🔊 TTS Settings
Chapter 23
The sound of a door closing echoed through the room.
From the fireplace came the crackle of burning logs, and the air was thick and heavy with warmth.
But my heart felt like it was about to burst from tension. When did Russell notice me? Ever since my days as a gutter rat, hiding my presence and holding my breath had been my specialty.
When exactly did he find out?
I was bewildered.
If he had noticed from the beginning, that meant Russell had calmly responded to Frater’s conversation while knowing I was there — and simply pretended not to.
“When did you realize I was there?”
“Hm. From the moment you started holding your breath behind the door — to the very end.”
For a moment I wondered if my senses had dulled because it was so early in the morning, but then I immediately withdrew the thought.
No — it’s more accurate to say that Russell is just exceptionally good at detecting hidden presences.
Following his lead, I took his hand and sat down on a soft leather sofa. Russell waited until I was seated before taking his place behind his desk chair.
“So, why were you wandering around?”
I wasn’t wandering — I came looking for you.
But when I tried to say it out loud, my lips wouldn’t move. Saying I came in the middle of the night made me sound like a lunatic.
“Lord Russell, I… I have something to ask you.”
“Ask anything.”
His answer was languid, his voice carrying a hint of drowsiness. My lips finally parted with effort, and after hesitating over what to ask, the first thing that came to mind slipped out.
“My stick… the detection function isn’t working.”
Russell looked puzzled.
“That only works around dawn.”
“I see.”
His expression seemed to say, You came all this way just to ask that?
But I hid my unease and said nothing more.
Then Russell stood and walked somewhere out of sight.
What’s that sound? I heard liquid sloshing inside a bottle, glass clinking softly.
“Anyway, why were you trying to use your detection ability at this hour?”
So my excuse did sound flimsy. I stammered, flustered.
“Th-that’s because…”
“You ran out of excuses, didn’t you? Just tell me the truth.”
I opened my mouth several times to make up something — but nothing came out.
In the end, I gave up and decided to tell him honestly.
“I want to know why my father — the Duke of Kalidus — wants to go through with this engagement, just as he introduced it.”
“That’s a rather unexpected question.”
If the engagement had truly been for the sake of alliance and mutual benefit between noble houses, it would have made sense to offer my older sister Lena — the perfectly normal one — not me.
So why did Russell choose me instead of her?
I heard the sound of liquid being poured into a crystal glass. The sharp, tangy scent told me it was alcohol.
Wine?
I asked him, “You drink alcohol?”
“Piana, do you realize that’s quite an insult to a Northerner?”
“What?”
His incredulous tone made me want to ask what I’d done wrong.
“Northerners are known for their drinking. Asking if we can handle alcohol is like calling someone from the South a man who doesn’t even know the taste of liquor — it’s practically an insult.”
“I didn’t mean it that way, I swear.”
I’d heard that people from cold regions drink strong liquor to stay warm, but I hadn’t known that asking if someone could drink was considered offensive.
“But you’re from the capital, aren’t you?”
“I was. Now I’m a Northerner.”
As he swallowed the wine, I could picture his throat moving, a drop of red trailing down the corner of his lips as he wiped it away with his thumb.
I turned my head sharply.
What an indecent thought.
Since I’d learned his face, I’d been like this constantly — completely flustered.
“I thought someone as clever as you would already know the reason,” he said. “In fact, I was planning to ask you instead.”
“If I knew, I wouldn’t have been thrown out of the duke’s house.”
I leaned back against the sofa.
Thinking about whatever scheme the Duke of Kalidus might have in mind suddenly made me feel exhausted.
“I have nothing.”
There’s nothing in me at all.
Because my soul is still trapped in the gutter.
“When I was born, I didn’t cry. My mother said she was terrified. My father… he traveled across the empire trying to make me open my eyes.”
The sound of wine being sipped reached me. I continued speaking.
“He sought out every famous priest there was, but nothing worked. Eventually, he lost interest in me.”
Russell didn’t say anything. What kind of expression was he wearing now, I wondered?
He’d told me once he didn’t pity me, so I couldn’t easily imagine his face.
“But if he’s planning to use me now — to lure you in somehow — I won’t let it happen.”
I won’t.
Once was enough — to be used and thrown away by someone.
Click. Russell set his crystal glass down on the table.
“What do you want to do about it?”
His voice was steadier and more serious than ever, with no trace of drunkenness.
What did I want to do?
I clenched my skirt tightly without answering.
“Don’t you feel resentful?”
His voice seemed to reach deep inside me, brushing the raw part of my heart.
“Your half-sister, your stepmother — didn’t you ever resent them? You didn’t choose to be born this way.”
Their cruelty was nothing compared to what the gutter rats had done to me, but it still hurt.
In that mansion, I was an outsider — a shadow.
“I had you secretly investigated,” Russell said. “I know how they treated you. If you stay engaged to me, I can make them kneel before you and beg for forgiveness.”
Was it really okay for him to admit that so brazenly?
But what unsettled me more was his offer — that he could make my sister and the Duchess kneel and apologize.
Russell held power greater than any noble family.
And more than that — his blood was imperial.
I forced my lips to move.
“If I said I didn’t resent them… that’d be a lie.”
My nails dug into my palms hard enough to hurt. I had no affection for them — only hatred. They had everything, yet they delighted in tormenting me, who had nothing.
I never understood why.
But living with them taught me one thing.
“Even if you made them apologize, my sister and the Duchess wouldn’t mean it.”
Even if they were dragged to the North, even if they had to bite their tongues, they’d never sincerely apologize.
Rather than waste time on that, I knew what I had to do.
“You asked what I want to do? I don’t want their apologies. Because I know they wouldn’t be sincere anyway.”
Let them not apologize.
After all, I’d never forgive them either.
I turned my head toward the direction of Russell’s voice.
“Whatever scheme my father’s planning to pull using me — don’t worry about it.”
That’s not your burden to bear. It’s mine.
“As you said, if someone tries to kill me, I’ll bite their throat out if I have to. So you don’t have to worry.”
Was it my imagination, or did his eyes look… lonely?
After a long silence, Russell spoke again, his voice dry and low.
“I might never be able to understand you.”
I smiled faintly.
“That’s fine by me.”
Because for once, I’d seen a glimpse of something human beneath Russell’s composed exterior — and that alone made me strangely happy.
