AMGWPM 10

Episode 10. In an Unknown Land (5)

The two hands placed on the keys were slow to move. Because I was lost in thought about what memory to play the keys with.
Even so, I had to play, so I slowly moved my hands. White keys and black keys brushed past my fingers. It was an act to find what my hands wanted to play, since I didn’t know what piece to play.

‘If even that didn’t work, I’d ask someone nearby.’

Anyway, ‘someone nearby’ was just Close friend and his wife Lucy. Ah, and the cute Danika too.
Regardless, besides Close friend family, there were a few more, but most of the time, I played the piano alone.
I slightly turned my eyes, glancing sideways at Jung Mi-rae. Looking at Jung Mi-rae, somehow my own wrist also seemed to tingle. Others might not know, but I didn’t speak of the pain. It had been that way until now.
Long ago, when I hurt my wrist, I didn’t tell people about it. Not even Close friend. I was afraid that if the person who had betrayed me found out my wrist hurt, they would kick me out. I was scared that the barely grasped opportunity would scatter like sand before it could even bloom. However, as time passed, the roots of pain growing in my wrist gradually thickened. Wedging between muscles and growing, gnawing at the bone. I was defeated by the pain.

‘Close friend saw my swollen wrist and told me to rest. It was fortunate that that person was away traveling far at that time.’

During the short time given, I rested diligently.
Perhaps thanks to resting diligently? It was fortunate that I could play the piano for a long time even after that.

“Heeseong, what’s wrong?”

As I was lost in my own thoughts, Jung Mi-rae spoke to me. I turned my head completely and looked straight at her. She was smiling slightly, but it was somewhat empty. Eyes I had seen often somewhere.

“I’m thinking.”

Actually, the piece to play was already decided. From an Unknown Land. My heart was screaming that I had to play this piece.
It felt like if I started playing, the past would vividly come to mind. Also, I wanted to let Jung Mi-rae know a little about what feelings I was playing with.

“Phew…”

So, a small force was transmitted onto the keys. The small ten fingers slowly began to walk across the keys.

‘I can’t play the original piece. But….’

Because 5-year-old fingers couldn’t play the original piece, I had to slightly change the piece to something I could play. The original piece sometimes had the left hand accompaniment played an octave higher. From low C to high C. That was a performance possible only as an adult. So, I would only play from C to G. I gave the task that the left hand should do.
Closing my eyes, I focused on the sound of the piano strings.

‘What if I hide this!’

And a voice was heard. The thin hand slowly playing the piano momentarily became thicker. In my eyes, there was a relic from a bygone era, not a modern electronic device. Things from memories that become vivid when you try to forget them. And Close friend hand that treated me. It was the memory from the time I hurt my wrist.

‘If I say I’m hurt, they’ll kick me out. In this era, someone like me is discarded when they become useless.’

I recited it desolately. At the time, I thought that was right. The way for a pianist from a slave family to survive was to play the piano every day. I couldn’t even think of any other method. I learned that performing the mission given to me was the only way to prove my usefulness. It was too late when I realized that was wrong.

Dan- Daan-♪

Do- Re- Mi- Sol-
The right hand slowly played the notes. Extending the notes, playing softly, slowly like reeds blown by the wind.
This piece was originally like that. Since it was composed by an adult longing for childhood, there were no difficult techniques.
But the piece was still difficult for small hands to play. An adult cannot become a child, but a child can become an adult.
Jung Mi-rae must have practiced this piece since she was young. She first appeared on TV at 16, but she must have made bloody efforts even before that. The small fingers became thin and long, able to play ‘From an Unknown Land’ without looking at the music. I was like that too.
The piano performance continued.
The left hand’s low C sank into the piano like a pebble.
The following Re and Mi disappeared like breath fluttering in winter.

‘If you keep going like this now, you will never sit at the piano again.’

I mulled over Close friend words. From waking up in the morning until falling asleep, I played the piano. I repeated that from age 10.
But my wrist ultimately couldn’t withstand it. The harsh torture and performance that had continued for a long time eventually made the wrist collapse.
So, I took Close friend advice to heart. Not being able to play the piano was ultimately no different from killing me.
So, I vowed. I would play the piano for myself, not for others. I vowed not to play because of someone.

