious face, Eva bowed and started to leave.
Seeing that, Amon hurriedly grabbed my sleeve.
“No, no! Sister, I’m really not sick. Actually… I just, I couldn’t sleep much. So…”
Anxiety and panic were now clearly visible on his face.
What could have made him so uneasy?
I gestured for Eva to wait, then gently took Amon’s hand, which was still clutching my sleeve, into mine.
His small hand was cold and damp—whether from fear or illness, I couldn’t tell.
“Alright. Then it’d be better for you to sleep more and eat later. Let’s go upstairs.”
“……”
Amon stared at our joined hands and nodded instead of answering.
I didn’t let go as we walked.
By the time we reached his room, his hand had warmed slightly from my body heat.
I laid him down on the bed. He looked up at me blankly.
“I didn’t think it would take time for you to adjust to the new room. But you can’t go back to that storage room, so please bear with it a little.”
“…I like this room. I didn’t lose sleep because I’m unfamiliar with it.”
“I’m glad you like it. Then why couldn’t you sleep? Are you scared because it’s too big? If so, I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”
For a nine-year-old, a room that big might feel frightening.
“…No, I’m not scared.”
Even as he answered, his eyes were more than half closed, and his voice was growing weaker.
Still, he kept blinking hard, as if trying not to fall asleep.
…Wait. I put him to bed so he could sleep, and now he’s fighting it?
“If you’re sleepy, just sleep. I won’t talk anymore.”
“…I’m not sleepy. Please keep talking. I like hearing your voice.”
“Your eyes are already half shut. I’ll stay here until you fall asleep, so don’t worry.”
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I brushed his bangs back and whispered softly.
Amon kept blinking rapidly as he looked up at me.
“Sister, I’m sorry you couldn’t eat because of me. And…”
He tried to keep talking, as if he felt obligated to, but frowned when he couldn’t think of what to say.
“No, I wasn’t hungry. Hmm… I put you to bed, but it seems like you can’t sleep because of me. Should I leave? Wouldn’t that be more comfortable?”
Come to think of it, even if I was technically his sister, just a few days ago we were practically strangers.
There was no way he’d suddenly feel comfortable with me.
I started to stand, thinking it might be better to give him space.
But Amon hurriedly reached out and grabbed me.
His hand was still cold and damp.
I narrowed my eyes slightly.
A faint trembling traveled from the arm he was holding.
His pale face twisted as if he were about to cry, yet no tears fell.
He looked painfully accustomed to suppressing his feelings.
That made my chest ache.
He opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to speak.
Finally, as if he had made up his mind, he slowly parted his lips.
“…Actually, I don’t want to fall asleep.”
I held his hand properly instead of pulling away and listened carefully.
“I’m afraid I’ll go back to that room… I wanted to stay with you for a long time… If I fall asleep, I feel like I’ll realize this was all a dream… So I didn’t want to sleep.”
“……”
What could I say?
My throat tightened, and I couldn’t speak for a moment.
To him, was this moment so unreal that it felt like a dream?
This ordinary, everyday life.
It was heartbreaking.
And infuriating.
At the Duke and the real Rieli, who had left him like this.
And at myself, for not noticing how unstable he was.
Caught in the storm of emotions inside me, my voice came out low and heavy.
“…Amon, just in case… did you not sleep at all yesterday and today?”
I couldn’t control my expression.
He hesitated, then reluctantly answered.
“…Yes.”
“Because you were afraid that if you slept, you’d wake up to reality?”
“…Yes. If I didn’t sleep… maybe I could stay here… where you look at me… forever…”
How low must his expectations of reality be for him to think like that?
How much attention—from his sister… no, from his family—had he longed for?
“I’m not going to ignore you, Amon. From now on, even if you don’t like it, I’m going to interfere in your life. In dreams and in reality, I’ll always stay by your side as your guardian…”
So please, sleep peacefully.
I gently stroked his hair as he drifted off and fell silent.
I knew he wasn’t in his right mind from lack of sleep, but I still wanted to say those words.
He probably had never received even this small amount of care before.
To cling desperately even to simple kindness—like changing rooms or eating together—that anyone could give.
After watching his sleeping face for a moment, I left the room.
Outside, I spoke to Edgar Berg, Amon’s attendant, who was waiting.
“Don’t wake him until he gets up on his own. When he wakes, report to me immediately.”
“Yes, Miss.”
I went to my room across the hall and half-collapsed onto the sofa, covering my eyes with my arm.
“…Seriously. Haah…”
What did he even do wrong? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I tried to calm myself with slow breaths, but it didn’t work. Anger welled up until my chest felt like it would burst.
On the outside, he looked fine—smart, even.
But inside, he was completely rotting.
Only now did I truly realize it.
He had grown up without his mother and with an indifferent father—during the most important years of childhood.
Without proper love or attention, he had grown up alone.
I had never lived in an environment like his, so I couldn’t claim to fully understand his feelings.
And even if I knew how damaged he was inside, there wasn’t much I could do beyond what I was doing now.
The future looked darker than I’d expected.
But Amon was already under my responsibility.
The weight of being responsible for a child was heavier than I’d imagined.
Still, that weight made my resolve stronger.
“Yeah. What else can I do? It’s not like I didn’t know at all… I’ll just do my best.”
I’ll give him more attention in place of the Duke.
I’ll praise him and cherish him.
I chose to stand by Amon and hold his hand.
So it’s only right that I carry that responsibility.
Even though the road ahead is still long, I’ll face reality properly and help him move toward something better.
That is my role as his guardian.