Dan-♪

Re- Sol- Mire- Do-
The notes fell plop, but they weren’t buried in the noise from other pianos. They stayed clearly in my ears.
With legs too short to reach the pedal that sustains long notes, disconnected, dull notes filled the blanks of the melody.
The note Sol following the right hand was like falling leaves. Like a memory from long ago, unstable as if about to scatter.
I pressed without lifting my finger.
The slowly continuing notes soon disappeared. Like someone’s body temperature, slowly cooling.
I played the emotions I could express now.
The fear of the wrist being injured and never being able to play the piano again.
The anxiety of feeling that the barely grasped opportunity might slip from my hands.
I thought like that.
From an Unknown Land was a short piece. For someone, it might be an etude, but not for me.
A piece that recalls pain from a time.
Perhaps, for Jung Mi-rae, it might hold that meaning too.
She might have suffered alone, unable to tell anyone.
Since I am not Jung Mi-rae, I know nothing.
But, if.
If she shows her pain, if she tells someone.
If I can hear that.
I think a brighter future awaits than mine.
The small finger slowly left the key.
The precariously continuing piano sound collapsed.
Even so, the afterimage of the notes I had played still remained, lingering in my ears.
I turned my head, and…

“Ah…”

A very small sigh flowed from her lips. Her pupils were shaking. Her left hand was gripping her right wrist.
I quietly waited for her to open her mouth. The morning in the music room had become a bit hot because the sunlight was warm.

‘What a cute child.’

Jung Mi-rae thought.
Since the principal had praised him so much, she wondered what kind of child he was, and now she would hear that song.

Dan-♪

The child pressed Mi with his finger and then stayed still. As if lost in thought, the child’s legs were motionless.
Blinking, looking only at the piano keys, something brushed past Jung Mi-rae’s mind as she watched the child.

‘What is this…?’

It might be a mistake, but she felt the ease of someone who had played the piano for a long time. Like her own teacher.
Taking a deep breath and straightening the back wasn’t the attitude of someone who took the piano lightly. It seemed like he was stroking the keys gently, pondering what piece to play.
She wanted to watch until the end, but since there were other children, she urged the child.

“Heeseong, what’s wrong?”

At her words, Heeseong turned his head. Through the short-cut bangs, a vacant expression was visible.
Jung Mi-rae saw her own reflection in the bright, clear eyes. For a moment, a past image brushed by, but Jung Mi-rae did not try to recognize it.

“I was thinking about what to play.”

At the child’s words, she gave a slight smile. But there was no strength in the corners of her mouth.
With the child’s small sigh, the piece began.

‘Huh…?’

As the child’s small hands began to play, her two pupils narrowed. The smiling corners of her mouth parted.
It was a piece she had mentioned in passing, and the child was playing that piece. Left and right hands slowly alternated, continuing the music.

‘It’s clearly a difficult piece to play, how…?’

That thought was instantly resolved by Heeseong’s performance.
The left hand’s playing, which originally traversed more than an octave, was only playing from C to G.
Because the child had small hands now, he had found a playable version and was doing it.
Changing the piece but maintaining a mood not different from the original, Jung Mi-rae was swept away.
The performance she used to do without thought just to warm up now sounded different.
Jung Mi-rae knew what performance moved people’s emotions. However, at some point, she had forgotten it.
What performance moved people’s hearts. The movement of the fingers that played that, she had forgotten completely.
As Heeseong’s performance progressed, the waist she had bent to meet the child’s eyes gradually straightened.
She hunched her shoulders, which had been drooping weakly.
Her left hand moved little by little, hurriedly covering her trembling right wrist lest anyone see.

‘It’s a familiar piece… but why…’

Since it was an arranged piece, there were different parts, but the progression of melody and rhythm was a piece she already knew. Yet, the music she was hearing now was somehow different from the piece she knew.
Subtle but definitely felt, that part was caressing her. Extremely delicate and ticklish, she opened her ears wide lest she miss it if she let her guard down.
Jung Mi-rae thought that Heeseong might have something he wanted to say. Because originally, music was a letter conveyed through sound.
Jung Mi-rae struggled to feel it.

‘You… what do you want to say?’

Heeseong was still 5 years old. Even though he was an age to just play as adults told him to. Somehow, Jung Mi-rae felt that Heeseong had something he wanted to say. It just felt that way.
The memory of learning music and having an accident in the past came to mind. It was a painful, red-stained memory. The landscape painting in her memory was always like that.
The too-red scenery of the hospital was desolate and barren, leaving no room for other colors to intrude. Flowers or blades of grass fluttering in the wind also didn’t exist.
Surely, that’s what the memory was like.

‘Why.’

Why does it look so beautiful like this?
Jung Mi-rae didn’t know.
The red hospital room that had tormented her for years remained the same. Yet, she could smell the scent of nature. Between the red-looking hospital window frames, a single rose was blooming.
That flower hidden among the redness, unseen.
Jung Mi-rae discovered it.

“Ah…”

A small sigh mixed with admiration flowed over her lips.
She might have seen it wrong. But she thought that flower was beautiful.

“Teacher!”

At Heeseong’s voice, she barely managed to escape from the landscape painting in her memory. Only then did she focus her eyes and properly see Heeseong.
The child was making the same vacant expression as before playing the piano.
She had to say something, but somehow her mouth wouldn’t open. She just gaped and stood still.

“Did… I play it wrong?”

The child spoke.
Seeing her reaction, perhaps thinking he had played poorly, Heeseong bowed his head deeply.
At that sight, Jung Mi-rae hurriedly opened her mouth.

“Ah, no! Heeseong played very well…!”
“Really…?”
“Of course. To me…”

Jung Mi-rae couldn’t continue her words. Because she didn’t know what to say, she couldn’t continue the broken words.
What she could say now was…

“…Then, shall Heeseong go back to his seat? The next friend also needs to play now.”
“Okay!”

…to send Heeseong back.
Like that, Heeseong returned to his seat, and another child sat down.
However, having already heard Heeseong’s performance, the other child’s playing didn’t enter her ears.
Because when she closed her eyes, the red landscape painting kept coming to mind. Jung Mi-rae tried not to close her eyes.
Time was passing.

“Now, let’s see what time it is. It’s snack time?”

The principal stretched her stiff back and spoke. Seeing the children’s happy faces while eating something sweet during snack time was her joy.
Humming a tune while walking down the hallway like that, a familiar face was standing in a corner of the hallway.

“Huh? Teacher Mi-rae!”

Jung Mi-rae was staring blankly only at her own hands, not looking ahead. Getting no reaction even to her own voice, the principal raised her hand and tapped Jung Mi-rae’s shoulder.
Startled by the sudden touch, Jung Mi-rae turned around.

“Ah, Principal. Are you going to see the children?”
“Yes, but what are you doing here?”

At the principal’s words, Jung Mi-rae seemed to hesitate a little. Since she had also been spacing out, she seemed not to know what to say.

“Just… I was standing.”
“You were looking at your hands like that; does it hurt again?”
“No. Today, I haven’t played at all.”

Indeed, Jung Mi-rae hadn’t touched the piano even once. She had just asked the children what they wanted to play and listened slowly.
Looking at her hands was merely her habit.

“Really?”

The principal, who had watched Jung Mi-rae for a long time, also knew her habit.
However, she also knew a habit that Jung Mi-rae herself didn’t know.

“Really? I thought you had played the piano in a good mood.”
“Huh? In a good mood…”
“Teacher Mi-rae, when you look at your hands, you were always gloomy. But today, the corners of your mouth were raised. So I thought something good must have happened.”

Hearing that, Jung Mi-rae felt as if hit on the head with a hammer.
Listening to the principal’s words, after the accident, looking at her hands always brought back bad memories.
But just now, it wasn’t like that. Somehow, a pleasant memory came to mind, and she was so focused on it that she didn’t hear anything. As the principal said.

“…Yes. I was thinking of something quite pleasant.”

Because the piece played by the small child lingered in her ears and wouldn’t be forgotten.
For the time being, the corners of Jung Mi-rae’s mouth wouldn’t be going down.
The morning sun was gradually rising, and the large kindergarten was filled with the sound of children’s laughter.